Fukoiko
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / My Purple Gloves: Common APP Option 1 [6]
"Mav, I've got to get to the ICU, can you stay-", and then he was gone."
Personally I felt this intro was a bit awkward and incomplete.
My hospital experience taught me valuable skills: how to take blood pressure, and dictation, and laugh at doctors' corny jokes.
This wording felt a bit awkward as well.
Unfortunately, I'm not the best at correcting grammar and such but I do want to say your essay was truly really beautiful! It was really touching and truly heartfelt! I also want to be a doctor and reading this really inspired me a bit more :) Your concluding sentence was especially powerful to me but I feel your overall conclusion could be strengthened and made to have more of an impact by perhaps by changing some wording around to give it more flow. I feel like,
"It pains me deeply that despite modern medical advances, there are people whose lives are constantly devastated by illness, and I truly believe that mankind is on the brink of discovering cures."
Could be cut out so that it really focuses more on Mrs. Bramwell and you.
But these are just my two cents! Overall a wonderful essay! Good luck! :)
"Mav, I've got to get to the ICU, can you stay-", and then he was gone."
Personally I felt this intro was a bit awkward and incomplete.
My hospital experience taught me valuable skills: how to take blood pressure, and dictation, and laugh at doctors' corny jokes.
This wording felt a bit awkward as well.
Unfortunately, I'm not the best at correcting grammar and such but I do want to say your essay was truly really beautiful! It was really touching and truly heartfelt! I also want to be a doctor and reading this really inspired me a bit more :) Your concluding sentence was especially powerful to me but I feel your overall conclusion could be strengthened and made to have more of an impact by perhaps by changing some wording around to give it more flow. I feel like,
"It pains me deeply that despite modern medical advances, there are people whose lives are constantly devastated by illness, and I truly believe that mankind is on the brink of discovering cures."
Could be cut out so that it really focuses more on Mrs. Bramwell and you.
But these are just my two cents! Overall a wonderful essay! Good luck! :)