Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by HenryAmber
Joined: Jan 3, 2013
Last Post: Feb 8, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
HenryAmber   
Jan 3, 2013
Scholarship / Graduation Test; Georgia / Personal challenge [3]

Essay Topic: Submit an essay of no more than 500 words describing a situation in which you overcame personal challenges in an educational environment. Please also discuss your professional aspirations, why you feel you deserve scholarship support, and how you will use the scholarship funds.

Last year as a junior in secondary school, I along with the rest of my class was required to take the Georgia High School Graduation Test. Without a passing grade on this exam, I would not be able to graduate high school, which would leave me in a never-ending loop of overbearing teachers, horrible school lunches, and ghastly early mornings.

The test was spread out over a week, each day spent on a different subject. I had formerly exceeded on the End Of Course Test in English, Math, and Science and because of that I was exempt from those sections of the Georgia High School Graduation Test, which left me to deal with only Social Studies. I am not sure what it was about the subject, memorizing the dates or trying to understand the relevance of deceased beings that had lived way before me, but I had never done well in Social Studies.

The rain fell hard as the wind swept past on the Monday in April, in which the test took place. I closed my eyes trying to ignore the soothing sounds of the rain's lullaby as I focused in the silence of Ms. Rittenberry's classroom. My mind spun in confusion. We had not discussed Vladmir Lenin nor had we covered Alexei Nikolaevich's role in World War I, yet the questions still mocked me. Everything in that moment vanished, the teacher, the students around me were all gone. It was just me and the test. The test that I was sure would ruin my future. I would not graduate, I would not study Journalism at a university, and I would not have my dream job as an editor-in-chief. "Five minutes," Ms. Rittenberry said, pulling me back into reality.

A full month had passed before we received our results. The administration had decided to give out the pink slips that told our future in the cafeteria. I walked in late, due to the fact that I had just returned from a field trip. To my left there were crying girls and to my right a group of smiling people. I stood in line waiting to see which group I would fall into. When I reached the front of the line and gave the woman my name, I held my breath as a gazed upon the thin pink sheet. I almost screamed with excitement, Advanced Proficiency, the sheet read, 269.

Conclusively, I aced the Georgia High School Graduation Test, and therefore, will graduate on time. I deserve financial aid because of moments like this, when I have proved myself worthy. Not only do my grades and test scores hold value, my determination and organization skills hold imperative significance. This money will go towards my tuition at San Diego State University, and upon graduating college I will work toward my dream job at publication such as a magazine.
HenryAmber   
Jan 4, 2013
Scholarship / Graduation Test; Georgia / Personal challenge [3]

@cristichica
Would this revision work in place of the sentence you were talking about?
Revision: I deserve financial aid because of moments like this, moments that have proved me to be a worthy student.
HenryAmber   
Feb 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / essay about depending on online learning in the future with no schools. [4]

Ok. So, I would advise that you do not allow a question to be your thesis. Instead you should move it to the beginning of the first paragraph, and consider a thesis with a proper stance. Remember to tell the audience if you're for or against early on. Other than that the only problem I saw was that in your last sentence is says present were it should say presents.

I also put your paper on paperrater.com don't worry it was not posted anywhere where someone could see it. They say you had an outstanding transition score and avoided all bad phrases, but your vocabulary could afford to enhance. On a college grading scale it would be about a B, but that does not take content into consideration.
HenryAmber   
Feb 8, 2013
Undergraduate / "Don't wait until someone says you are great" ; The Best Advice [4]

What is the best advice you ever received? Why? And did you follow it?

"What better advice to follow, then your own," Jasmine, one of my closest friends, said to me. "If you think you'll be an amazing author, singer, dancer, or even journalist, do not wait for someone to tell you 'you are great', show them exactly how remarkable you are." Her words by far complete the most motivational phrase I have ever heard in my life, and therefore are the most significant advice I have ever received in my life.

I remember exactly what brought on her words of encouragement. We were sitting in Ms. Green's eleventh grade English class awaiting her arrival, since she was always late, and Jasmine was flipping through my portfolio. One million ideas flowed through my mind periodically, but I had placed them on hold while trying to limit my focus to the eight projects before me. "They are not that good," I said before she had the chance to read any of the stories in my portfolio. "I mean I like them, but I am not sure how the rest of the world will feel." She paused for a moment, looking down at the text I had written, before speaking, and the words she spoke in that moment will follow me for the rest of my life.

Her words, though casual, still echo through my mind in times of self-doubt. They push me to do things I normally would not attempt. They allow me to embrace myself and compete among others. They instill faith in me, and essentially, they remind me that I am the most vital factor in the development of my future. Jasmine may not have realized it in that moment, but her inspiring expression has enabled me to compete endlessly for scholarships despite the constant denial, apply for a school I never thought I would get into, and although I have not completed the novel she was gazing upon at the time of her locution, I am only a few short steps away from an astronomical triumph.

Conclusively, I have received something that shall never fade. As years go by and we grow old, I will never forget her axiom and the impact it had on my impressionable mind, on my future. Jasmine has proven to be a valuable asset to my progression as a person. I will continue to follow her words of wisdom, and I will continue to hold conviction of my unlimited prospects.
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳