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Graduation Test; Georgia / Personal challenge

HenryAmber 2 / 3  
Jan 3, 2013   #1
Essay Topic: Submit an essay of no more than 500 words describing a situation in which you overcame personal challenges in an educational environment. Please also discuss your professional aspirations, why you feel you deserve scholarship support, and how you will use the scholarship funds.

Last year as a junior in secondary school, I along with the rest of my class was required to take the Georgia High School Graduation Test. Without a passing grade on this exam, I would not be able to graduate high school, which would leave me in a never-ending loop of overbearing teachers, horrible school lunches, and ghastly early mornings.

The test was spread out over a week, each day spent on a different subject. I had formerly exceeded on the End Of Course Test in English, Math, and Science and because of that I was exempt from those sections of the Georgia High School Graduation Test, which left me to deal with only Social Studies. I am not sure what it was about the subject, memorizing the dates or trying to understand the relevance of deceased beings that had lived way before me, but I had never done well in Social Studies.

The rain fell hard as the wind swept past on the Monday in April, in which the test took place. I closed my eyes trying to ignore the soothing sounds of the rain's lullaby as I focused in the silence of Ms. Rittenberry's classroom. My mind spun in confusion. We had not discussed Vladmir Lenin nor had we covered Alexei Nikolaevich's role in World War I, yet the questions still mocked me. Everything in that moment vanished, the teacher, the students around me were all gone. It was just me and the test. The test that I was sure would ruin my future. I would not graduate, I would not study Journalism at a university, and I would not have my dream job as an editor-in-chief. "Five minutes," Ms. Rittenberry said, pulling me back into reality.

A full month had passed before we received our results. The administration had decided to give out the pink slips that told our future in the cafeteria. I walked in late, due to the fact that I had just returned from a field trip. To my left there were crying girls and to my right a group of smiling people. I stood in line waiting to see which group I would fall into. When I reached the front of the line and gave the woman my name, I held my breath as a gazed upon the thin pink sheet. I almost screamed with excitement, Advanced Proficiency, the sheet read, 269.

Conclusively, I aced the Georgia High School Graduation Test, and therefore, will graduate on time. I deserve financial aid because of moments like this, when I have proved myself worthy. Not only do my grades and test scores hold value, my determination and organization skills hold imperative significance. This money will go towards my tuition at San Diego State University, and upon graduating college I will work toward my dream job at publication such as a magazine.
Guest /  
Jan 3, 2013   #2
Your essay is really well written, but I think you should look over the last paragraph. The second sentence of the last paragraph could sound arrogant, maybe there's a way you could rephrase that?

Other than that, you have a lovely essay.
OP HenryAmber 2 / 3  
Jan 4, 2013   #3
Would this revision work in place of the sentence you were talking about?
Revision: I deserve financial aid because of moments like this, moments that have proved me to be a worthy student.

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