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Posts by jmg
Joined: Jan 10, 2013
Last Post: Jan 10, 2013
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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jmg   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / Biofuel Research Program/ Metro Magic Lacrosse;Common App- Summer Activity(2 options) [3]

I have two options for a short essay on my extracurricular activities. Only problem is its due today, so, please, any comments or help in deciding/editing either one would be greatly appreciated.

Question: In the space available discuss the significance to you of the school or summer activity in which you have been most involved.

Option 1

I'm sitting in the back of my school, covered in stale algae, trying to hold a graduated glass jar up to a torrent of pond scum. It's flowing out of the mass of tubes and plywood I designed, and while I wipe the hair from my eyes, I smear emerald green froth across my forehead. As I carry the samples across the grass and back into the lab, it's hard not to think that science shouldn't be this messy. But I've learned recently that leading your own project is often a well-planned mess. I've been working on developing clean biodiesel from algae since I started taking Research last year and now head the Biofuel Research Program. I enjoy research because it gives me a chance to apply what I've learned in science; I used physics and math to design the container, chemistry to implement the reactions, and biology to grow and care for the algae. Most importantly, it allows me to work independently and to solve problems on my own.

Option 2

I've been on a travel lacrosse team, Metro Magic Lacrosse, since sixth grade, and although I haven't ever been the flashiest or best player, it has taught me two of the most valuable things I have ever learned.

One, make the goalie look good. Nothing you do as a defender is more important than protecting your goalie. Take-aways and interceptions are important, and noticeable to recruiters on the sidelines, but your team can't win if you hang your goalie out to dry. (I might be biased in this theory though, considering my goalie is my best friend)

Two, when you're by yourself, reach out. I spent a lot my school breaks during high school at lacrosse camps and clinics where I didn't know a single other person. This was especially hard with my fear of introductions, and I used to get stomach pains just remembering my lonely freshman year mealtimes. This past summer, however, I had a different kind of stomach pain; it was the pain of realizing I might never play with these same people again.
jmg   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / Resources/Academics/Environment ; UNC - My reasons for TRANSFER [2]

I don't know what your talking about about being a bad writer! Your writing is very good, and overall I believe this is a strong essay. However, I do think it could benefit from some more percise examples of why UNC - Chapel Hill is right for you. Like is there a specific class or area that intrigues you, or a specific research opportunity you hope to pursue? UNC knows that it is a good school, so they want to hear why, of all the good schools you could choose to apply to, you decided on UNC in particular.
jmg   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / Egypt and diversity;Colgate Community - beyond scholastic and extracurricular [5]

I like the quote, and the reference to the pyramids, but I think you could connect your three paragraphs more fluidly. I would also elaborate on Colgate more, giving more specific reseasons, i.e. what clubs, classes, professors, etc. you believe would help you explore diversity more.
jmg   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / Singing/Caring for grandma; GEORGETOWN - Me & Experience [4]

Your second essay is amazing!! The first paragraph really draws you in, and makes me want to admit you, even though I'm not an admissions officer lol. I would only change on thing:

One day, however, after coming home from school, I found my grandmother's bed empty...

Great job though and good luck!

I'm also applying to Gtown by the way!
jmg   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / Egypt and diversity;Colgate Community - beyond scholastic and extracurricular [5]

hmm, maybe put the second paragraph first, and then put in a sentence like:

I wasn't always this way though. I used to get annoyed by the lame pyramid jokes that my Egyptian hertiage brought up, especially because Egypt is so much more than that.... (rest of your paragraph)

And then be like:

I believe attending Colgate would expand my horizons even more because of ... (insert exmples here)...
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