OkGo7
Jan 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Dedication/Good Communication; Haverford Honor Code/ CONDITIONS-academic&non academic [3]
It is as if you took two good essays and smashed them together. If you are going to introduce an anecdote, you need to build your essay off of the anecdote. Don't write about the anecdote and then go on a tangent. You have really good ideas in this essay, however. This paragraph is where the tangent begins
When I think about this anecdote in childhood today, it leads me back to the open dialogue and free intellectual exchange that the Honor Code at Haverford creates and fosters.Looking back at this childhood memory, I am reminded on the necessity of the open yet provocative dialogue that Haverford fosters within its students Through this type of dialogue, Nina and I crossed a cultural barrier; through this type of exchange, a thought-provoking environment is created.
Then you go to:
" I believe there're three factors essential to creating such an environment: concerns for others, communication, and the commitment of the whole community."
There is no transition. Work on integrating those three factors back into your anecdote, or de-emphasize those factors.
It is as if you took two good essays and smashed them together. If you are going to introduce an anecdote, you need to build your essay off of the anecdote. Don't write about the anecdote and then go on a tangent. You have really good ideas in this essay, however. This paragraph is where the tangent begins
Then you go to:
" I believe there're three factors essential to creating such an environment: concerns for others, communication, and the commitment of the whole community."
There is no transition. Work on integrating those three factors back into your anecdote, or de-emphasize those factors.