Scholarship / Courage is not born, it is developed; Scholarship 2013 [11]

Ok, thank you. Besides the first suggested revision, I can understand the rest of the critique and make the necessary adjustments.

Undergraduate / Dance Hall Music; Transfer Common App- Extracurricular [11]

This is a neat little piece of writing. The wording comes off a bit overly romanticized, but that experience was magical to you so I suppose it is understandable. Must've been some SuperCat or Shaggy playing. Nonetheless, in any case, the prompt asked for you to "briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences" and that explanation/description is not present here.

So with that in mind, what feedback are you looking for?
Is there more to this?
Was this the introductary paragraph to you talking about your dancing career or whichever may be the case?

...Because with this writing you have failed to accurately and effectively write for the expecting audience, those which asked of you to "briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences".

Take care, good luck.

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Transfer Supplement - Why Hopkins? 'Outdated stereotypes' [4]

First, might I say that this piece of writing is a pleasant surprise. It was my pleasure reading this. I am not sure what the prompt is for this essay though, you failed to include it so I can at the most only give you general, supportive critiques.

Proceedingly, your worked flowed rather effortlessly. I, however, suggest that you may relax on the "5 cent words". Let me explain what I mean by that. I am personally from Baltimore, Maryland born and raised and though JHU campus, students and staff may be superb, the area which it lies is far from "vibrant". The local cafes are nothing too special so I'd imagine you're not from a city or metropolis to make you think otherwise. The diversity of JHU is viable, albeit such "diversity" lies with a great deal coming from Asians (including Indians). People are people no matter where you go (there are good, bad, and those somewhere in between) so I'm not sure how effective it is including your friend's selling point because that within itself is a vast generalization to paint everybody at JHU as if they are unanimously congenial.

As you continue to desctibe the school as being "perfectly" in accordance with your wants and needs, you fail to really talk about you. From this writing, an uniformed audience has no indication of why the school should take you. Sure, you loved to be at JHU, but who hasn't that has desired to work in the scientific field? Sure JHU has exactly what you want, but what do you have to offer? This piece though a fun read lacks a specified touch whereas you even speak of the school objectively calling it by name, Johns Hopkins, instead of this University or even embellishing and saying "this wonderful University of my dreams", etc.

In all, I hope you are able to absorb the criticism and make the adjustments needed to perfect this good piece of work. I leave you with the following, with respect to JHU being synonymous with country in this instance, as JFK once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country."

Best of luck to you, take care.

Undergraduate / Dance Hall Music; Transfer Common App- Extracurricular [11]

Okay that's a little better to know. With that in mind, as a reader I'm not getting a sense of really anything in depth here. So let me try to understand this even better. Correct me if I am erroneous. Your targeted extracurricular activity is "studying dancehall music/culture/etc". This writing focuses on how your love for dancehall music/culture/etc came from humble beginnings?

If that may be so then the connection I, as an objective reader, fail to see is the action of the process, okay, this is how I my passion for dancehall music began (beginning) and now I study dancehall music/culture/etc (end), but where is the plot??

How did you start studying the music/culture/etc? What is it like to be in your shoes (a person so passionate about dancehall music/culture/etc)? How was it getting to the point where you are now for your passion? Difficult? Easy?

Though your essay's capacity may be limited to a meager amount of words or characters, it is more alluring to tell of the journey rather than the plain beginning especially when this is your once chance to convey your love for dancehall music/culture/etc effectively.

However if you are inclined to sticking with the beginningstill then here's a possible five sentence alternative that can say the same thing above did without trying to make it appear as overzealous (your dad played music-- you liked it, you danced to it, and tada you've been in love with it since)

I've been totally enamored with Dancehall since my ealier years. My love for dancehall music/culture/etc has bloomed from the very moment my dear old father popped in [Insert Dancehall tape title or Artist or somehting of the sorts Here] in the tape deck of the car as my family and I were out traveling. Never before had my ears been so delighted. My body naturally jumped to the mystical rythmn of the beat and before I knew it I was off into a world of utter bliss. I knew from that moment on that, as Will.I.Am would say, "This is love, this is love, this is love!"

This is just my 2 cents, but feel free to do whatever you'd like.
Best of luck, take care

Undergraduate / Dance Hall Music; Transfer Common App- Extracurricular [11]

I really like the improvement! But there's still a little work to be done. Your voice changes from active to passive and back, which is a bit unsettling. By rearranging words, let's see how this works:

Green=Good/Great Red=Not so Good/Great
"My infatuation for sound began at a young age.My family and I were venturing to a destination when I was five years old; tired of listening to the radio, my father pushed a tape into the tape deck.As the sound blared from the speakers with its heavy bass vibrating my young figure, I was enchanted by the foreign sound.I was so compelled by the crispy yet exotic rhythm that I stopped writing my name in fog on the window and started mimicking the bass line.My small hands pounded on the door handle as my head flew back and forth ferociously, bobbing to the beat.My feet were taping away making their own rhythm while still complimenting the initial beat . I was nearly deafened as the Caribbean sounds took over the silence of the vehicle.But I loved it.It was at this time that I would recognize my passion for music.

RED 1A: You are the subject! So you should be at the beginning of the sentence here, not your family. Consider: "I was 5 yrs old and my family and I were venturing out and about.

RED 1B: This ; is perfectly fine , but try to keep a non-significant sentence to 20 syllables. I'm sure the latter can stand alone as its own sentence. And don't forget to specify the tape to make the connection b/w dancehall music and not just any music. Consider: "Tired of listening to the radio while driving, my father put in a (dancehall/reggae/etc) tape into the tape deck and the suddenly... Boom! Bop! Boom!"

RED 2 & 3: The emphasis here is that Good music is playing so opening by calling it "the sound [that] blared" diminishes the intial reaction of joy you got from hearing it. Also, young figure is little body with an extra character, its up to you keep it or not. Consider: "A heavy bass, strong enough to vibrate my little body, swiftly and alarmingly blared from the speakers. [INSERT "I was nearly deafened as the Caribbean sounds took over the silence of the vehicle."] And yet, I was enchanted by this music."

RED 4&5: This sentence is cool, but ferociously is not the modifier of joy, it is far too aggressive here. And let's try to combine the bodily motions into a sentence full of great description Consider: "Before I knew it, my body began to have a mind of its own; my head twirled and bobbed, hands pattered on the door handle, and my feet tap danced a unique rhythm complimentary to the beat of the music.[INSERT "But I loved [every bit of] it[!]"] [INSERT "It was at this time I had recognized my passion for music [had begun to sprout]." Saying you would have recognized such a passion instantaneously from that moment at that age seems a bit far fetched. You're better off just acknowledging the moment for what it was, a beautiful beginning aka a flower beginning to sprout.

Feel free to do whatever you want. Best of luck to you. Oh and go look at my writing and give me some criticism, it'd be greatly appreciated. See the link below "Courage...scholarship 2013"

Undergraduate / Dance Hall Music; Transfer Common App- Extracurricular [11]

It does the job. Long as you're satisfied, then good work. Cheers

Undergraduate / Study Abroad Semester At Sea 'Throwing the textbook out the window' [5]

That title is absolutely terrific, it's what brought me here. And I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading the introduction, but the rest of the piece fizzled out sounding a bit redundant and egotistical. This type of writing at its core is persuasive and you hit the audience running to \with fantastic persuasion (some grammatical and semantic errors here and there) and suddenly and drastically descended to an excessive " I will be able to from this" "..it will show me this" "I can get from this" informative piece.

I'll leave my critiques in order from smallest to largest. The first stone of criticism I want to cast is the semantics and the flow of the writing. Firstly, there was no contradiction between "Books are vital in the learning process. However , we learn about cultures of the world and people out of textbooks as if those words on a page really represent the life of a people." Instead replace however with typically/usually/regularly as students/scholars/etc i.e. [Typically as students, we learn about...']. The removed However belongs in the first sentence of argumentation "However, I can't feel the rhythm of Latin America through a few colorful pictures. The intro flows even more so then with those adjustments.

Scholarship / Courage is not born, it is developed; Scholarship 2013 [11]

Thank you fro your feedback. It is a shame that I've left such an awful impression. Here's my revision of the draft. My problem is it is 19 words over the limit! More help please and thank you.

"Courage is not born, it is developed; it is a full commitment to push beyond boundaries and to live boldly. Academically gifted from an early age, I had a sense of entitlement and false bravado over inflate my ego as I breezed through school. However, before I knew it my ego and choices stunted my growth. I had become an academically underachiever desperate for options. By senior year of high school, I went only for the university that offered the most financial aid, even if it was an EXPENSIVE out of state university. I had the interest to grow, but not the courage.

Off I went to New York City where my 1st semester was offset by bad personal choices and puerile ways. I finished that fall with a dismal 2.06 cumulative gpa. By year's end, I had lost the academic scholarship I came for and the pain of disappointing myself, my ancestors, and specifically my parents was overbearing. That pain changed me. I acknowledged I had my priorities wrong and began committing myself to have the courage to grow.

Since then I've volunteered via Americorps; reading to preschool children, fundraising books for the kids and helping low income families at food shelters. Moreover, each semester my grades improved, which culminated in last semester ending with a 3.6 semester gpa. Now, 2 years later, I am proud to say that I have a 3.0 cumulative gpa, am currently studying abroad in Europe, and still volunteering through Americorps. I am fully committed now, and I know the best has yet to come because now I have the Courage to Grow."

Scholarship / Courage is not born, it is developed; Scholarship 2013 [11]

Sounds like a plan!

Scholarship / Courage is not born, it is developed; Scholarship 2013 [11]

Courage is an intense belief or countering action admist and against the presence of great fear, risk, or peril.

Challenging Obstacles I feel I've had:
1. Staying in an expensive university accumulating debt from loans in the hope/belief that it will be all worth it.
2. Coming to a foreign country with little ability to speak the language and thus communicate with its people.
3. Focusing on studies and foregoing "fun" in order to be academically successfully; in other words, rearranging my priorities to being conducive to being successful at my #1 job (ocupation: student).

4. Staying committed to ideals and beliefs without compromising them: in other words, having integrity and character.

I've learned that:
1. I've become greatly appreciative of my parents and their personal sacrifices in order to provide for me, my brothers, and ensure the best opportunities in life for us to the best of their abilities. In addition, I've learned that I believe financial knowledge and security to be absolutely necessary to survive in this world ... For if one doesn't have the means, then how is he to get and become whatever he choose to be.

2. The greatest equalizer is to be able to effectively communicate with anyone and everyone. My survival is contingent on my ability to communicate my thoughts and needs. My best personal asset is my ability to speak a number of languages with grace and fluency.

3. My perspective on fun is a work in progress. It is my perception on life that determines my state of mind and all outcomes. I am my behaviors and no matter my intentions, it is my actions that reflect who I am.

4. Who I am needs to be consistent with what I believe in and stand for. I need to stay focused/determined and adhere to my own principles and ambitions, while having the flexibility to adapt and positively be most responsive to change. Above all, never compromise myself or I will lose respect and trust for myself.

This was a pleasant exercise, but I feel I'm missing specificity with those 4 challenges... here's a bit more further clarification
1. Putting myself in considerable debt through my parents to get an education that I hope can provide me with the means to provide for myself, my parents, my love, my needs/wants, and advance me further into higher education.

2. Learning how to survive and adapt in Europe. Bouncing from three countries every five weeks, each country with a language foreign to me.
3. Recognizing and accepting that in order to get where I want to get in life, I must be able to sacrifice that which does not positively empower me mentally, physically, and emotionally.

4. Recognizing and accepting that if I am not 100% transparent between who I am and what I do, then I am not being honest with myself and I am leaving myself not only in conflict but compromised to the point where I am subconciously losing respect for myself.

That seems to be a bit more lucid. Thanks for the feedback. Please keep it coming!

Undergraduate / Study Abroad Semester At Sea 'Throwing the textbook out the window' [5]

Sorry for the delay.

The writing is clearer and improved, but there is some new issues.

@"By exploring the differences between the food, dress, kinships, and even city layouts of each country a larger discourse about the region can be created for myself." AND "Through observing commonalities between the two countries, the solid characteristics of the Latin American region will become clearer. "

-Should be combined, same meaning basically and you can just have exploring and observing the differences and commonalities in one sentence.

@"However, one region doesn't shape a global perspective.
-" Make this the start of a new paragraph furthering the importance of exploring Russia in addition to those Latin American countries.

@"Developing and enhancing a global perspective is a life-long process and involves makings connections with people around the world."
-This is an introductory, bold statement. Why isn't it opening the third paragraph?

Also, you need to try to examine your own writing and ask yourself objectively, am I convinced by this? What specifically can being in each country do for me? What can I do for that country?