Genoa
Sep 17, 2013
Undergraduate / Educational institutions play a major role in shaping the career of its student [2]
Educational institutions play a major role in shaping the career of its students. The more successful students are in their career (what career? What are you talking about? Be more specific.) the better the growth opportunities and a great future which in turns proves out to be useful for the society, country they are residing in one way or other. ( this is repetitive and unnecessary, perhaps reshape it to something like, "proves to be useful for the society in which they live,") Hence, it is an imperitive role of the educational institutions to guide the students on choosing a perfect field of study. (What defines a "perfect field of study? What does "perfect" mean?)
Educational institutions own experienced bunch of professionals/Phds (instead of referencing people by a common degree, perhaps use 'Professor' or 'Collegiate instructors', something that sounds fancy and official!) who have vast knowledge of subjects and immense experience that would come as fruitful to the students (this syntax makes it sound like the professors are going to the students to get an education, not vice versa) seeking help on choosing their career paths. Students who are just High school or Intermediate pass out (what is an 'intermediate pass out'?) are very young and inexperienced to understand the variety of fields and to select the appropriate ones to pursue their career in. Hence, proper counseling from educational institutions would clarify things to the students and they will be able to take their own stance in deciding which careers to pursue.
Nevertheless, all of the students don't need guidance (would work better if rephrased to, "Nevertheless, not all of the students need guidance") on their career as they themselves understand their own potential and are asserted to build a career in which they are most likely to succeed. But considering the huge number of students passing out every year (again, what does "passing out" mean? To me, this sounds like a bunch of students falling unconscious.) from graduate schools very little are known to have better understanding of fields of study they are likely to pursue. Obviously, those who do succeed because that's they choose are fields of interest but others choose because they have a vague picture of what they are entering into or are either forced by parents. (This sentence, especially the beginning, doesn't make much sense.)
Thus, if educational institutions takes it as a prime responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study they are not likely to succeed with the help of assessments they conduct and also with the guidance of experienced professors they hold a student can be made to walk towards his bright future by letting them know the correct choices they can opt to further studies and hence shaping a bright future for the student which is also an ultimate goal of an educational institution.
The ideas are all there, but the grammar and wording of the essay make it very difficult to understand. I also think that you should develop your ideas further, and provide some evidence to support your arguments. It felt like I was re-reading some of the same ideas throughout the whole essay, and that nothing new was expanded on. As per your request for a grade out of six, I'd give this essay a 3.
Hope this helps!
~Genoa
Educational institutions play a major role in shaping the career of its students. The more successful students are in their career (what career? What are you talking about? Be more specific.) the better the growth opportunities and a great future which in turns proves out to be useful for the society, country they are residing in one way or other. ( this is repetitive and unnecessary, perhaps reshape it to something like, "proves to be useful for the society in which they live,") Hence, it is an imperitive role of the educational institutions to guide the students on choosing a perfect field of study. (What defines a "perfect field of study? What does "perfect" mean?)
Educational institutions own experienced bunch of professionals/Phds (instead of referencing people by a common degree, perhaps use 'Professor' or 'Collegiate instructors', something that sounds fancy and official!) who have vast knowledge of subjects and immense experience that would come as fruitful to the students (this syntax makes it sound like the professors are going to the students to get an education, not vice versa) seeking help on choosing their career paths. Students who are just High school or Intermediate pass out (what is an 'intermediate pass out'?) are very young and inexperienced to understand the variety of fields and to select the appropriate ones to pursue their career in. Hence, proper counseling from educational institutions would clarify things to the students and they will be able to take their own stance in deciding which careers to pursue.
Nevertheless, all of the students don't need guidance (would work better if rephrased to, "Nevertheless, not all of the students need guidance") on their career as they themselves understand their own potential and are asserted to build a career in which they are most likely to succeed. But considering the huge number of students passing out every year (again, what does "passing out" mean? To me, this sounds like a bunch of students falling unconscious.) from graduate schools very little are known to have better understanding of fields of study they are likely to pursue. Obviously, those who do succeed because that's they choose are fields of interest but others choose because they have a vague picture of what they are entering into or are either forced by parents. (This sentence, especially the beginning, doesn't make much sense.)
Thus, if educational institutions takes it as a prime responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study they are not likely to succeed with the help of assessments they conduct and also with the guidance of experienced professors they hold a student can be made to walk towards his bright future by letting them know the correct choices they can opt to further studies and hence shaping a bright future for the student which is also an ultimate goal of an educational institution.
The ideas are all there, but the grammar and wording of the essay make it very difficult to understand. I also think that you should develop your ideas further, and provide some evidence to support your arguments. It felt like I was re-reading some of the same ideas throughout the whole essay, and that nothing new was expanded on. As per your request for a grade out of six, I'd give this essay a 3.
Hope this helps!
~Genoa