Undergraduate / Building leadership skills (UC personal statement) [3]

Hi everybody. I'm in the process of writing my personal statement for UCB and UCLA. This is for prompt #2.

Before jumping in, this essay is still quite raw and I'm still in the process of proofreading it. If you spot mistakes, please don't hesitate to point them out. I'm very open to all your suggestions. I will also be taking this essay to a teacher for revision.

I realize that some parts of the essay does not flow well and perhaps needs more transitions. It is also quite lengthy (I haven't written prompt #1 yet) at 692 words, so if you spot sentences or phrases that are unnecessary, please point them out. The conclusion is, in my opinion, a bit weak. I will continue working on it and will take suggestions. I want to make sure I answer the prompt as well as my own questions.

Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

"If you were with a group of ten-year-old children, would it be better to be a friend or a leader?" my interviewer asked.

I've often pondered about this question. I was that age not too long ago, and although I never considered myself a bratty kid, I have to admit that I often liked to challenge authority, especially that of people just a few years older than I was. I had always thought that I was great with children. I've worked with quite a few children before, teaching them to swim and even sharing a few laughs with them here and there. As a result, I naturally responded "friend."

As I walked through the hallway of the summer camp I had been interviewed for a few weeks prior, I once again found myself pondering the same question. Moreover, what exactly does being a leader mean?

As the week went on, I began to develop my friendship with the children. I even shared the experience of belly flopping off the high diving board with them. I was fine, but my pride and tummy were both bruised for the next few days. However, the toughest test came on the day of the field trip to the amusement park.

At the park, we travelled in a "pack", as I liked to call it. A trio of girls louder than a rock concert and on the end of the spectrum, a shy boy, Q, who always kept to himself made up our pack. I didn't know where the girls get their energy, but the chocolate bars they were gobbling on were only going to fuel their fires. Q sat on the chain-link rope that established the labyrinth through which the sea of people waiting for the roller coaster navigated, twiddling his thumbs. He could use some of the energy the girls have, I thought to myself.

"Girls, Q looks hungry. Why don't you share your chocolate with Q?" I proposed. The giggling girls gladly obliged. Q accepted the piece of chocolate without saying a word and eyed it. He took a bite.

Suddenly, Q's eyes grew wide. Without warning, Q made a mad dash backwards through the line, cutting through crowd with the agility of Adrian Peterson. I froze for a moment, staring blankly at the spot Q had vanished from just a second ago, before taking off after him with the girls hot on my heels. It was as if we were wading through molasses as I pushed my way through the crowd. Finally, we broke into the open and gulped the fresh air.

"There! The bench!" We raced towards Q.

A nightmare was unfolding before my eyes. Q's face flushed redder than an apple. He squeezed out the words "peanut" and "pocket" between wheezes. Q stared at me, wide-eyed and panicked. He must have realized the panic in my eyes, as well. Although I had learned how to deal with this in first aid training, in that moment, my mind drew a blank.

"Do something!"

Instinctively, I flagged down a passer-by.

"Get help, quick." I made sure to keep my voice calm. The last thing I wanted was creating hysteria.

Q wheezed "pocket" again before reaching into his pocket and handing me its contents. I took the Twinject from his cold, trembling hands. All the simulation in the world could not possibly have prepared me for this very real scenario. I held Q's hand.

"We're going to get through this. You'll be okay."

I found myself yet again in the office of my interviewer, this time reflecting upon the events, realizing that I was accountable for causing Q's severe allergic reaction. Despite this, I also realized that I'd came out of the situation a better person, and a better leader. What does being a leader mean? Well, for one, realizing accountability and ability to handle the consequences. A leader has the strength and determination to fight through predicaments. He realizes that his attitude and emotions will be reflected by those around him, and should approach situations with the appropriate mindset. My actions on that day guided me to these realizations. The experience was invaluable.

Thank you for helping!

Undergraduate / Volunteering/ Exam time; UBC- Experience/ Significant Challenge [2]

Hi everyone, I'm currently applying for UBC. The deadline is Dec. 10 (oops). Here are my two short essays

Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that caused you to rethink or change your perspective. What impact has this had on you? (maximum 200 words)

I arrived at the pool for my first day of volunteering, not expecting anything I haven't dealt with before. There was bound to be some kids who were already great at swimming, and on the other side of the spectrum, kids who were afraid to go in the water. Having to teach an autistic child, however, was something I did not expect.

I didn't know what to do. Of course, I'd encountered other autistic children before, including at school, and sometimes I felt sorry for them. The boy, Frank, didn't look me in eye or listen to me, and his mother had warned me that he might run away without warning. I was worried.

The other children played and practiced floating. Frank hung on to the edge of the pool and blew bubbles in the water by himself. I called his name and he perked up, and sure enough, without warning, he took off swimming. Not wading or floating, but swimming.

That day, I learned that just because someone has special needs, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're inferior. Since then, I've been volunteering to help other special needs children at the pool. Seeing their accomplishments is always very rewarding.

My main concern for this one is the conclusion: it's very cliche, but I maxed out the word limit. If there's anything I can make more concise in the essay and if you can suggest a better conclusion, I'd appreciate it.

Explain how you responded to a significant challenge that you have encountered and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

Exam time: everyone who has been to school had gone through it. At the end of last year, the stress build-up nearly got the better of me.

I had written many tests before and I've been able to get through then just fine. However, chemistry and biology AP exams, a biology contest, and a physics final crammed together made for quite a load. There were days when I didn't go outside or get enough sleep. The realization that I had retained only a fraction of what I read the day before was a jolt for me. I was demotivated, and I knew it was not the way to go.

I went to my teachers for suggestions. One suggestion was that in order to stay motivated, I need to reward myself. I set up a system for myself where if I finish a chapter, then go outside or play games for an hour. The anticipation was enough to motivate me. I also learned from my biology teacher the importance of sleep and how it helps memory, and began to sleep better. It worked great. By learning how to tackle stress, I believe I'm better prepared for an undoubtedly stressful adult life.

Please give me feedback for both of these pieces. I've maxed the limit on both essays, so if there's anything I can cut but still allow it to retain the overall message, please let me know.