Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by ChickenLadder
Name: Henry Eshel
Joined: Dec 28, 2013
Last Post: Dec 30, 2013
Threads: 1
Posts: 5  
From: France
School: London School of Economics

Displayed posts: 6
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
ChickenLadder   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Eulogy - Common App Personal Essay (Topic 5) [2]

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

--

It's remarkable how death can transform your perspective. I used to think growing up was more of a transition marked by specific formal events: turning eighteen, leaving for university, starting your first job... Those famous frame-worthy moments, glorified as milestones on the road towards adulthood. I guess I skipped a few of them at that funeral in July.

I had never given a eulogy before. His parents asked that one of his good friends say a few words. We had not been really close over the last few years. He had been one of my best friends when we were younger, one of our 'gang' and a part of my life since the first grade. His closest friends had been with him the night when he died and did not feel able to do it. So I volunteered to speak for us all. Nonetheless, I was overwhelmed by the whirlpool of all our thoughts and emotions.

One evening before the funeral, five of us gathered near the placid Seine River. We shared a bottle of wine and cast fishing lines from a bridge as the salmon colored sky gradually disappeared into twilight. I broke one of the rods. We caught a fish and eventually released it back into the water, watching for a while as it struggled to catch its breath and start swimming again. We were worried for a bit that we had suffocated our temporary aquatic friend.

All the while, we watched the river. That opaque stretch of murky water just a few dozen meters wide, rippling softly. Beyond, a small wooded island, whose impenetrable thickets yielded no answers. One friend who had been there walked us through those last moments. I think it helped him, in a way. He brought us to the small pier from which the four had jumped to swim to the island, a familiar challenge. No one knows how he drowned. We stood under the orange glow of the streetlight, his pained voice asking questions, the what-ifs and if-onlys that no one could answer.

We all met the day before the funeral. We watched a match of 'rugby-soccer' between his two favorite teams, Toulon versus Marseille. He loved sports. We sat in the late afternoon sun to write, but the thoughts we chased eluded us. We distracted ourselves. A guitar surfaced, serenading us like a siren to mask our grief. I was finally entrusted with a few short messages, and spent most of that night in front of a blank page.

We all wore team jerseys that afternoon at his father's request. I stood in front of the crowd of friends and relatives, and did my best to express what we all felt and what we had all shared over the years. The friendship, good moments, sorrow, regrets, and unfairness. The ceremony was short. Our flower petals rained onto the cherrywood casket with that haunting brass plaque to the tune of "Let It Be", playing on a portable CD player. 1995-2013. It made no sense. I felt guilty looking at his mother and father, knowing I could not find the right words because there were none. Their only child.

Walking out of the cemetery, for the first time I felt submerged by the burden of adulthood. I felt fear. The fear of time going by too quickly and running out. The fear of missing out, of not experiencing everything I wanted to. The fear that I or others that I cared about could die too soon. As a kid I always believed growing up would be great, but I guess time betrayed me.

While my new life at university has been full of new experiences and friendships, this truth motivates me. I understand now that there may not be that second chance in my relationships, so I cannot leave room for regrets as a homage. I will never forget my friend Mathieu.

Word Count: 649

I'm still working on the conclusion, the wording is a bit clunky and I'm still looking for a more concrete example.

Thank you so much for helping out, it's really kind.
ChickenLadder   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / I've been facing some difficult issues; Yale SUPP [6]

I will take some time off from my real life and travel to some place far and relaxing, probably to some country in Asia or Oceania.

I feel like you would be better off with an answer that was far more revealing of your identity and your personality. Something you love to do but don't often get the time to do. Your answer as it is right now seems somewhat generic - is there a country that interests you in particular, if so why is it you'd like to go there?

Your piece of advice was nice - it further emphasized your point in your essay about how you value education. Perhaps if you have the room you could say who gave the advice, adds more of you to it beyond the quotation marks.

Your answer for d. needs some clarification - the way you've answered it can be interpreted in various ways because of the word 'practical'. Do you mean you wish you did less imagining and conceptualizing and more making your idea a reality?

I've been facing some difficult issues during my life

- This first sentence draws the reader in for sure, but you need to clarify whether these problems are persisting in your life or are in the past.

If present, then: I've been facing some difficult issues in my life
If past, then: I've faced some difficult issues during my life

we started to talk with them. I spoke with many people

Avoids using the verb talking twice

I wouldn't have been able to learn in another situation

The rest of your sentence was in the past tense, this should be too.

there's one old lady that I can't forget about. She was very old and couldn't walk anymore.Nonetheless ,

Alternatively - Despite this, she was outgoing...

After telling me about her previous life

In that moment I felt amazing and realized how important it was to do that.

I'm not sure about using the word amazing, or give more detail as to why you felt that way.

In order to help not only the elderly but also children, I started a project

By using the word started you're indicating that you founded the project. Began would make less sense.

makes everything worthwhile

consciousness

Perhaps describe more about how your future NGO would tackle the issues. It would give the reader the sense that more than being a project to be done in the future, you've already started to plan it because you are committed to seeing it done.

I like the essay overall, it tackles something that's clearly close to your heart - your past, how you acted on your past, the crucial moment, what you've done since then and what you plan to do. Good structure. I tried to help out as much as possible with the grammar and all, but hopefully others will be able to pick up on the things I missed.

Good luck :)
ChickenLadder   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / bland sandwich - 'to know about you' Yale supplement [14]

I enjoyed the read. For some reason I got a sort of private eye novel vibe from the whole thing, which overall I found to be kinda cool. Especially with the cigarette. Your imagery is really vivid, as in I really pictured myself walking in your shoes. Definitely what you should be going for. I hope your other essay and answers show a more uplifting side of you than the 'cool, expressionless, bored' one you've got going on here ;)
ChickenLadder   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / bland sandwich - 'to know about you' Yale supplement [14]

Well would you say that the search of lost time has rejuvenated you, in a way (it's only been 5 days), to regain "that insouciance and vivacity from childhood"? That could help end it on a cheerier note.
ChickenLadder   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / bland sandwich - 'to know about you' Yale supplement [14]

I reckon it's probably safer then to leave it untouched (though definitely the cigarette may be a bit of a wager). I definitely see the proustian side of things, so I think you should keep it as it is.

Like I said, hopefully your common app essay and your short answers are more cheery. If you kept the same tone everywhere they'd be telling your freshman counselor to keep an eye on you cos they're a bit worried ;)
ChickenLadder   
Dec 30, 2013
Undergraduate / I've been facing some difficult issues; Yale SUPP [6]

If you do something like this it could work:
"I've faced some difficult issues during my life, such as my mother's persistent disorder and a sexual abuse incident in my childhood "

You may need to give more detail on the disorder just so the reader is more familiar of the type of challenges you are facing with her. Your introduction didn't give enough context for the reader to make assumptions about her disorder (and there can be many types), but if you write down what it is, it indicates much more easily the nature of the issues.

Hope this helps :)
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳