Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 - Interpreting survey data on Adult (Higher/Executive) Education. [4]

Greetings,
Firstly, I would like to apologize if I may have breached any of the forum rules. I am new to the forum and would be glad to have the members guide me if my post(s) are subject to anything that this website considers prohibited/wrong.

I am seeking assistance from the members of this forum to help me score good on the Writing section of the IELTS exam. Below is my first writing task (my first post too). I spent close to 25 minutes to complete it. Kindly highlight necessary corrections and rate the write up on the following grounds : Grammar, Subject-verb agreement, punctuations, Data relevance and unnecessary/awkward sentences. Do feel free to provide you valuable tips.

Q :The charts below show the results of a survey of adult education. The first chart shows the reasons why adults decide to study. The pie chart shows how people think the costs of adult education should be shared.

Write a report for a university lecturer, describing the information shown below.
You should write at least 150 words.

My take : The chart presented above provides an overview of the outcome of a survey that was conducted to find out "why adults decide to study" and "how they believe the cost towards the education should be shared".

Firstly, the bar-chart interestingly points out the reasons given by adults who decide to study. The result for this part of the survey is given in terms of percentage, which effectively helps in understanding the preferences of the adults who to decide to study further. About 40% of the participants indicated that they opted to study due to "Interest in the subject", 38% of the participants wanted "to gain qualification".

The least number of polls received were 9% and 12%, against "Socialising & meeting people" and "to change jobs". Other mediocre reasons provided by the participants were "To improve their chances of being promoted", "Essential for their current job" and "Enthusiasm to learn/study".

The second part of the survey result is conveyed through a pie-chart that diagrammatically represents the preferences of the people, as to how they think the funding towards education should be shared. The results indicate that people who decide to study further preferred 40% of the funding done by themselves, 35% of the costs borne by the employer and 25% of funding from government aid under taxpayer schemes/benefits.

In conclusion, the survey indicates that adult education can be a means of self satiety based on the result of the bar-chart along with part-funding support from employers and government.

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Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing - Argument - "Is country music more important than the International Music" [5]

Greetings Forum Members,

Here's my second post for the day. I chose to present an argument on the topic mentioned in the subject.
I spent close to 42 minutes to complete it. Kindly highlight necessary corrections and rate the write up on the following grounds : Grammar, punctuations, relevance and unnecessary/awkward sentences. Do feel free to provide your valuable tips.

Q : Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

My take : MUSIC - An activity that has helped many to relax, heal mental illness and for some it has been the bread and butter. Perhaps, one may wonder if the art of music was always so dynamic. The answer to that is NO.

In early ages, Music used to be a recreational entertainment for the upper class, a tradition for families and a medium to communicate with a larger audience or express emotions. The music produced now-a-days and its purpose is completely different from what it was in the yester years.

Volatility in notes and chords, lyrics with profanity and commercial success of the music label are some of the traits of the music produced today. An increasing trend of this may suppress the access to some of the most beautifully played pieces of the past by legends like Vivaldi, Beethoven and Mozart. Apart from pushing the traditional music and its legendary composers to the grave, modern music has also been reported to have a severe change in people's psychology.

It is agreed that different types of music and a wide variety of choices in the music genre exposes people to different traditions and cultures of other communities. However, what is the evidence that international music has served a bigger cause like that? Most of the music produced today has added as one of the reasons that cause hearing impairment and mental nausea. As such how can such fusion of music or modern music be considered more important than the classic and traditional music of the past?

Maybe it is better to hold on to our grandparent's vinyl records to enjoy a smooth melody and relax our minds and most importantly not have any impact on our sensory organs.