Writing Feedback / IELTS: Music makes our lifes magical and meaningful [7]

Topic: there are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

This is my essay. Please give me some advices. Thanks so much!

Would ever you ask yourself this question:" why do we need music''? Let's listen to your favorite song and think about it...
We grow up with mother's breast milk and folk music songs. A mother's lullaby has the power of comforting a child. In addition, music helps us to relax, alleviates anxiety and stress after working time. Whenever you are happy or sad, we enjoy music. Moreover, music facilitates communication which goes beyond words, enable meanings to be shared! The cross- border value of music, which doesn't differentiate sex and religion, brings us together.

Nowadays, many different types of music appear and attract more and more people especially the young. The international music has rapidly developed. It has a huge positive influence on every society! The growth of music industry makes us have more choices for entertainment. But traditional music just has its own role. It's a mirror reflecting the spiritual life, the history, the culture of a country. Preserving traditional music also means respecting the national characters. We can say that: traditional music is a very important valuable legacy of every country.

To conclude, although there are still arguments about the role of traditional music compared to international music, I think that both of those make our lives magical and meaningful! Some people believe that international music is more suitable to current trend of globalization. Without doubt, it has its own charm but traditional music is still a very important part of our life!

Writing Feedback / task 2 for ielts: the wealth sharing among countries always have two sides [4]

Topic: should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

Human society is facing with many problems, especially the rich-poor gap between countries of the third world and the rest of the world. Therefore, many people propose the sharing things such as: food, education form advanced countries to the poor ones while others think that: the poor countries should look after their citizens themselves instead of hoping the supports from others.

Firstly, people of all countries are human beings. So it's very difficult for us to imagine or think that: many fellow creatures are in lack of food and education that are the basic needs for living.

Secondly, if there are not supports from advanced countries, the economic differences between rich and poor countries will become larger and larger. This is the causes of many social international problems such as: war, slavery, illegal immigration. In addition, the helps also will make good relationship between countries. It creates an advantageous condition to develop economy of both countries.

Without doubt, the supports from developed countries are very essential. However, which types of support is the most appropriate to undeveloped ones? If the support is proper, it will be the great factor that stimulates the undeveloped countries to improve their situation. Otherwise, the undeveloped countries can be dependent on the developed ones that can lead to the domination of economy and politic. Thus, the support should stop at providing food, education and health care.

To conclude, the sharing among countries always have two sides. While raising the own sense of initiative to develop country from inner powers, the most important thing is the aided countries have a right policy to use these supports effectively.