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IELTS: Music makes our lifes magical and meaningful

Tuti gunner 2 / 2  
Jul 4, 2014   #1
Topic: there are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

This is my essay. Please give me some advices. Thanks so much!

Would ever you ask yourself this question:" why do we need music''? Let's listen to your favorite song and think about it...
We grow up with mother's breast milk and folk music songs. A mother's lullaby has the power of comforting a child. In addition, music helps us to relax, alleviates anxiety and stress after working time. Whenever you are happy or sad, we enjoy music. Moreover, music facilitates communication which goes beyond words, enable meanings to be shared! The cross- border value of music, which doesn't differentiate sex and religion, brings us together.

Nowadays, many different types of music appear and attract more and more people especially the young. The international music has rapidly developed. It has a huge positive influence on every society! The growth of music industry makes us have more choices for entertainment. But traditional music just has its own role. It's a mirror reflecting the spiritual life, the history, the culture of a country. Preserving traditional music also means respecting the national characters. We can say that: traditional music is a very important valuable legacy of every country.

To conclude, although there are still arguments about the role of traditional music compared to international music, I think that both of those make our lives magical and meaningful! Some people believe that international music is more suitable to current trend of globalization. Without doubt, it has its own charm but traditional music is still a very important part of our life!

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Jul 4, 2014   #2
1. It is 245 words. Make sure you write at least 250 words.

there are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

2. To write an introduction, you should state background information related to the topic given and a thesis statement. If you could, then write a hook.

Let me give a try:
Today, roughly twenty three types of music bringing enjoyment to millions listeners can be found around the world. While some people enjoy the popularity of international music, some others preserve traditional music for strong traditions. In my view, I believe that people should appreciate music as a key hub of maintaining their real life.

3. For the next essay, leave one line every time you open a new paragraph. This helps your readers identify how good the paragraph(s) you have.

4. You need more work to discuss this issue:

Why do we need music?

OP Tuti gunner 2 / 2  
Jul 4, 2014   #3
Thanks so much :) It's my first time. Your advice is very useful for me.
QuynhAnh 1 / 3 1  
Jul 8, 2014   #4
I think you have great ideas but still somehow don't clear it well. Remember what your paragraph is pointing out and put the topic sentence at the beginning of the paragraph ( usually so )

Your essay is rather short ( I just guess because I haven't counted yet ) but if you make it more concise and straightforward then it's still ok.

But try to reach the minimum length as least.

Hope you will be better in the next essay!
Abrar - / 2 1  
Jul 8, 2014   #5
Your essay contains good Vocabulary but it looks quite short.Innovate your essay and make it soothing for the person who is reading.As an example,you should skip a line when you're starting a paragraph because it looks like you have written everything in one para and it looks all messed up!

But still the essay was excellent. Keep It Up!
xizon7777 5 / 5 4  
Jul 8, 2014   #6
First of all there should be a line between paragraphs so that others can easily read through your essay.
2. your intro should have 3 sentences :1. background; 2. thesis statement; 3. The conclusion or your opinion
3. you should use more connective words between paragraphs and sentences
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jul 15, 2014   #7
I hope you pay more attention to eddies comments. You need to change your approach for this task if you aim at a good score. Follow detailed description eddies has give you as to construct your introduction. It should very clearly introduce the issue to the reader and then include your own opinion on the issue. You can make use of your prompt to a great extent for this task - simply paraphrase your prompt :)

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