Undergraduate / "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have" CommonApp Essay [7]

I like your essay, but I feel that it was a bit rushed. Maybe you should explain in greater detail what the feelings of anxiety were. Another thing you could do is have a conclusion with more of your voice. The current conclusion is good, but it sounds like something any high school student would write. Write something that portrays you more than anything else.

Scholarship / "From Gujarat to Georgia" - Biographical Essay for Questbridge [9]

First, thank you so much vangiespen. Your thoughts were very helpful. I used your suggestions and some of my thoughts as well.

Scholarship / "From Gujarat to Georgia" - Biographical Essay for Questbridge [9]

I have an idea. For the last paragraph, should I just delete it and make a new one that talks more about giving back rather than myself? If so, wouldn't that seem like I am just trying to tell them what they want to hear?

Scholarship / The pain and struggles in life is what develops a true experienced successful person!- Questbridge [5]

I like the essence of what you are saying, but I will say your essay is a little bit all over the place. You need to have each paragraph and topic relate to the next, and have all of them connecting to an overarching theme. Transitions would also help the flow.

Scholarship / "From Gujarat to Georgia" - Biographical Essay for Questbridge [9]

I really appreciate your help, but I think shortening this essay even more takes away any display of writing ability. I have made some changes to the essay, and I feel that it is okay if I don't appeal to Questbridge too strongly. Anyway, here is the revised essay. Please suggest any changes and point out any mistakes. Thank you.

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I was born on April 11, 1998 in India, during the day of Hanuman, who symbolizes strength, intelligence, and education. This birthday brought exceptionally high expectations upon me from my family and the community. I accepted these expectations with open arms, and was enrolled in kindergarten when I was three.

Around this time, my father migrated to America for job purposes, and my mother followed soon thereafter. My sister and I joined them after three years. Touching down at the Atlanta airport, I was immediately overcome by culture shock. I moved from a small town in India to a large daunting city in America. I moved from a country of similar faces to one with extreme diversity. I was even more overwhelmed by the language barrier. I could not express myself in English, because even though I could read and write, I had never been taught to speak English.

My biggest challenge then was the language barrier. So, I concentrated on that specifically. In school, I was only able to pass classes because I had already mastered the material in India. Learning a new language is an extremely hard task, especially one as complex as English. I knew, though, that without learning the language, school and socialization would prove difficult. Therefore, I set my mind to it, and I eventually became comfortable with the English language. I began making friends and blending in with American society. As I became more comfortable, my academic performance rose, which led to increased confidence in myself and my newly developed language skills.

The next few years were also difficult. Due to job issues, my family was constantly moving. During this time, I lived across four states and attended more than ten schools. I constantly had to catch up on material that was never taught to me. Making friends was also difficult, but these challenges did have a positive effect. I experienced several different cultures. I met people of all kinds. I learned to cope and became used to constant changes and challenges.

Eventually, high school rolled around. By then, school had become undemanding for me. I was especially excited and hoped to be challenged as I was going to be enrolling in a great high school with many AP classes and excellent teachers. My freshman year went by, and I was more excited than ever. I was enrolled in challenging AP classes for sophomore year, and things were progressing well. Unfortunately, my family was forced to uproot once again in the middle of the year due to job problems. I moved from a reputed high school to one that was very young and had almost nothing but the most essential classes. In my junior year, however, my high school forged a partnership with a local technical college that allowed high school students to take college level classes. My excitement was curtailed by the news that, as a non-American citizen, I would have to pay full tuition for each class I took. This was difficult as my parents were spread thin trying to provide for us and paying for my sister's college tuition. Thankfully, I was able to at least take two classes out of the five offered.

This is when I realized that paying for college, even a community college, was going to be difficult. My parents would never let anything get in the way of education, least of all money, but I knew I had to earn significant aid to pay for any college. I had taken the ACT and scored a thirty. This was respectable, but I was determined to get a higher score. I put all my effort into studying and eventually scored in the ninety-ninth percentile, a thirty-three. I realized then that this score, combined with my 4.0 GPA and extra-curricular activities, gave me at least a decent chance to be accepted into even the most selective colleges.

I know I have several challenges to face, but I am determined. I have overcome significant challenges, such as constant migration, a language barrier, and culture shock. These challenges have helped me grow significantly. I have become more aware of the diversity in the world, and how different people have different ways of thinking. I have learned that hard work and determination will always lead to great results. I have changed my views on success. When I was younger, I thought power and wealth were indicators of success, but I now believe that success is whatever makes one happy. For some, it may be just to take care of their family. For others, it may be serving their country. For me, it is becoming an educated person my family and my community can be proud of. I want to change the world for the better, in any way possible.

Scholarship / "From Gujarat to Georgia" - Biographical Essay for Questbridge [9]

I understand your intentions, and I do genuinely appreciate them. I also appreciate the numerous ways in which you have made this essay better. Thank you.

Scholarship / Immigration has a cost----Questbridge Essay [5]

America is the land of opportunity. For centuries, immigrants have been coming to America chasing their dreams. Many immigrants successfully achieve these too, but what is the cost? Immigrants, like me, have to face a multitude of difficulties and risks on their path to achieve the American Dream.

I was given a choice in third grade. I could choose to stay in India or I could come to America. I was given the same choice again in middle school. I chose America both times. Little did I know the risks and struggles I would face. At that time, my biggest struggle was being away from India. It was all I knew. In America, I had no family, except for my parents and sister. The culture was vastly different. In addition, my life here was extremely unstable. Despite these challenges, I loved America, and I began considering myself an American.

When I entered high school, these challenges had been nullified. However, I realized that I was at a disadvantage compared to my peers because I am not an American citizen. In college admissions, I am not only competing against American students, but also students from all over the world. Despite being educated in America, I am considered as a foreigner based only on the lack of a piece of paper giving citizenship. In addition, very few colleges offer merit or need based aid for internationals, which is an absolute requirement for me. Many colleges where I fit perfectly are places where I will not even apply because of the lack of scholarships. However, to compensate for these disadvantages, I have worked harder than every one of my peers. Despite being at a 'disadvantage', I have achieved and will continue to achieve my goals with hard work.

I might be at a disadvantage, but these disadvantages have yielded great results. I have achieved a world-class education in American public schooling. I have grown more than I ever would have without the challenges. I feel that my disadvantages are, in fact, a blessing in disguise. Because I know I am at a relative disadvantage, I work much harder than most of my competitors. I know that I might not be successful at the first try, so I have learned to stay determined and motivated and persevere. Due to the constant migration, I have become mentally strong. I am not fazed by a failure, instead I find my mistakes, learn from them, and try again.

I have also realized that my challenges are breezy compared to many. I consider myself fortunate that I have the strength, courage and opportunity to face my challenges head-on and am determined to do so in the future. Right now, I am on the path to college and face a great life ahead of me. As Malcolm X once said, "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time."

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Better? Or should I take out the second paragraph entirely? Please reply urgently as the essay must be submitted today.