Undergraduate / Describe when and where you were able to work towards the betterment of your community [9]

To vangiespen:

Can "A couple months later, I started volunteering for the Children's Miracle Network, at ..." be a good transition? My essay writing skills are lacking when it comes to writing transition sentences and conclusions.

Is this a better conclusion? Was I able to show my personal growth?
Being a volunteer is more than giving money to an organization. While that plays an important role for these non- profit organizations, giving back and contributing time and effort is extremely beneficial and rewarding to the people I am helping as well as to myself. I have obtained personal growth as a result from community service such as developing new skills and building new relationships with the community members. The great outcome of volunteering is receiving a level of accomplishment by serving others to work towards the betterment of the community.

Undergraduate / Describe when and where you were able to work towards the betterment of your community [9]

Okay thank you! Here is the full essay. Please tell me if you think there are more improvements to be made.

My community involvement expands from various socioeconomic and diverse backgrounds. I became involved with the Hispanic organization Estamos Unidos of Central Pennsylvania seven years ago through the Mexican folk dance group, Ballet Tapatio. I loved being a part of a Latino group of kids that used their dancing abilities to spread the flavor of diversity at Estamos Unidos events. Although I was only ten , I was still capable of making an impact through something as simple as the art of entertainment. These cultural events were used to as fundraising events to raise money for college scholarships and summer educational programs.

In addition to my performances, each year I have had the opportunity to assist with the fundraising to provide Christmas gifts to over 1000 underprivileged children. The goal of these outreaches is to break the barrier of stereotype. Although many of the inner city adolescences were mostly minorities, the leaders of Estamos Unidos prove that ethnicity does not predetermine social status. You can rise up and choose to excel above and beyond where you came from and build the pathway for the upcoming minority youth. Inspired by the influential Hispanic leaders rising to make a difference my community, I decided that I wanted to continue to contribute to the improvement of society in other ways as well.

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Undergraduate / Describe when and where you were able to work towards the betterment of your community [9]

Thank you for all your help! Was I able to answer those questions in the first paragraph?:

My community involvement evolved steadily from various socioeconomic and diverse backgrounds. I became involved with the Hispanic organization Estamos Unidos of Central Pennsylvania seven years ago through the Mexican folk dance group, Ballet Tapatio. I loved being a part of a Latino group of kids that used their dancing abilities to spread the flavor of diversity at Estamos Unidos events. These cultural events were used to as fundraising events to raise money for college scholarships and summer educational programs. This knowledge affected the way I viewed community service because I felt empowered knowing I helped raise the funds that could potentially change someone's future. Although I was only ten, I was still capable of making an impact through something as simple as the art of entertainment. My volunteering experience opened my mind to the needs of others and essentially how important each volunteer is to the greater cause.

In addition to my performances, each year I have had the opportunity to assist with the fundraising to provide Christmas gifts to over 1000 underprivileged children. The goal of these outreaches is to break the barrier of stereotype. Although many of the inner city youth were mostly minorities, the leaders of Estamos Unidos proved that ethnicity does not predetermine social status. You can rise up and choose to excel above and beyond where you came from and build the pathway for the next generation of minorities. Inspired by the influential Hispanic leaders rising to make a difference my community, I decided that I wanted to continue to contribute to the improvement of society in other ways as well.

A couple months later, I started volunteering for the Children's Miracle Network, at Penn State Medical Center in Hershey, where I helped organize different activities for terminally ill children as well as fundraising, in which the proceeds benefiting parents financially their medical expenses. My favorite event sponsored by the Children's Miracle Network was the big birthday bash in the spring. This celebration commemorates the lives of these children surviving despite their disability. After becoming involved with Highmark and United Concordia Dental by aiding in free health clinics for uninsured individuals, Highmark generously donated toothbrushes and floss for me to give out to the kids at the party while I played the tooth fairy. What impacted me the most was being able to make a personal connection with some of these children. Seeing the same children at these events is such a rewarding experience knowing I have the privilege to work with these special little people, who find delight and wonder in the simplest of things. It also made me realize how important volunteering is; without fundraising, some families may not have the means necessary to provide their child with the healthcare or procedures needed for his or her survival.

Most recently, I was able partner with Kaboom, Inc to assist in the construction project for a new playground in Emerald and 4th Street in downtown Harrisburg. I found the most enjoyment in working together with the other volunteers, as a team, to reach our target of finishing building the park in one day. Seeing the ribbon being cut for the grand opening of the playground was satisfying in knowing that our hard work paid off. The community came together and worked to help each other is truly what volunteering is all about.

Being a volunteer is more than giving money to an organization. While that plays an important role for these non- profit organizations, giving back and contributing time and effort is extremely beneficial and rewarding to the people I am helping as well as to myself. I have obtained personal growth as a result from community service such as developing new skills and building new relationships with the community members. The great outcome of volunteering is receiving a level of accomplishment by serving others to work towards the betterment of the community.

Undergraduate / Describe when and where you were able to work towards the betterment of your community [9]


Thank you very much! :)