Describe when and where you were able to work towards the betterment of your community

please help me revise/ review my essay for grammatical errors or input to make my essay better and stand out. I will appreciate it so much!

-I have more community service that I've done but I just wrote about the main three. Should i write about those other times?
-I'm was not sure how to conclude my essay, please help me fix the last paragraph

Prompt- describe when where you were able to work towards the betterment of your community

Community Service and volunteer work plays an important role in my life. Since I was a young girl, my mom showed me the importance of giving back to society while teaching me how to appreciate everyone. Inspired by my mother's passionate example of selflessness, I have developed certain values which shaped me into the person I am today.

My community involvement expands from various socioeconomic and diverse backgrounds. I became involved with the Hispanic organization Estamos Unidos of Central Pennsylvania seven years ago through the Mexican folk dance group, Ballet Tapatio. I loved being a part of a Latino group of kids that used their dancing abilities to spread the flavor of diversity at Estamos Unidos events. Although I was young, I was still capable of making an impact through something as simple as the art of entertainment.

In addition to my performances, each year I have had the opportunity to assist with the fundraising to provide Christmas gifts to over 1000 underprivileged children. The goal of these outreaches is to break the barrier of stereotype. Although many of the inner city adolescences were mostly minorities, the leaders of Estamos Unidos prove that ethnicity does not predetermine social status.

[...]

Abby, some notes for you to consider:


- Abby, this is a flat introduction that does nothing to grab the attention of the reader. Rather than filling the space with this, go directly to your second paragraph. That has the hook that makes it an effective introduction to your essay theme.


- Start off the sentence with the age that you became involved with the Estamos Unidos work. That way your civic minded trait will become evident from the very beginning of your character formation years.


You need a transition sentence in the previous paragraph that will prepare the reader for the new community activity in the next paragraph. Don't just hit the reader with another activity when his mindset is still in the previous mode.Write a transition for every activity paragraph you create.


- It would help your essay immensely if you describe your personal growth throughout these activities. That way we can see how you bettered yourself along with the community. If you built new relationships with the community members through your participation in these activities, then open our eyes to that as well.

Once you have addressed these portions, the grammar and other issues of the paper can be addressed already :-)

To vangiespen:

Can "A couple months later, I started volunteering for the Children's Miracle Network, at ..." be a good transition? My essay writing skills are lacking when it comes to writing transition sentences and conclusions.

Is this a better conclusion? Was I able to show my personal growth?
Being a volunteer is more than giving money to an organization. While that plays an important role for these non- profit organizations, giving back and contributing time and effort is extremely beneficial and rewarding to the people I am helping as well as to myself. I have obtained personal growth as a result from community service such as developing new skills and building new relationships with the community members. The great outcome of volunteering is receiving a level of accomplishment by serving others to work towards the betterment of the community.

- Yes, that definitely works. It is a good transition sentence. Don't worry about your lack of essay writing skills at this point. Just keep writing. We will guide you with your essay writing to the point where you will eventually feel comfortable writing because you finally developed your own writing style :-) Don't be afraid to ask questions about how to improve your essay and remember, practice makes perfect :-)


- It is better. However, I can say that with finality until I see how it merges with the other parts of the essay. So once you complete the revision, you should post it here so that we can review the essay again :-)

Okay thank you! Here is the full essay. Please tell me if you think there are more improvements to be made.

My community involvement expands from various socioeconomic and diverse backgrounds. I became involved with the Hispanic organization Estamos Unidos of Central Pennsylvania seven years ago through the Mexican folk dance group, Ballet Tapatio. I loved being a part of a Latino group of kids that used their dancing abilities to spread the flavor of diversity at Estamos Unidos events. Although I was only ten , I was still capable of making an impact through something as simple as the art of entertainment. These cultural events were used to as fundraising events to raise money for college scholarships and summer educational programs.

In addition to my performances, each year I have had the opportunity to assist with the fundraising to provide Christmas gifts to over 1000 underprivileged children. The goal of these outreaches is to break the barrier of stereotype. Although many of the inner city adolescences were mostly minorities, the leaders of Estamos Unidos prove that ethnicity does not predetermine social status. You can rise up and choose to excel above and beyond where you came from and build the pathway for the upcoming minority youth. Inspired by the influential Hispanic leaders rising to make a difference my community, I decided that I wanted to continue to contribute to the improvement of society in other ways as well.

[...]

Abby, I'll be making notes, comments, and suggestions for your essay as I scan the paragraphs :-)


- ... communityinvolvement evolved steadily ...
- So you learned that these events raised money for scholarships. How did that knowledge affect the way you viewed community service? Was it an eye opener for you? How did community service open your mind to the needs of others?


- ... inner city youth were... unidos proved ...



-... byaiding in free...


- ... I played the tooth...


Save for these revisions, the overall essay content is excellent and right on target with the prompt. You should be proud of yourself for writing such an engaging and interesting paper :-)

Thank you for all your help! Was I able to answer those questions in the first paragraph?:

My community involvement evolved steadily from various socioeconomic and diverse backgrounds. I became involved with the Hispanic organization Estamos Unidos of Central Pennsylvania seven years ago through the Mexican folk dance group, Ballet Tapatio. I loved being a part of a Latino group of kids that used their dancing abilities to spread the flavor of diversity at Estamos Unidos events. These cultural events were used to as fundraising events to raise money for college scholarships and summer educational programs. This knowledge affected the way I viewed community service because I felt empowered knowing I helped raise the funds that could potentially change someone's future. Although I was only ten, I was still capable of making an impact through something as simple as the art of entertainment. My volunteering experience opened my mind to the needs of others and essentially how important each volunteer is to the greater cause.

In addition to my performances, each year I have had the opportunity to assist with the fundraising to provide Christmas gifts to over 1000 underprivileged children. The goal of these outreaches is to break the barrier of stereotype. Although many of the inner city youth were mostly minorities, the leaders of Estamos Unidos proved that ethnicity does not predetermine social status. You can rise up and choose to excel above and beyond where you came from and build the pathway for the next generation of minorities. Inspired by the influential Hispanic leaders rising to make a difference my community, I decided that I wanted to continue to contribute to the improvement of society in other ways as well.

A couple months later, I started volunteering for the Children's Miracle Network, at Penn State Medical Center in Hershey, where I helped organize different activities for terminally ill children as well as fundraising, in which the proceeds benefiting parents financially their medical expenses. My favorite event sponsored by the Children's Miracle Network was the big birthday bash in the spring. This celebration commemorates the lives of these children surviving despite their disability. After becoming involved with Highmark and United Concordia Dental by aiding in free health clinics for uninsured individuals, Highmark generously donated toothbrushes and floss for me to give out to the kids at the party while I played the tooth fairy. What impacted me the most was being able to make a personal connection with some of these children. Seeing the same children at these events is such a rewarding experience knowing I have the privilege to work with these special little people, who find delight and wonder in the simplest of things. It also made me realize how important volunteering is; without fundraising, some families may not have the means necessary to provide their child with the healthcare or procedures needed for his or her survival.

Most recently, I was able partner with Kaboom, Inc to assist in the construction project for a new playground in Emerald and 4th Street in downtown Harrisburg. I found the most enjoyment in working together with the other volunteers, as a team, to reach our target of finishing building the park in one day. Seeing the ribbon being cut for the grand opening of the playground was satisfying in knowing that our hard work paid off. The community came together and worked to help each other is truly what volunteering is all about.

Being a volunteer is more than giving money to an organization. While that plays an important role for these non- profit organizations, giving back and contributing time and effort is extremely beneficial and rewarding to the people I am helping as well as to myself. I have obtained personal growth as a result from community service such as developing new skills and building new relationships with the community members. The great outcome of volunteering is receiving a level of accomplishment by serving others to work towards the betterment of the community.

Abby, you are welcome I enjoyed helping you. In answer to your question, yes, you did answer the requirements of the prompt and then some. The essay is actually much stronger than it was before and shows a great deal of personal insight into your community work. The does seem a bit long to me though but if you are alright with the length, then it should be fine upon submission. If you think it is too long though, you will have to decide upon which parts to edit, revise, or delete.

It is always the final stage of essay preparation that takes the most time. So let's be patient with each other since we are both aiming for the same thing, producing the best essay for you that you can submit with your application package. I think the essay is ready. You have to decide if you think it is ready also. If you want to work on it some more, we are always here to lend a helping hand :-)

Thank you very much! :)