Undergraduate / 'I felt lost. It was as if I was stuck in a rut.' Criticism wanted on my common app personal essay [3]

No joke...the beginning of this essay, aka the first couple sentences, I thought this was a drug deal transaction.

Overall though, I liked how you relate your "pain/suffering" of the biking to your lifestyle and how you are always look to go above and beyond, to be challenged and never complacent as you say.

In my opinion, it might essential, if not good to know how old you were when you first got your bike. If you mention your age back then, and then say something along the lines of "Still to this day" or maybe just where you are at now shows how biking has been a key part of your life and how you have always been striving and excelling. Either that or I am reading it wrong and you are still the same aged boy from when you got the bike all through the essay.

Something to note but I feel like you use a lot of semi-colons when you can just put a comma or a period. Nothing wrong with that but just something I noticed haha.

Overall, pretty nice essay! I would love to see your Dartmouth supplement also!

Undergraduate / Passion is a necessary ingredient to success, it acts as the fuel to drive a person's ambition [2]

Loved it! You provided an excellent example of how passionate you are in the sciences, environment, and climate change.

At first though, I thought the term "climate change" was your favorite word just because of how you addressed it in the first sentence. (I would've said then that "climate change" is two words).

Undergraduate / "Stress-relief baking" - It provides a cathartic release for all the stressful emotions [5]


Did you mean "tapping"?

Overall, loved it!

You think you can bake me some goods for all these supplements I have to do? :D

Letters / I tweet, a lot, and I am very proud - A letter to isolationists, differentials, and non-tweeters. [6]


I feel like these should be connected with a comma, or maybe a semicolon just by the way I read this aloud.

I like the approach you took on it, but it seems like you are kind of condescending to people who people who don't have Twitter accounts. You are criticizing people who just don't want a Twitter. What if someone in admissions doesn't have a Twitter (Might be highly unlikely though)? You're basically offending them and telling them that they are static people who live in the past and are alone. Don't think offending someone who is thinking of accepting you into their college will go well.

The vibe I get from this, like I said, is critical on people who made that choice not to get an account. Maybe soften it up a bit and don't bring out all these negative aspects. I know you were trying to stick to the topic of Tweeting but there are certainly other ways of obtaining information rather than social media. The news, magazines, newspapers, the Internet! My parents don't have Twitters but that doesn't make them any less than someone who does, let alone not up to date on things.

As a final note, by the way you talk, it's almost as if you're saying just because we live in a technological age, it means we have to be forced to be 'current' and have all this social media. Yes, you bring out a nice point about how all this news can be brought to our attention with a click but as that saying goes, "life is full of choices", so does choosing not to have something all of a sudden make you lesser than others?

Just my thoughts and maybe something to think about.

Letters / I tweet, a lot, and I am very proud - A letter to isolationists, differentials, and non-tweeters. [6]

I like it! More of a happier/positive tone compared to the last one and it almost seems like you've persuaded me to use Twitter (even though I already have one)! I like how you gave a very specific detail to the Michael Brown incident, which is good! From what my teachers tell me, adcoms like specifics! Then relating it to how Twitter is this hub of information that is fast and easy to obtain just basically explains why to Tweet, to be a more "informed person".

Good Luck!

PS I'd advise getting more advice from maybe parents or friends. Show them your first post, and then your revised one and see what they like the most; see if they have similar or different critics than me:D

Undergraduate / Change started to take place in my life when my father had to close his lifelong business. [6]


Not sure if I am reading this tight, but you were driving at the age of 15? Did they kidnap you while you were in the car? Were you walking home? What made them able to catch up to you if you were driving?

Clarification would be nice in that area, but it's something I asked myself when wondering.

Great story overall.