Posts by cosag96

cosag96

Dec 29, 2014

Undergraduate / I nearly quit track after coming in dead last in my first race. - Extracurricular Essay [4]

This will be my go to essay for any prompt that ask for an elaboration on one of my extracurricular activities. Most of these prompts limit the short answer to 150 words.

I nearly quit track after coming in dead last in my first race. It was embarrassing; the perfectionist in me was furious at my failure to excel athletically the same way I excelled academically. However, quitting was even more anomalous to my character than failure.

That proved to be one of the best decisions I made in high school. Track became an integral part of identity. The discipline I gained from being a student-athlete became critical to my success in the classroom. My teammates became my family as I used my academic prowess to tutor struggling members before practice. I came to love running; the strenuous yet monotone movement became a form of meditation to me, offering me solace in a sometimes hectic world. Ultimately, Track taught me that success can't always be measured by trophies and awards. What matters most is what you gain from the experience.

im having issues avoiding repetitive language.
Thank anyone for the help.

cosag96

Dec 29, 2014

Undergraduate / I nearly quit track after coming in dead last in my first race. - Extracurricular Essay [4]

Thank you for the advice.

Is the any way I can improve the ending? the very last sentence seems impersonal and weak

cosag96

Jan 3, 2015

Undergraduate / Firstly, I would look to get a job at a renowned chemical company such as DuPont [4]

I think it would be effective to change your approach. Ditch the part where you talk about your career goals with DuPont completely. Start it off immediately with your discussion about saving the world. Address the limitations, but somehow, talk about how much you can contribute with engineering. Talk about how you want to address food shortages here.

cosag96

Jan 3, 2015

Scholarship / The routine of my family - we are separated from ourselves. Gates Millennium Scholarship Essay [10]

Focus on what you were able to achieve DESPITE of your experiences. Don't try to force sympathy. When you tell your story in a way that portrays you as an over-comer, it is much more powerful/effective.

cosag96

Jan 3, 2015

Undergraduate / Cooking for family - it means the world to me, I won't let that opportunity pass. [7]

I would like to know if I answered the prompt, and if what I' trying to say flows.
What matters to you, and why? (100 to 250 words)
When my parents divorced and my father left our lives, my family flirted dangerously with despair. My brothers feared things were changing for the worse. My mother blamed herself for the divorce. My loved ones needed motivation to be optimistic and focus on the positive things. After reflecting on past experiences, I realized that our fondest memories were the dinners we spent together, an event we ceased to partake in the months following my dad's departure.

[...]

cosag96

Jan 3, 2015

Undergraduate / Diligent, temperate, open-minded, scrupulous thinker, crossover of East and West. Short answers [2]

in the events part, cut off the "there happened to be 2 events" waste of words.
"Summer 2013" instead of Summer of the 2013.

cosag96

Jan 3, 2015

Undergraduate / Cooking for family - it means the world to me, I won't let that opportunity pass. [7]

How about this version? In other parts of my application I discussed that my mom became too busy with work to cook-- breifly
I am grateful for my ability to cook. It means the world to me because without it, I wouldn't have saved my family. When my parents divorced and my father left, my family flirted dangerously with despair. They feared things were permanently changing for the worse. One tradition we no longer enjoyed was the warm, homemade dinners that formed our fondest family memories. I decided the best way I could help my family was to learn how to cook and revamp this tradtion.

At first, cooking was hardly an easy task. My food was either too salty or too bland. Most discouraging of all was the lack of any change in my family members' demeanor. I was tempted to give up and work with T.V. dinners. But I remembered how powerless I felt when my dad left. There was nothing I could do to keep him in our lives .However minuscule it may be, I wasn't going let go of the chance to make a difference through cooking.

I changed tactics. By experimenting with recipes and combining cuisines, I came to view cooking as less of a duty and more as a means of artistic expression, thus improving the quality of my food. Eventually, my efforts bore fruit. My now scrumptious meals reminded my loved ones that we still had much to be grateful for. I fed my family more than just warm meals; I fed them joy

cosag96

Jan 25, 2015

Essays / A experience that you would like to have? My adventure is to climb Mount Everest. [3]

First of all, brainstorm WHY you want to partake in this adventure and what it would mean to you. Then try to connect this adventure to an important part of your character... Then we can work from there.

cosag96

Jan 26, 2015

Writing Feedback / ielts: Are we becoming more independent ? [6]

The word-choice and the use of first-person in the essay makes it kinda choppy. For example, in the first sentence, it would be more effective to erase the "our" altogether and use more firm diction instead of "Some people think". "It is believed", "Some individuals argue" or any other variation would make start this essay off better. Throughout this essay instead of referring to society as "we", refer to it explicitly as "society" and use the appropriate pronouns. This makes your essay seem more serious and argumentative.

It is incorrect to to say "more independent than the past". Wording it like this means you are literally saying, we are more independent than the past itself.

Try using a thesis statement that bluntly states your position. It is more effective than waiting till the end to state this. And, instead of claiming you strongly believe, make an affirmative statement (just erase "I strongly believe")