Writing Feedback / Story that affected me most - my TOEFL essay [5]

Yes! I agreed with these two people's comments on your essay. It includes details and is very fluent for readers. It seems very naturally flowing from your mind. Much better than me.

Here is my little suggestion that you could forge your essay in more layers. According to the TOEFL essay structure, you could divide the middion section into two paragraphs. Supposed we divided it into two,in the 1st section, you could point out that you were stroke by this student's altitude towards education. Compared with him, you do not even appreciate what you already have got. And then you could develop the story to support it. In the second section, you could point out that you admire him because he tried his best when he is confronted with diffculties in such tough situation. So you were deeply moved by this spirit and you realized that it is how important to possess such spirit. Also, you use details to support or color it.

all in all, i think your mastery of language could help you easily handle the IBT essay. However, perhaps you could pay more attention to the organization which may make it more convincing for ETS readers.