Writing Feedback / Analysis of suicides occurrence among people, especially youngsters between 17 and 30 years of age [4]

- some of them because of there family like in case of divorced parents -> their
- by rising the awareness -> raising because 'rise' is an intransitive verb
- fillthere free time -> their
- some of them -> should be extruded
- people who suicide are usually exhausted mentally -> "mentally exhausted"
- he give up everything he has in his life -> he gives up everything (no need to add "he has in his life")

- in every time -> meaningless
- because of there family like in case of divorced parents as an example, there is also who suicide because of education pressure and the non-satisfied note , of because of the pain that is output of an excessively dose of drugs. -> because of their family, for example parents divorced, or because of education pressure, excessive doses of drugs (your sentence is really wordy, this is my fixing but you can fix another way)

Generally, the essay is wordy, your points are not clear, comprehensive, your reasoning is not good. I can'nt understand your idea in this essay. Specially, punctuation should be used more. You need to improve a lot. But keep writing, you'll be better.

Cheers, Van

Writing Feedback / One day visit to your country -TOEFL independent essay [6]

... it seems to me that a foreign visitor, who can only stay for one day, should visit my city because it takes him one day to learn about several aspects of the culture of my country. --> it's unintelligible and not a really good idea though it's what's the thread is about

your writing style lacks hospitality. foreign visitors won't be convinced much