Undergraduate / Discipline, resolution, perfection. - Common App 150 word essay [9]

Hi, Im totally lost about how to write a good admission essay
so far I've only written a rough draft for the common app 150 word essay

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

here's what I wrote

Discipline, resolution, perfection.
"Band ten hut!"
My arms snap up, flute held perpendicular to my body. Stretched before me is a vast expanse of green. The silence of the crowd floats down as the first notes of our song waver in the air.

Then the school bus stops and I wake to reality. A thrill of excitement and nervousness washes through me. It was time to perform.
Now as a senior, I recall my experience as a wide-eyed freshman in marching band. I remember the ease with which I been accepted into the band family and the trust we had in one another to always give our best. I remember my awe at hearing Jen Cho play her piccolo solo flawlessly or watching Jared march in perfect time, his tuba held high. I'm proud of having had the chance to learn, work, and march alongside them and others. If I close my eyes, I see our teal-and-white ensemble moving in unison-and myself, a part of something larger than myself.

word count: 170

It's a bit long (20 words over the word count, is that ok?) though I could probably cut some stuff. I'm not sure if it shows enough about myself as a person though or if the essay might be too vague especially the beginning. My dad said he was confused by the initial scene changes. Basically I'm trying to show some of the feelings I got from marching band and how I enjoyed working with everyone and being a part of the band.

Is what I wrote a good enough fit for the prompt or is there anything lacking that I could change/revise and make better?

Any feedback would be much appreciated, thanks for everyones time =)

Undergraduate / Open topic - Common App Personal Statement (Thursday afternoons) [3]

Hi, here's my common app personal statement

Open Topic

Thursday afternoons find me walking against the crowd. Backpack slung over my shoulder, I maneuver across a campus loud with students and head towards our school's library. Waving to some friends here and there, I eventually reach my destination. The immediate silence that the library doors bring washes over me and a rush of enthusiasm invigorates my mind; Thursday afternoons is when we have our regular chess club meeting.

I first began playing chess at age six while living in Canada. My mom drove me to a nearby recreational chess club and when I saw the room of children waving mahogany pieces across the checkered boards, I immediately liked the game. Eagerly, I began learning chess from the adults there, taking to heart the information they imparted. As a child, I was rather mischievous and as I progressed-learning from my teachers and opponents-I also amassed a collection of chess tricks. I was full of devilish glee whenever my strategies won me a game even though my opponent had twice as many pieces.

As I matured though, my chess tricks grew more elegant. I strove for surprise maneuvers and enjoyed the moments when I was able to checkmate one move before my opponent, having carefully planned out that one move difference many moves before. My chess instructors have told me I have a knack for tactics and the deeper I delve into chess, the more I grow to appreciate and respect their wisdom. Their guidance has allowed me to share my knowledge with the members of our club as well as pursue ever more complex variations on my own. Nevertheless, I still remember the original allure of the game-the unmistakable clink of pieces being taken, the fast paced fury of the moves, and the surprise tricks that characterized so much of my early chess experience.

Having entered the library, I cheerfully greet the librarian, and we talk about the upcoming state tournament and the preparations that need to be made. Afterwards I walk toward my friends who look up from their chessboards and laugh, saying they were already into their second game. I smile apologetically before joining them. Soon our surroundings dissolve into a medieval landscape as we settle into hours of contentment.

My love for chess, however, extends beyond the surprise and intricacy of the game. Over the years, chess has become more than a hobby for me; whether indirectly or directly, it has been a tour guide for my life. Some time ago, I began teaching chess at a local Chinese school. My first class consisted of only one student, a little Indian girl who, from the moment I saw her, seemed as if she would leave the class and never come back if not for her parents. Slightly deterred by her indifference, I began teaching her the basic rules of chess. She caught on quickly but her disinterest remained in her eyes.

Halfway through the lesson, I paused and began to converse her, nodding at what she had to say while my mind furiously thought of ways for her to enjoy chess. I began asking her about her school, her friends, and her interests and found my solution when she told me she liked videogames.

Using what I knew of videogames, I asked her to draw her favorite game characters and encouraged her to create a fun game with the characters that strikingly resembled chess. I was quite glad to see her return for the second lesson and even happier still at the enthusiasm she displayed for the rest of course. Through chess, I was able not only to befriend a little girl but also to have the experience of teaching and sharing my passion with another. More than a game, chess has provided me with opportunities unforeseen and I can recall another incident when chess again played a leading role in my life.

On this particular Thursday, I am engaged in a game with a friend, Kyle, when a Vietnamese student approaches our table. In halting English, he asks if he could play one of us. Kyle nods at me, indicating that I should play him, but I hesitate. As president of our club, I am always eager for new members but I am never certain whether to take it easy or to play my regular game. Two moves into the game, his knight leaps out in attack and I no longer fear playing too aggressively.

As game unfolds, we trade maneuvers, many times countering each other's threats just in time. We parry each other's attacks, pouncing and retreating-neither of us willing to yield tempo or a better position to the other. Every once in awhile, I look up and I see him concentrating deeply on the board, mumbling strategies in Vietnamese. As the game draws on, I grow to respect as a fellow chess enthusiast. Later we would become friends and my respect would heighten upon learning that he was a foreign exchange student who arrived in California only two weeks ago.

The game comes down to its final skirmishes and in a surprise maneuver, he knocks away my rook and our two kings face off-a draw game. I smile and stretch out my hand.

"Good game," I say. I then invite him to participate in the Calchess State tournament with our team. He looks up, calculations evidently still running through his mind, before he replies, "Yes, I would like to go very much." We shake hands as smile lights up his face.

Word Count-922

I've already revised it once but there's still parts that I can tweak and I thought I'd just ask for feedback before going over it again.

It's also a bit long so suggestions about parts that I can maybe cut or write more concisely would be helpful.

Thanks!