"It's not who I am underneath, it's what I do that defines me"--common app essay

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Notes: I know this essay needs alot of work, and im not yet finished yet, but I need help in coming up with a really strong ending, as well as a stronger intro. (I think I already have some pretty good points in the body, but should I expand?). Also, I feel completely messed up on all the tenses, im not even sure what tense I should be writing this in! Anyways, I give great thanks to anyone who can put in just a little time to try and help me!

Ok everyone, heres the final copy...I think its very good and unique, but let me know what you guys think.

A few years ago, I found myself sitting in front of the television screen on an average Sunday night, yet what I thought was going to be just another normal end to a weekend actually turned into a life changing experience for me. As I clicked through the channels, trying to find at least something interesting to pass the time, I suddenly caught sight of the new Batman movie, Batman Begins, which had just been released onto HBO. The movie seemed to be midway through, but I happened to start watching at the climactic moment when Batman looked into the eyes of childhood friend and lawyer Rachel Dawes and said, "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me."

Instantly, my mind began to spin and flood with thoughts as I attempted to digest this profound quote. I sat there, frozen on the couch, eyes staring deeply into the television screen, completely unaware of what was occurring next in the scene but instead contemplating this idea. Suddenly I realized the truth of this lesson. It is in this one moment that I truly felt my life had changed in the way I looked at myself. At the time, I believed that I possessed many admirable character traits, but I now realized these traits were meaningless if they could not be displayed through my actions. I soon developed a strong desire to prove who I really was, and every day I made it my mission to be judged by my actions and not by my perception of myself. I started to change my life, and decided to demonstrate my character traits. I began volunteering at a local day camp for mentally retarded children, and trust me, seeing any child in that condition really did bring out my true self, and gave me an idea of who I really was. I realized that I had never actually felt "compassion" before then, because in the past compassion was an abstract concept my mother always tried to teach my brothers and me, such as being compassionate towards homeless people or anyone else in dire need. Although I felt slightly uncomfortable at first, as I went to the camp day after day, I soon developed a special relationship with the kids, one that was centered around my unconditional care and affection for the children, as well a desire to make the children's day as happy and enjoyable as possible. Part of me felt burdened by the heart-wrenching sight of a child unable to open his lunchbox or tie his shoes, yet the other part of me also felt a true compassion towards that child. Therefore, instead of continuing my work of setting up the chairs and helping to clean, I followed my impulse to help that child. Instead of just doing my everyday work at the camp, I began to go that extra step to help any of the children there, whether it be staying late to help a child confined to a wheelchair get into the car to go home or cutting time out of my own lunch break to help another child eat his or her food.

Working at this kind of camp made me feel much better about myself and was my first true taste of what it is like to define myself through my actions. I recall coming home from the camp one evening, and scrolling through the HBO movies I noticed that Batman Begins was playing: I thought to myself again of how the quote from that movie applies to my life, and how it became the starting point for how I planned to live my life from then on. Now, I still carry through every day with my mission, and I try as hard as I can to make what I do the real definition of myself and my character, rather than what I may be underneath.

What you've got so far is very strong, but now you have to take it somewhere. We can't help you come up with the conclusion, because we don't know what it is that you will do.

What's amusing to me is that I had the same experience at your age, only to the underlying philosophy: existentialism. This is a philosophical system that holds that "existence precedes essence" or, in other words, "you are what you do." That insight has guided me ever since. I know what I have done with it, but only you can guess where it will lead you.

Well I wasnt really sure where this essay would fit in regarding the prompt, but the only other essay questions on the common app that might apply to this essay would include:

Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

or

Topic of your choice.

And im gonna add some more things and try to write up a conclusion.

This seems to be a pretty interesting essay. I think you should dedicate a few paragraphs to examples of what you did after you came to your realization in order to emphasize the impact of the quote. Also I think there's a few run-ons in the essay, either that or the sentences or too long. Otherwise it seems to be a good idea and you can always choose open topic instead of fitting this essay to the other prompts.

Yea I just wanted to try to do something unique lol

okay guys I did some work on the body paragraph, let me know what you think.

Instantly, my mind began to spin and flood with thoughts as I attempted to digest this very deep quote. I sat there, frozen on the couch, eyes staring deep into the television screen, completely unaware of what was occurring next in the movie but instead contemplating and understanding what I had just heard, and suddenly I realized how true of a lesson I was just taught. It is with this one, small moment that I truly felt my life had changed in the way I looked at myself, my character, and my actions.

...

Much better. Now, break this into two paragraphs. Also, go back through and edit ruthlessly, cutting out any excess words and phrases so that your sentences are as direct and powerful as possible.

"Part of me felt burdened by the heart-wrenching sight of seeing a child unable to open his lunchbox or tie his shoes, yet the other part of me just felt a true compassion towards that child, and instead of continuing my work setting the chairs up or helping clean, I stopped what I was doing and followed my immediate impulse to help that child."

How can I fix up this last sentence? I feel like im using the word "child" or "that child" too much.

How did you feel "burdened" by the sight?
Sight of seeing=No
Impulses are already immediate.

This sentence does not sound like a concluding sentence to me.

Yes. It needs a fair bit of editing in your part. Make sure that the tenses are parallel and remove words that do neither good nor bad to your essay.


Well,

for starters

Part of me felt burdened by the heart-wrenching sight of seeing a child unable to open his lunchbox or tie his shoes, yet the other part of me just felt a true compassion towards that child,and. instead of continuing my work of setting the chairs up orand helping clean, I stopped what I was doing and followed my immediate impulse to help that child.

^You need to break your sentences down a tad bit.

While I'm normally a fan of plain speaking, you might want to consider your audience and find a more PC term. I'm pretty sure "retarded" hasn't made a comeback, though it wouldn't surprise me, the way these things go.

how come I don't see the essay?

The last sentence starts with "Now" maybe you could change it to "In the present day" or something similar

Hi Andrew -- I thought your writing is just great, and thoughts you had became words quite seamlessly.

The academic purpose to your writing aside, I felt you were seeing yourself as the person you admire, Batman. Apart from his heroics and some antics with the Joker, essentially his life's theme seems to be about helping out those who cannot fend for themselves. To me, your working with those children you mention, seems to fit into this mould.

It is just my observation, and some understanding from life's lessons, that any exterior model for ones own behavior leaves you feeling a little hollow inside after a while. As though, there was something uniquely you inside which you neglected to enquire about, and address, in the things you chose to do.

You may probably be feeling this way about your work with the kids. I want to say this somewhat cautiously next, that again, human personality being what it is, given the first chance it shoots off unable even to check itself in the very opposite direction. Like some verbal moral barrier, maybe teachings from parents, held only in ones mind, gives way. And your own need to experience reality, leads you on with an accompanying sense that you are doing no wrong. How lost a person may then become, finding himself doing the very things he abhorred earlier?

I have these questions about your prompt and the essay you wrote. Thanks.

Ok I think ill change "retarded" to "challenged"...I think that sounds more politcally corret.

To Rajiv- Im sorry but you kinda confused me on what you were asking here: "You may probably be feeling this way about your work with the kids. I want to say this somewhat cautiously next, that again, human personality being what it is, given the first chance it shoots off unable even to check itself in the very opposite direction. Like some verbal moral barrier, maybe teachings from parents, held only in ones mind, gives way. And your own need to experience reality, leads you on with an accompanying sense that you are doing no wrong. How lost a person may then become, finding himself doing the very things he abhorred earlier?"

What exactly do you mean by this?

Sorry about that. Let me say it as this -

You may probably be feeling this way about your work with the kids. I want to say this somewhat cautiously next, that again, human personality being what it is, given the first chance it shoots off unable even to check itself in the very opposite direction. As though some verbal moral barrier, maybe teachings from parents, held only in ones mind, gives way. And your own need to experience reality, leads you on with an accompanying sense that you are doing no wrong. How lost a person may then become, finding himself doing the very things he abhorred earlier?