Undergraduate / NYU Tisch (majoring in filmmaking) - "why us" essay [4]

Hello @Fahmisaja and @justivy03, thank you for you valuable feedback! My essay was indeed very lacking... I took on a new direction and re-wrote my essay according to the pointers you have offered me. Once again, I am really so grateful for your help!

Essay: The term, "short term memory loss", was often used by my peers as an excuse to wiggle themselves out of sticky situations. While I was never clinically diagnosed with short-term memory loss, I definitely had a shallow memory capacity. After several futile attempts at memory games and memory related kinaesthetic or audial exercises, my aunt dug out her Canon 40D DSLR and hung it around my neck. Being the photographer, my aunt figured it would be much easier for me to retrace my own visual cues.

My memory cues soon grew into passion; studying Media Studies in secondary school, I later pursued a diploma in Film, Sound & Video in Ngee Ann Polytechnic.

While I enjoyed my course immensely, many of my classmates might say otherwise. Many of them were intelligent and their films were hailed as "fine work", "displaying high levels of potential". In spite of so, they hardly took classes seriously and grew bored of filmmaking. I felt insulted, and at the same time envious of them. I thought that perhaps my film was only as good as my grades.

My efforts to make good films were commendable, but my intentions were disgraceful and the results, dissatisfactory. Feeling ashamed, I sought ways to feel proud of my craft again. Regardless the grade, I craved to learn and explore, to break free from conformity and create an identity and style uniquely me.

The change in mindset proved effective, giving me the confidence and drive to direct a television game show involving my class of twenty students and a collaboration with a student enterprise. That same year, the School of Film & Media studies organised a month-long overseas immersion programme to Sichuan, Chengdu, where forty of us were tasked to shoot a documentary in teams of four. My team's documentary, which delves into China's education system and its impacts on wealth disparity, was selected for my course's esteemed graduation showcase in May 2015.

Singapore's industry has reached a stage of stagnation. Thus, I wish to acquire valuable experiences in NYU so that I might be part of the generation that pushes the Singapore filmmaking industry out of purgatory. As an international student, I find comfort in NYU's dynamic learning space with students from all over the world. Despite the unique university setting and diverse student body, the clubs promote a strong school pride and unity that I am excited to be a part of. Not only so, the quality of professors and facilities in NYU Tisch have proven to be the best; having sent out so many amazing students, now filmmakers, who have surged filmmaking into a new era only proves the value in the opportunities and experiences offered in NYU. I look forward to exploring and learning together with like-minded classmates, cherishing memories and striving for excellence with them.

I know that the journey will not be easy, and I am prepared for it. After all, obstacles and textures are what makes this romance all the more alluring.

(499 words)

Scholarship / Maritime defense - Chevening (leadership) to write essays as answers for their questions [3]

Hello there, I'm not an expert but I'll try to help you out...

1. 'Joining the events company two months prior to the event, I worked with 3 other interns whomwho took on different roles...'

2. 'Being the eldest, I took the lead' Sounds a little passive. What has being the eldest have to do with what you did? Maybe you'd like to rephrase to "I felt responsible over the interns and collaborated with other teams..."

3. 'At the age of seven...' I think you need to somehow link it. The content from the paragraph above doesn't mention your age, so suddenly talking about an event when you were seven seems abrupt.

4. 'I was appointed to be my first leadership role - class monitor' > At age 7, I was appointed as class monitor - my first leadership role.

5. 'From then on, my six years of primary school education had been filled with all kinds of leadership position like...'
I think you can condense this part down. You seem to be giving me a list of roles, but I don't really need to read all that. Why not say something like

'My teachers/peers in school recognised my leadership potential and thus, I was often called to step up as a leader, be it in school, club activities...' etc etc.

6. 'Nearing the end of my first year in military band, majority of the new recruits quit.' Perhaps you'd like to use more emotive language here. Didn't you mention above that you started hating leadership roles 'cause people weren't very nice? Why not use that to draw a comparison: you hated your leadership roles, but the band was something special to you - so you made an effort and your efforts in trying to get the newcomers to stay in turn taught you the values you listed above. Also, seeing as you were from the military band, if it was a reputable one, you can sort of link it to why you want this maritime defence thing.

7. You seem to be harping on a lot about leadership positions :/ Try to write about your work > than your position. Talk more about your personality and attributes that made you a good leader in secondary school and in poly. Talk about responsibility and determination, that you are passionate for things you care deeply for and those around you unknowingly become infected with your enthusiasm and responsibility.

(Feel free to boast just a little about yourself and say stuff that you think people might think about you. You were BM; people would've told you that you were amazing at sight reading or that you were a very kind person - write that in instead of "I was leader of xxx". Draw up instances where your 'leading by example' was shown - maybe while telling juniors to move things, you'd be the first to gather all the files and stands and move them down, or you'd quickly move everything down so you can come back and ask the percussion team if they needed your help)

8. 'I learnt throughout the years that leadership is not simply just being strict and in control.' Once again, shift the word 'leadership' around, don't keep putting it at the front of your sentences.

9. 'I did not change but my perception of leadership changed...' Perhaps, "My leadership opportunities changed my perception of leadership."

10. '...from the young immature viewpoint to the realisation of what it really is' = from thea young immature viewpoint to the realisation of what it really is.

^ Even so, what is it, really? Summarise it in one word. Google good phrases and idioms by famous leaders and rephrase them if you need to.

As mentioned before, I'm not a professional and this is just my two-cents worth. I know that emotive language is perhaps not everyone's strong suit, so if you're uncomfortable writing it like I do, don't worry about it. Hope you have enough time to re-write it for our community to take a look at again :)

Undergraduate / USC Undergraduate Admissions Supplement Essay- Major: Applied Mathematics, Intended Minor: History [4]

Hello there! @vangiespen listed quite a few good tips, so I won't repeat what was said.

'I hope to study applied mathematics to pursue my interests in biochemistry and one day create algorithms for DNA replication and explore processes of the cell cycles.', '...USC can provide me the resources and education to investigate these interdisciplinary questions.'

Is there a specific class or module in USC that caters to this? The question asks specifically about how you would pursue them at USC, so it might be good to answer the question directly.

You managed to handle a good balance between math and history, so that's good.

'I hope to become a Renaissance Scholar at USC by seeking a major in mathematics and a minor in history to fulfill my broad interests.'

Perhaps you'd consider rephrasing this. Perhaps sound a little more sure, "I believe..." < then link it again to why you and USC are a great fit. Try to think of it like you're on a date and you're telling your date why you and her are a perfect fit. Point + elaborate + link (Your beauty is unrivalled - your eyes are my greatest inspiration. With your beauty and my Wes Anderson skills, we'll make great films together)

Other than that, wonderfully written :)

Writing Feedback / I agree that mass media should arrange the publicity of celebrities [3]

Hello there!

First of all, I'm not sure if you have a word limit, but if you don't, it might do you some good to provide good examples for celebrities who have been covered by the media so that your essay doesn't seem so one-sided from the get-go.

'However, they are rarely to report the ordinary people. It is argued that mass media should reduce reporting the celebrities excessively and raise the proportion of little-known people. However, I would argue that media has immense influence in order to change public perception, simultaneously also to educate society.'

Would you like to elaborate lightly more about why we'd rather look at celebrities than the average Joe? There must be a reason why we'd rather report about Ariana Grande's diet rather than my neighbour's heroic act to save puppies from a burning building and as a result died from his valiant attempt.

'The presence of mass media today, it depends on how much public trust given to them. Thus, they have to maintain their content so as to retain its image.'

It feels like your smoking your way through here. So what? What public trust? What kind of content? Be more specific.

'However, it is undeniable that media coverage brings the positive and negative side.'
Ok, this is a bit of a jump. It's like you suddenly remembered you needed to have a balanced argument. It might be good if you could ease your way into this bit. One way to do it is by keeping your paragraphs to the PEEL format:

Point
Explanation
Elaboration
Link
It can even be 1 sentence/example per point. Eg. I love anime [point]. I can list out over 5000 animes and there is not one anime that I have not seen or heard [explanation]. In 2004, I participated in the world anime championships and defeated at least 200 otakus from all over the country in listing, quoting phrases and identifying anime characters, emerging top 10 in my region. [Elaboration/examples] My love for anime knows no bounds [Link], but I have to admit that the decreasing quality of anime in the past 5 years has greatly disappointed me. [Link to next paragraph, where you talk about why you're disappointed, and how now you might actually prefer Korean dramas.]

'All in all, I agree that mass media should arrange the publicity of celebrities since some of them just more showing bad influence for society. Otherwise, ordinary people should acquire high proportion because society need educated channel'

'all in all' Might wanna reconsider using this. Sounds a bit slipshot. Go straight to the point.
High proportions, of what? Society's need for educated channels? Hm a bit confusing.