Nelly
Dec 7, 2009
Undergraduate / 'mixed in awe, fear and some incomprehensible excitement' - Common app_ topic of your choice [15]
My dear,
Personally, I like other essays of yours better, but this one is okay.
here are some comments ( just my opinion):
1. As a friend, I do agree that your characters are successfully shown here: ambitious, risky, a bit crazy and intelligent.
2. The introduction part is long. The paragraph that you describe the feeling as you witness the scene. It somehow does not much connect to the rest of your essay. I mean, why don't you link your feeling as you stand at the stop of mountain( the fear and stun? ) to your emotion when you receive the result? As VAer always said: Show not tell. The series of questions is not so much relevant. I prefer adjectives to questions.
3. One more point is the length. Shouldn't it be more concise? If you fix your 2 first paragraphs, think it will be okay.
4. Nothing can gain without effort, except for genius I mean. It would be great if you show a little of your hard work when you study for the competition and getting into one of the top-ranked high school? It does not only depend on the fate, the luck and belief, right?
5. I do love the way you use words and structure =D, always is my favorite part! lol
Hope it helps!
Nelly.
My dear,
Personally, I like other essays of yours better, but this one is okay.
here are some comments ( just my opinion):
1. As a friend, I do agree that your characters are successfully shown here: ambitious, risky, a bit crazy and intelligent.
2. The introduction part is long. The paragraph that you describe the feeling as you witness the scene. It somehow does not much connect to the rest of your essay. I mean, why don't you link your feeling as you stand at the stop of mountain( the fear and stun? ) to your emotion when you receive the result? As VAer always said: Show not tell. The series of questions is not so much relevant. I prefer adjectives to questions.
3. One more point is the length. Shouldn't it be more concise? If you fix your 2 first paragraphs, think it will be okay.
4. Nothing can gain without effort, except for genius I mean. It would be great if you show a little of your hard work when you study for the competition and getting into one of the top-ranked high school? It does not only depend on the fate, the luck and belief, right?
5. I do love the way you use words and structure =D, always is my favorite part! lol
Hope it helps!
Nelly.