Hi everybody! This is my common app essay that i'm still working on. Please give me any of your comments that you come up with. Harsh comments are more than welcome.
Thank you a lot in advance!
I stepped back, mixed in awe, fear and some incomprehensible excitement. Half of me was yelling out for me to run but the bigger half told me to stay and experience with my six senses the scene I had never seen before. It was twilight, I was in the mountain with my friend on our summer camp trip and we were 1 km away from the camp site. Everywhere was the fierce rustle of trees dazed by gusts of wind. A tremendous fork of lighting struck the sky, and a crash of thunder exploded in an attempt to quiet everything. From the position where we stood, the sky was quaking, but the village far below the mountain was so still and somehow so defenseless.
What made it, I don't know, the viciousness of the incoming storm or the smallness of the human scene, or both, but at that moment, anger, hatred, jealousy, all the things that had been tortured people forever became meaningless. And some of our daily distress, about failure-success, or future-past became so trivial...
...Twilight, the sky was monotonously dark. I lied in bed near the window. My eyes wide opened but they couldn't see anything outside because tears kept spilling out. "Please tell me this is a nightmare! How could this happen to me? ...No, it's over! I have to live my life now! ...But it's just too hard! I was betrayed by my own destiny." My heart suddenly writhed. For the first time, I thought I knew that feeling of "this is the end of everything". Downstairs, my dad's familiar tread brought on a new surge of misery inside of me which burst out as he appeared at the door.
_Daddy...I failed...
_It's alright, alright! I know!
I cried so hard while cuddling up against him. "Please, dad...don't make me go to school tomorrow..."
...Dad looked at my teacher the same way he had looked at the four famous fortune-tellers. And my teacher's response was pretty much the same as what the fortune-tellers had said:
_ Of course she will get the scholarship! I believe in her!
At fifteen, I never contemplated my failure or believed in it. That's why when someone said that I would win a hard competition to be among 20 Vietnamese students who get the full scholarship to study in Singapore Chinese Girl's School, one of top 5 high schools in Singapore, I believed it. Because of my belief, a girl as ambitious as I was could skip many classes at school to spend time on studying only English and Math for the competition that could send her to one of the best education systems in the world. I could lag far behind my class-mates yet never doubted my direction. And even when I came to the leaving examination unprepared, my mind was still on my real competition 4 months later. Life never treated me so bad. My fate was never destined for serious trouble or miserable failure. All I knew was that if I failed, I would not get in a top-ranked high school in Vietnam because of my leaving examination's bad result. And because I would keep skipping classes in my new high school, if I failed, I would have to handle a very heavy workload to catch up with my classmates and also suffer feeling of having a broken dream. For such bad things, fate would not let me fail...
...Still, I went to school the next day. After a month of ignoring the school work, every subject appeared so difficult to me. My eyes were swollen and all I wanted was just to cry out if teachers ever called my name. The first day was not an easy day and many days later were full of discouragement, failures and despair. However, failing the competition turns out to be one of my greatest blesses. The experience helps me notice that no matter what I do, dad always says "I have a feeling that you will win" and mom always says "whatever will be, will be". It shows me my truest friends, who stick with me in my hardest time and who don't mind if sometimes I rather study at home than go out with them. The bad fall let me know that I was stronger than I thought, and its influence may compel me to be a wiser gambler the next time I take risks. I do learn that life is unpredictable and that's why I transferred to a top-ranked school just one year later. Life is also so short that there's no point in wasting my time on trivial things like: worry, hatred or sorrow. And if I ever had such dream of making this world a better place, I should do it now...
_ Tam, what are you doing? It's raining already! Let's run!
_You're right, let's run!
Rain was pouring down so hard while the hiss was getting louder. Rain made everything more obscure but the flashes of lightning shed enough light for us to see our swampy and muddy way. There were puddles and there were stones but we kept running, and I ran fast...
Everywhere was the fierce rustle of trees dazed by gusts of wind.
I could hear the fierce rustle of trees everywhere.
Suddenly, A tremendous fork of lighting struck the sky and a crash of thunder exploded in an attempt to quiet everything.
What madecaused it, I don't know, perhaps it was the viciousness of the incoming storm or the smallness of the human scene, or both, but at that moment, anger, hatred, jealousy, and/virtually all the things that had been tortured people forever became meaningless. And some of our daily distress, about failure-success, or future-past became so trivial...
I wouldn't talk about people, this essay isn't about mankind - its about you
How could this happen to me?
Your verb tenses are inconsistant in your third paragraph. I advise you to keep it in the present and not talk about yourself in third person; it highly impersonalizes your essay.
[i]And I believed in myself, too. Paragraph should start here At the age of fifteen, I never think ofcontemplated my failure noror (rule of thumb: don't use nor without neither)could I believed in it. When a girl as ambitious as I wasI heard someone saidsay that sheI could be among 20 Vietnamese students to get the full scholarship to study in Singapore Chinese Girl's School, one of top-5 high schools in Singapore, she would believe inI believed it. [i]
her mind was still on the real competition 4 months later.
What competition?
I can tell you're a good writer. However, your essay is a little hard to follow... I'm not sure exactly what happened. Realize that admission officers only spend a few minutes reading your essay. Make your point straightforward! I really don't see how the beginning of your essay ties into your overall theme.. Which might also be because I'm not sure what your overall theme is... Tell me what are you trying to say, what's your storyline? Maybe then I could help you more.
Could you look over mine?
Thanks!
Thank you so much for your comment! They are really helpful and some of them are just what i've been wondering about changing! I will change those mistakes about my essay now!
About the storyline and theme, i really want to read some more comments to see if it's that hard for people to follow my essay, then i will tell you what i was trying to say.
Once again, your comments are very helpful!
I will sure have a look over your essay!
Anymore comments?
Wow, you don't need my help; you write better than I do already!
Use a comma for compound sentences:
A tremendous fork of lighting struck the sky, and a crash of thunder exploded in an attempt to quiet everything.
What's up with all the dots (ellipsis) at the start of paragraphs?
The bad fall let me know that I was stronger than I thought, and its influence may compel me to be a wiser gambler the next time I take risks.
OMG! I thank you so much for your comments! I'm very grateful that you understand what i was trying to express in my essay!
After i read the first comments, i do change my essay a lot to help people understand what i'm trying to say! Now i really dont know what to do actually!
Should i keep this essay and submit it? Is it risky?
I guess you have t let your intuition guide you. Go with what feels right. Maybe you should write a preface to the essay -- a little paragraph expressing your concern that it may be too abstract. That would cause you to make a unique impression! But some people would advise you not to...
You have to go with your intuition! :-) Everything will work out well.
Yeah, I thank you so much for your comments. I just wrote my essay again to make it less abstract and more easy to follow and feel. Please give me some more of your comments.
It's a passionate essay! And you are a passionate person who can control your faith!
I am moved by your work...thanks~!
incomprehensible excitement sounds like excitement that confuses you. Maybe you mean indescribable excitement.
I stepped back, experiencing a mixture of awe, fear, and some incomprehensible excitement.
Let's not start any sentences with ... or ___
I really like this version!!! You should end some sentences with ... but do not start them that way. That is my opinion. Just remove those symbols from the start of sentences.
My dear,
Personally, I like other essays of yours better, but this one is okay.
here are some comments ( just my opinion):
1. As a friend, I do agree that your characters are successfully shown here: ambitious, risky, a bit crazy and intelligent.
2. The introduction part is long. The paragraph that you describe the feeling as you witness the scene. It somehow does not much connect to the rest of your essay. I mean, why don't you link your feeling as you stand at the stop of mountain( the fear and stun? ) to your emotion when you receive the result? As VAer always said: Show not tell. The series of questions is not so much relevant. I prefer adjectives to questions.
3. One more point is the length. Shouldn't it be more concise? If you fix your 2 first paragraphs, think it will be okay.
4. Nothing can gain without effort, except for genius I mean. It would be great if you show a little of your hard work when you study for the competition and getting into one of the top-ranked high school? It does not only depend on the fate, the luck and belief, right?
5. I do love the way you use words and structure =D, always is my favorite part! lol
Hope it helps!
Nelly.
Thank you guys for giving me comments!
@ Kevin: I am so happy that you like my new version.
By saying incomprehensible excitement, I mean the feeling that i don't even know why it could possibly happen to me there. Though i'm not sure if this is the right word to use but "indescribably" may be not really my intention. I thank you for your suggestion
I will fix all the symbol. I see it irrelevant now.
@ Nelly: Thank you for compliment on my word usage and structure.
That's the problem. Many people don't seem to know what is the connection between the scene in the mountain and the rest of my essay. I have to say that it have connection, at least in my intention and the fear when i receive the result and the fear at the mountain are not supposed to have anything to do with each other.
I guess when you're talking about my series of question, you mention the part when i'm talking to myself. Can you please explain to me why do you think it's not relevant?
I will sure consider your other advise.
I know this may be asking too much but can you Kevin and people tell me how do you understand my title: "I ran fast"?
I know i should trust my intuition but the way my friends don't get my essay really make me wonder if there is anyone who can totally know what i'm trying to convey in my essay.
Can you please tell me just what you feel and understand my essay and its title?
I really appreciate it! Thank you guys so much in advance!
The title is captivating, because it makes me wonder, what is the significance of telling me this?
In order to better convey your meaning, I suggest lengthening the second paragraph and using it to stop being so abstract, just for a few sentences, and tell the reader about the meaning of this story and how it is related to your intended major. After that, go back to the story.
I thank you Kevin. I will work on the abstraction of my essay.
