Posts by HarryK

HarryK

Aug 2, 2009

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]

Topic: Many people leave the countryside for the greater opportunities which are offered by cities. This move, is not without disadvantages for both people and the environment.

What are some benefits and drawbacks of urbanisation?

As the industries of the world are growing fast, urbanisation is proceeding so rapidly that it is generating largely unpredicted problems one hundred years ago. Although, of course, there can be some benefits like more employment and economic benefits, there are also bad effects like polluting our environments as lots of factories are built on the new areas following the urbanisation.

During the process of clearing out natural habitats as the first phase of the urbanisation, destroying an ecosystem existing on those areas is inevitable. Though governments are ocasionally keep them in its original condition for the image ofthe town when the habitats are small in size, normally, most of the living creatures in the areas are getting extincted. Nevertheless, this tragedy is happening even now for people's well-being itself.

A wide range of employment are offered in return. Many factories are built on the areas since economical benefit was the sole purpose of the urbanisation from the beginning, which will benefit to local economy, which goes to the wealth of government. Then the government find another place to develope.

While the country is becoming wealthy economically, it is also becoming poor environmentlly as a result of the exploiting. Toxic gases and severly polluted water from the factory will bring air, water pollution, which will eventually lead to the low quality of life.

Even though there was positive effects such as the increase of employment, urbanisation brought serious harmful effects on our environment. It seemed like we are improving our quality of life at the cost of destruction of ecosystem, was actually setting back in a long term. It is advisable for the nations to care more about the environment and to be critic on government's absurd decision.

I'm student who is preparing IELTS exam.
I know this essay has many problems, but as I don't have a personal tutor to correct mine I decided to try here. I've been practicing writing for 2months by myself ever since I arrived here Australia, but my english skill seems not improving at all.

I want to see as many samples as I can but I can't find the essay which is suitable for my purpose(about250words,formal,like this essay;;),so I'll be very appreciated if you let me know any good website or any book that has many samples.

thanks

HarryK

Aug 3, 2009

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]

Thanks you all for the feedbacks, Simone, Liebe, notoman.
First, I'm sorry for not asking you for corrections, perhaps,some part of me, I might not expect someone would correct my mistakes with such a effort, thanks again for that.

And I'm sorry for the late reply since America and Ausrtalia's are in different time zone and my school is keeping me very busy.

I know I'm not ready for the writing but, since my parents pouring money on my english course for the university entrance, I want to pass the english course as soon as I can, so I must write something even if that has many problems^^;;

I looked through your replies throughly which were exactly I was looking for.

Simone) [could not have been predicted one hundred years ago]
sorry, I don't quite understand why you used present perfect in this sentence. How can we not predict problems which we are already facing now.

I'm not sure if I'm being rude quetioning back like this, but you should know I focused only on my grammatical problem. As I haven't even talked to foreigner before I arrive here so I don't know about your culture, so I apology in advence. Please teach me if you feel I'm being rude cause I really don't know. If there's anything you want to say as advise, please^^

Liebe) yes the IELTs test only look for the english fluency and granmatical mistakes besides ideas unless the stream goes completly wrong.

I only wrote sentences complexly because I don't know how to shorten the sentences with short of my vocab and idiom background which I'm learning seperatly.

you erased 'of course' at first, was that awkward for you to read or just completly wrong to use?

[it's environment suffers as a result of the exploitation.]
how can two verbs are in one sentence?

[this is done at the cost of the environment]
I don't understand this sentence T.T

Notoman) First, I gotta say you surprised me with such detail explanation. Anybody would believe if you say you're an official english teature, and your nitpicking is always welcome,bytheway.

[urbanisation is proceeding so rapidly that it is generating largely unpredicted problems ]
my original sentence just finish like this, but my english teacher doesn't like this and said if I want to use this sentence, I have to insert 'one hundred years ago', so I just put that at last of the sentence;;

-second paragraph of yours-
[I did want to point out that environment is almost always singular in English]
In this sentence, you put in 'did' even though there is an another verb. Is additional 'did' implies explanation why you mentioned the sentences which Liebe already mentioned? I learned it is only used as emphasis purposes.

I'm still not sure why I was wrong to use 'new area'in the second of HarryK box.
In urbanisation, government clears out nasty suburb, then there's big empty space as you referred, and I explained 'new area' with where the factories will built on?

Like you mentioned I'm having a problem with discerning nuances in vocab, and my concept of each vocab is very vague, so I was starting to see english-english dictionary,not korean-english dic, but thanks for the advice^^.

I well listened your adj lecture, thank you.

-seventh paragraph of yours- at the last sentence,, [increase the government's wealth through taxes collected] can you just shorten like this? I mean,,
I know the meaning is [increase the government's wealth through taxes which is collected by nation] , but I don't understand how it works, I mean,, is that enough? just past tense of verb you wanna explain? or collected is necessary in this sentence;can't be ommited? is this rule can be applied in every sentence?

I really don't like bothering someone with such a miscellaneous question like this allthemore I preffer study alone, but I sometimes can't find answer easily even in broadness of internet. and you should know I really appreciate the help even it is from the online.(I was pondering if the online is correct or just online is correct)

[The only thing I would do is omit~~ ]
[The only thing I'm doing is omit~~ ]
[The only thing I will do is omit~~ ]

can you tell me the differences? I can't discern the nuances.Can I use
the lest two sentences instead of what you used in the 8th paragraph of yours?

-in the last second of HarryK box-
Should it be it seems(not it seemed) in academic essay-not especially IELTS writing?

-last paragraph of yours-
[We would also say to be critical of instead of to be critic on]
I really can't understand the structure as well as meaning.

You've been really helpful, and I think you deserve english teacher in your community and peaple will love it. It is natural that you can't explain grammatically some expressions you just use.When it comes to that case, the most helpful solution would be getting as many examples as possible in the learners view, I think.

Althogh there's numorous quetions left, I gotta get going as the time is 3am here;It took a lot for me to review all of your replies;;

Thanks again for everything / God bless you.

------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------------------
I didnt' see you posting , Sean. thanks for the reply(that means I was reviewing this for over 4hours ;;)

Notoman))My native language is Korean(not Norh korea - peaple always asking me that,,). I never wrote essay in english before I came here thanks to the Korean enducation, maybe that's why my reading score is 7.5 ,but writing score is 4 .

listening score is 7, speaking score is 4.

I'm always afraid to use article because everytime I use, I'm not sure if i'm using it in a right way.

I really wanna broad english one by one but my english mid-test is on this thursday(writing essay-topic is related to environment), and I don't have time for that T.T .

thanks for your additional explinations! I really gotta go sleep ^^

cheers.

HarryK

Aug 4, 2009

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]

Thank you Notoman, Sean, it definitely quenched my curiousity^^

I'll practice hard, and thanks for the website !!

cheers.

HarryK

Aug 4, 2009

Writing Feedback / Benefits and drawbacks of urbanization. Better life for older in the countryside [8]

[environmental problem is facing a baptism of life.]
I don't understand why you used 'baptism' here.

HarryK

Aug 25, 2009

Writing Feedback / Benefits and drawbacks of urbanization. Better life for older in the countryside [8]

You should focus on the vocabs like simone said

HarryK

Aug 25, 2009

Writing Feedback / esssay -global warming&natural disasters [8]

Research essay
TOPIC
Many nations are becoming increasingly alarmed at the increase of environmental damage. Discuss the causes and effects of this issue with reference to TWO of the following topics.

-global warming
-poor farming practices
-natural disasters
high populations
-any other areas

I chose global warming and natural disasters.

We are living in the world where almost every part is polluted. Humans and animals are suffering from the effect of polluted planet. When we look at this into more closely, ironically, we find that the consequence is led by the very us. With a process developing industries, we allowed tons of greenhouse gases release into the air, which are leading to the increasement of temperature in the planet, attributing to the natural disasters as well.

The processes of burning fuels are aggravating the global warning. To develop industry for the better standard of living, the process of burning fuels are inevitable considering there are no other alternative sources except coal and petroleum at the moment. Carbon dioxides, the main culprit of global warming, are exhausted from various places and vehicles such as power plants, buildings, cars, and planes. Emission of methane, which are about 60times more effective than carbon dioxide in trapping the heat inside of our planet, emitted from livestock is also partly, but not least, contributing to the global warming. That is to say developing economically alternative resources and focusing on cutting down the above two main greenhouse gases is impending.

The consequence of the global warming is serious than general recognition. Noticeably, the process of melting down glacial is speeding up as temperature of the earth keep rising, which goes directly to the raised sea level. Experts say that even a small rise of the sea level will result in wiping out the whole nations and their culture that have existed for thousands of years (Jonathan Overpeck, 2009, 08, 25). The rise of temperature on the planet also results in extending the range of mosquitoes that spread malaria, which would also annihilate the whole nations of developing countries, not to mention the poor ones. Thus, while some are blessed with industries, others are suffering from the leftovers on the other side of the earth.

Then natural disaster follows in various forms. The heated earth leaves dreadful droughts and aggravates desertification, and even provokes tsunami more often, which results in broad range of famine and disease (David Roberts, 2009, 08, 25). In addition, Limnic eruptions, in which carbon dioxide suddenly erupts from deep lake water, are occurred more often than usual since slight increase in temperature would easily trigger the eruption, suffocating human, wildlife, and livestock.

At the same time, the natural disaster caused by greenhouse effect have brought bad effects on the economy. According to the department of energy in USA, investing 1 million dollar to spur biofuels industry ended up as 4% of increasement in the price of corns (Department of Energy, 2009, 08, 25). What's more, Longer summers have led to an increase in the allergy season and increased health care costs for asthma and allergy sufferers. Therefore, at this angle, it can be said that the efforts trying to go ahead in economy rather drew back in some level.

In a nutshell, humans are bringing about the consequences from which humans itself suffer. In the long term, burning off fuels in trying to grow up the industry for the better economy are merely strangling us by raising the price of the corns, provoking wide range of natural disasters and polluting our very planet. Even though it's not early stage to prevent some natural disaster given the fact that the earth have already shown the strange symptoms of global warming, we are to continue to endeavor in seeking for alternative resources and should try to start in posing environmental issues before economy's.

Any correction or commenting would be appreciated. Due to my shortness of knowledge in english, my sentences tends to be long in length. If you have anysuggestion on this, that would be also very welcome

thank you.

HarryK

Aug 25, 2009

Writing Feedback / esssay -global warming&natural disasters [8]

Thanks both tsp8487 and sean.
obviously I need more research, and have to have more clear view on this.
thank you.
Is there any grammer mistake in this essay?

HarryK

Sep 4, 2009

Writing Feedback / esssay -global warming&natural disasters [8]

Thanks for the advices ^^