Posts by sarahstu

sarahstu

Aug 9, 2009

Writing Feedback / Personal Essay - Travels; I have inherited my mother's wanderlust [4]

This is one of my personal essay's...please critique! Thank you!

It seems I have inherited my mother's wanderlust. I love experiencing the magic and draw of various cultures, each with its own flavor and distinctions which seizes my inner soul and settles my heart. I feel at home when I travel. Lucky for me, I was born into a military family; travel was mandatory.

Children of the military personnel endure unique challenges, and I am lucky enough to be one of them. It creates wisdom beyond the year, a knowing person inside. Traveling from place to place, meeting my dad at fascinating Naval ports throughout the world only to wave goodbye to him as he sailed away on his Navy carrier. This nomadic life has been both the best and worst experience of my life. Never staying in one place long enough, making friends became an art to be mastered, as they would soon only be memories pasted into a photo album.

Living overseas, I was able to absorb the varied cultures - not just taste them. By the age of twelve, I could hail a cab in London, catch a train in any country, order a meal in any language, and navigate any city/town due to my military upbringing and the real-life education it has afforded me. I can be summed up by Henry David Thoreau's famous quote- "I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.."

What others only observe in movies and books are realities and memories for me. From Italy to India and all those in between, each culture has brought a new understanding and awareness of both the differences and similarities of each society. While I have experienced so many countries with diverse cultures in the world, I feel that I am not done yet. Entering A&M, I look forward to new explorations and discoveries I want to immerse myself into the University "sucking out all the marrow" it has to offer - from student organizations, intramural sports, time honored traditions, and the best quality of education available; I want to show my love for this diverse and varied world with the students and professors on campus.

sarahstu

Aug 9, 2009

Undergraduate / "Core values" - FSU essay. good? bad? [4]

I am applying to FSU and also have to write the same essay!

I think you're on the right track with ideas for each of the values. Are you going to write about Mores? The paragraph regarding Artes is good, however a little all over the place. I think you should bullet point all the ideas and combine them with a little more structure and organization. You want to make sure you have all your ideas and then carefully put sentences together so it all makes sense as a whole, not just in parts.

- like the comment said above, you should reach deeper into the meaning.

- Instead of saying "different lifestyle" when describing living on the beach, say something along the lines of " a particular lifestyle".

sarahstu

Aug 9, 2009

Undergraduate / Describe a setback. How you resolved it. How it effected you. [11]

I am also applying to Michigan and doing the same essay, so I thought it would be good to read this! It is very well structured and organized, it keeps the reader going and that is exactly the kind of writing that people look for. You have very good vocabulary and writing skill, good work and good luck!

sarahstu

Aug 9, 2009

Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced [9]

I feel like this is my story, but I need more of that extra something, so it really reaches out to the reader. After all, this is a very important part of my life that will effect my forever. So please share your comments and give feedback, thank you!

When I was just fourteen years old, my best friend died in the MS 180 charity bike ride to Myrtle Beach. It was the hardest challenge I have ever had to face so far in my life. Being grew difficult for me throughout the year as I tried my hardest to keep up with classes and workload. However, as it has been almost three years since Rachel passed away, fullest, and channelling my feelings and emotions into doing something for the for the community.

Struggling to balance out my studies ad sports, Rachel leaving this Earth did not make anything much easier. While during my freshman year my grades were suddenly dropping, I had to force myself to realize that everything happens for a reason. Replaying the last time I saw Rachel in my head over and over. Since the accident, I have been working hard to help raise money for the Rachel Giblin Scholarship fund that my school had provided. Between selling t-shirts, wristbands, and coke-floats, the awareness of Rachel's Scholarship fund spread. Approaching senior year, our class has decided to try and tried to make it a big year for raising money, as we would want the future students to recognize Rachel and continue supporting the fundraisers that we have done every year.

I do not think that I will ever encounter such a setback in my life as I did when Rachel died. I now can fully experience the saying, "You don't know what you've lost until it's gone." While I do have a great group of friends and a few best friends, I will never meet anyone like Rachel ever again. The bond that she and I shared was unique. Rachel did not care what others thought, and she Rachel was not the most popular girl in school, but I honoured to wasn't afraid to have a friend outside of my other group of friends, I was honoured. Rachel taught me that I could reach outside my boundaries, and have fun with all of the amazing things I am privileged to have in my life. Not only did Rachel leave me with great morals to follow, but her death has also allowed me to become a stronger person. Dealing with the pain that strikes me everyday knowing that my best friend is no longer here, I believe that I can push through any other sort of hardship that comes. I will always remember that everything happens for a reason, and Rachel died for not only her family and the community, but for me.

sarahstu

Aug 11, 2009

Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced [9]

Thank you for the feedback!
This is the prompt and a little revision of my paper. I added a small paragraph that I think could be beneficial...

Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react? (around 500 words)

(I have around 550)

When I was just fourteen years old, my best friend died in the MS 180 charity bike ride to Myrtle Beach. After a long day at my Serve for the Cure volleyball tournament, the news I received when I returned home made my stomach lurch and my heart drop. As it was only our freshman year in high school, her death grew difficult for me throughout the year. Everyday I would think the last time I saw her, passing her by before practice, making a funny face through the glass doors; If I only knew that was the last smile I would ever see again. However, as it has been almost three years since Rachel passed away, I have been capable of building my strength back up to the fullest, and channeling my emotions into benefitting for the community.

Through the past few years, struggling to balance out my studies and sports, Rachel leaving this Earth did not make anything much easier. While my grades were suddenly dropping, I had to force myself to realize that everything happens for a reason. Replaying images of our time together in my head, I began to notice an imperative lesson: I need to maintain a more positive energy because the sadness can be contagious. Since the accident, I have been working hard to help raise money for the Rachel Giblin Scholarship fund that my school had provided. Between selling t-shirts, wristbands, and coke-floats, the awareness of Rachel's Scholarship fund gradually spread. Approaching senior year, our class has tried to make it a big year for raising money, as we would want the future students to recognize Rachel and continue supporting the fundraisers.

Just recently, another friend of mine tragically died after a head injury, and I feel myself experiencing some of the same feelings I felt when Rachel died almost three years ago. However, with a sudden death already in my previous history, I feel prepared for dealing with Will's death. Recollecting on Rachel's death, I know that I can lend out a hand to Will's sister and other friends, knowing how to handle it. It shows me how every second should be taken for granted, and that I should be so thankful for the life I live everyday.

I do not think that I will ever encounter such a setback in my life as I did when Rachel died. I now can fully comprehend the saying, "You don't know what you've lost until it's gone." While I do have a great group of friends and a few best friends, I will never meet anyone like Rachel again. Rachel was not the most popular girl in school, but I wasn't afraid to have a friend outside of my other group of friends, I was honoured to have a friend outside of my other group of friends. Rachel taught me that I could reach outside my boundaries, and have fun with all of the amazing things that I am privileged to have in my life. Not only did Rachel leave me with great morals to follow, but also her death has made me become a stronger person. Dealing with the pain that my best friend is no longer here, I believe that I can push through any other hardship that I will face and help others through their similar experiences, like Will's family and friends. I will always remember that everything happens for a reason, and that Rachel died for not only her family and the community, but also for me.