Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 9

Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced


sarahstu 2 / 3  
Aug 9, 2009   #1
I feel like this is my story, but I need more of that extra something, so it really reaches out to the reader. After all, this is a very important part of my life that will effect my forever. So please share your comments and give feedback, thank you!

When I was just fourteen years old, my best friend died in the MS 180 charity bike ride to Myrtle Beach. It was the hardest challenge I have ever had to face so far in my life. Being grew difficult for me throughout the year as I tried my hardest to keep up with classes and workload. However, as it has been almost three years since Rachel passed away, fullest, and channelling my feelings and emotions into doing something for the for the community.

Struggling to balance out my studies ad sports, Rachel leaving this Earth did not make anything much easier. While during my freshman year my grades were suddenly dropping, I had to force myself to realize that everything happens for a reason. Replaying the last time I saw Rachel in my head over and over. Since the accident, I have been working hard to help raise money for the Rachel Giblin Scholarship fund that my school had provided. Between selling t-shirts, wristbands, and coke-floats, the awareness of Rachel's Scholarship fund spread. Approaching senior year, our class has decided to try and tried to make it a big year for raising money, as we would want the future students to recognize Rachel and continue supporting the fundraisers that we have done every year.

I do not think that I will ever encounter such a setback in my life as I did when Rachel died. I now can fully experience the saying, "You don't know what you've lost until it's gone." While I do have a great group of friends and a few best friends, I will never meet anyone like Rachel ever again. The bond that she and I shared was unique. Rachel did not care what others thought, and she Rachel was not the most popular girl in school, but I honoured to wasn't afraid to have a friend outside of my other group of friends, I was honoured. Rachel taught me that I could reach outside my boundaries, and have fun with all of the amazing things I am privileged to have in my life. Not only did Rachel leave me with great morals to follow, but her death has also allowed me to become a stronger person. Dealing with the pain that strikes me everyday knowing that my best friend is no longer here, I believe that I can push through any other sort of hardship that comes. I will always remember that everything happens for a reason, and Rachel died for not only her family and the community, but for me.
limalex 2 / 5  
Aug 9, 2009   #2
I changed some wording and minor grammar issues; you can choose to accept or reject any such changes.

When I was just fourteen years old, my best friend died in the MS 180 charity bike ride to Myrtle Beach. It was the hardest challenge I have ever had to face so far in my life.BeingAs Rachel was a freshman in high school, her death grew difficult for me throughout the year as I tried my hardest to keep up with classes and workload. However, as it has been almost three years since Rachel passed away, I became capable of building my strength back up tothe fullest, and channelling my feelings and emotions into doing something for thebenefitting for the community.

Struggling to balance out my studies an d sports, Rachel leaving this Earth did not make anything much easier. While during my freshman year my grades were suddenly dropping, I had to force myself to realize that everything happens for a reason. Replaying the last time I saw Rachel in my head over and over, I began to notice an imperative lesson: I need to maintan a more positive energy becaus the sadness can be contagious. Since the accident, I have been working hard to help raise money for the Rachel Giblin Scholarship fund that my school had provided. Between selling t-shirts, wristbands, and coke-floats, the awareness of Rachel's Scholarship fund gradually spread. Approaching senior year, our class has decided to try and tried to make it a big year for raising money, as we would want the future students to recognize Rachel and continue supporting the fundraisers that we have done every year .

I do not think that I will ever encounter such a setback in my life as I did when Rachel died. I now can fully experiencecomprehend the saying, "You don't know what you've lost until it's gone." While I do have a great group of friends and a few best friends, I will never meet anyone like Rachel ever again. The bond that she and I shared was unique.Rachel did not care what others thought, and she Rachel was not the most popular girl in school, but I honoured to wasn't afraid to have a friend outside of my other group of friends, I was honoured . Rachel taught me that I could reach outside my boundaries, and have fun with all of the amazing things I am privileged to have in my life. Not only did Rachel leave me with great morals to follow, but also her death has alsoallowedmade me to become a stronger person. Dealing with the pain that strikes me everyday knowing that my best friend is no longer here, I believe that I can push through any other sort of hardship that comesI will face . By the death of my best friend, I will always remember that everything happens for a reason, and that Rachel died for not only her family and the community, but also for me.

Not bad. You did a good job at coneying your lesson learned from your friend's death and by reading this,I could easly follow how significant Rachel was to you and how you overcame that misery. However, I think this can be a far better essay with some changes.

Here are my suggestions:
1. The intro sounds very dull and blurry. That is where you have the biggest chance to induce your readers to desire to read more. So maybe describe one of the most significant scenes about Rachel or moments you shared with her.

ex)If you can describe how utterly despondent and shocked you were when you heard from somebody that Rachel has passed away.

2. Elaborate more on HOW you got to learn that lesson. I think you did a good job at learning an important lesson after experiencin such a critically appalling event of your life. But, maybe demonstrate more about the process of you going through that misery and learning the lesson.

Otherwise, this is not bad at all. Your experience certainly seems to have had a great impact in your life and ,like I said, this can be much better after some detailed revisions.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 9, 2009   #3
What? That's your intro? I would talk about the you BEFORE rachel died and THEN talk about how your life got flipped over.

I do not think that I will ever encounter such a setback in my life as I did when Rachel died.

Useless sentence.

Rachel leaving this Earth did not make anything much easier.

were things hard before? Was rachel there to help you?

Maybe what can make your essay better is describing an instance where rachel helped you in an intense situation and not that she's gone you need to deal with such things yourself. I don't know, it's your essay. I seriously do not think you should start with her dying cause honestly you don't give us a reason to care.

I will never meet anyone like Rachel ever again.

Maybe you will. Empty statement nonetheless
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 9, 2009   #4
What? That's your intro?

I like it that the intro goes right to the heart of the trauma, hitting the reader as surprisingly as the death surely hit the writer. However, I become confused in the second paragraph, not understanding the timeline.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 10, 2009   #5
It was the hardest challenge I have ever had to face so far in my life.

^Well, I am in the second line of your introductory paragraph. Does the hardest challenge refer to your best friend's death, or the charity bike ride. I guess this can prompt interest, however it's lack of clarity does not necessarily mean it will work favorably. After having read your essay, I understood that it is your best friend's death. Make this clear.

What? That's your intro? I would talk about the you BEFORE rachel died and THEN talk about how your life got flipped over.

^In my opinion, it is a perfectly fine introduction and did not need to be questioned like that. You get straight to the point, rather than bore us with a description of yourself that prepares us in advance to realize that this is going to be a 'look at me before, look how I have changed' type of essay which tends to be quite lame. This is your introduction here. By immediately presenting your readers with something as shocking as death, you can cling your reader's and therefore the Admissions Committee's interest. If you could actually revise your opening sentences to make them even more powerful, you should be able to engage your reader's interest much more effectively! Its fine as it is, but theres no reason to seek continual improvement if there is the opportunity to do so :)

Also
Simone pretty much expressed why this is a good way to start your essay.

In reference to somebody else's opinion on the introduction.

1. The intro sounds very dull and blurry. That is where you have the biggest chance to induce your readers to desire to read more. So maybe describe one of the most significant scenes about Rachel or moments you shared with her.
ex)If you can describe how utterly despondent and shocked you were when you heard from somebody that Rachel has passed away.

It is not dull at all because the writer here immediately goes straight to the point. Quite frankly, she is cutting out all of the unnnecessary stuff that most people would have done with this type of essay, which also includes describing a 'significant scene about Rachel'. Why on earth, would the writer want to do that in the opening paragraph. That pretty much sets up the readers to have the 'O dear, its going to be one of those I miss my friend so much and its going to teach me something' type of essays.

From what I can see, both of the comments are directed at going with a common type of approach. I commend Sarah for not having done this, because it makes this essay more original. Also, the introduction is perfectly f

I don't know, it's your essay. I seriously do not think you should start with her dying cause honestly you don't give us a reason to care.

[quote=Llamapoop123]I seriously do not think you should start with her dying cause honestly you don't give us a reason to care.

^Actually she should. Since when did people have to be given a reason to care that someone who was close to someone has died. From the introduction alone, readers can easily empathize Sarah's situation. Just remember, when the Admissions Commitee are reading these essays, they are not looking to find faults and everything. They are looking to be impressed, to be captivated etc. (Naturally, obvious errors and unclarity will fail to do these things)

That being said, the Admissions Commitee are not robots. They too have emotions and have levels of sensitivity. When they read this essay, they will not think 'There is no reason to care. Therefore, we shall not care.'

I think that Sarah has started this essay very well. She gets straight to the point, so readers know what she is going to write about. They know from the start that this is going to be a sensitive and personal essay. All of this is done, by mentioning that this essay is about a friend's death in the opening lines.

Maybe you will. Empty statement nonetheless

^I fail to see how it is an empty statement at all. Sarah has said that she will never meet a person like Rachel again. That is deeply personal, and perhaps Sarah thinks that this is the case. Since when has one person been identical to another? So, 'maybe you will' is quite invalid here.

Sarah dear, I do suggest that you revise your essay in terms of grammar. It seems to be a fine essay in my opinion. Is there a word limit? Also, what is the essay question?

Fix the essay, and post a revised version here. Hopefully members of this site can work to making it stronger. However, we do need to see if the essay question and if you can tell us the word limit, we can see which parts can be omitted, what can be added etc.

x
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 10, 2009   #6
I'm mistaken then. I think that all "my friend died" "my family friend" suicided" stories never move me, I always end up bored. I guess I'm just a rock. :]
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 11, 2009   #7
I'm mistaken then.

I never said that you made a mistake. We members on this site dont give corrections, we give suggestions. In this case, I just rebuked your suggestions

I think that all "my friend died" "my family friend" suicided" stories never move me, I always end up bored. I guess I'm just a rock. :]

^Thats fine. However if the general concept bores you, it is pretty much a given that your lack of interest in this subject will affect the quality of your suggestion.

*Joke: You could mention how you are 'a rock' in your admission essay. It provides a sense of character.
OP sarahstu 2 / 3  
Aug 11, 2009   #8
Thank you for the feedback!
This is the prompt and a little revision of my paper. I added a small paragraph that I think could be beneficial...

Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react? (around 500 words)

(I have around 550)

When I was just fourteen years old, my best friend died in the MS 180 charity bike ride to Myrtle Beach. After a long day at my Serve for the Cure volleyball tournament, the news I received when I returned home made my stomach lurch and my heart drop. As it was only our freshman year in high school, her death grew difficult for me throughout the year. Everyday I would think the last time I saw her, passing her by before practice, making a funny face through the glass doors; If I only knew that was the last smile I would ever see again. However, as it has been almost three years since Rachel passed away, I have been capable of building my strength back up to the fullest, and channeling my emotions into benefitting for the community.

Through the past few years, struggling to balance out my studies and sports, Rachel leaving this Earth did not make anything much easier. While my grades were suddenly dropping, I had to force myself to realize that everything happens for a reason. Replaying images of our time together in my head, I began to notice an imperative lesson: I need to maintain a more positive energy because the sadness can be contagious. Since the accident, I have been working hard to help raise money for the Rachel Giblin Scholarship fund that my school had provided. Between selling t-shirts, wristbands, and coke-floats, the awareness of Rachel's Scholarship fund gradually spread. Approaching senior year, our class has tried to make it a big year for raising money, as we would want the future students to recognize Rachel and continue supporting the fundraisers.

Just recently, another friend of mine tragically died after a head injury, and I feel myself experiencing some of the same feelings I felt when Rachel died almost three years ago. However, with a sudden death already in my previous history, I feel prepared for dealing with Will's death. Recollecting on Rachel's death, I know that I can lend out a hand to Will's sister and other friends, knowing how to handle it. It shows me how every second should be taken for granted, and that I should be so thankful for the life I live everyday.

I do not think that I will ever encounter such a setback in my life as I did when Rachel died. I now can fully comprehend the saying, "You don't know what you've lost until it's gone." While I do have a great group of friends and a few best friends, I will never meet anyone like Rachel again. Rachel was not the most popular girl in school, but I wasn't afraid to have a friend outside of my other group of friends, I was honoured to have a friend outside of my other group of friends. Rachel taught me that I could reach outside my boundaries, and have fun with all of the amazing things that I am privileged to have in my life. Not only did Rachel leave me with great morals to follow, but also her death has made me become a stronger person. Dealing with the pain that my best friend is no longer here, I believe that I can push through any other hardship that I will face and help others through their similar experiences, like Will's family and friends. I will always remember that everything happens for a reason, and that Rachel died for not only her family and the community, but also for me.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 11, 2009   #9
Suggested opening:

My heart fell on the floor when I heard the news. Just home from a long day at my Serve for the Cure volleyball tournament, I picked up the telephone to hear that my best friend died in the MS 180 charity bike ride to Myrtle Beach.


Home / Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced