It was the hardest challenge I have ever had to face so far in my life.
^Well, I am in the second line of your introductory paragraph. Does the hardest challenge refer to your best friend's death, or the charity bike ride. I guess this can prompt interest, however it's lack of clarity does not necessarily mean it will work favorably. After having read your essay, I understood that it is your best friend's death. Make this clear.
What? That's your intro? I would talk about the you BEFORE rachel died and THEN talk about how your life got flipped over.
^In my opinion, it is a perfectly fine introduction and did not need to be questioned like that. You get straight to the point, rather than bore us with a description of yourself that prepares us in advance to realize that this is going to be a 'look at me before, look how I have changed' type of essay which tends to be quite lame. This is your introduction here. By immediately presenting your readers with something as shocking as death, you can cling your reader's and therefore the Admissions Committee's interest. If you could actually revise your opening sentences to make them even more powerful, you should be able to engage your reader's interest much more effectively! Its fine as it is, but theres no reason to seek continual improvement if there is the opportunity to do so :)
Also
Simone pretty much expressed why this is a good way to start your essay.
In reference to somebody else's opinion on the introduction.
1. The intro sounds very dull and blurry. That is where you have the biggest chance to induce your readers to desire to read more. So maybe describe one of the most significant scenes about Rachel or moments you shared with her.
ex)If you can describe how utterly despondent and shocked you were when you heard from somebody that Rachel has passed away.
It is not dull at all because the writer here immediately goes straight to the point. Quite frankly, she is cutting out all of the unnnecessary stuff that most people would have done with this type of essay, which also includes describing a 'significant scene about Rachel'. Why on earth, would the writer want to do that in the opening paragraph. That pretty much sets up the readers to have the 'O dear, its going to be one of those I miss my friend so much and its going to teach me something' type of essays.
From what I can see, both of the comments are directed at going with a common type of approach. I commend Sarah for not having done this, because it makes this essay more original. Also, the introduction is perfectly f
I don't know, it's your essay. I seriously do not think you should start with her dying cause honestly you don't give us a reason to care.
[quote=Llamapoop123]I seriously do not think you should start with her dying cause honestly you don't give us a reason to care.
^Actually she should. Since when did people have to be given a reason to care that someone who was close to someone has died. From the introduction alone, readers can easily empathize Sarah's situation. Just remember, when the Admissions Commitee are reading these essays, they are not looking to find faults and everything. They are looking to be impressed, to be captivated etc. (Naturally, obvious errors and unclarity will fail to do these things)
That being said, the Admissions Commitee are not robots. They too have emotions and have levels of sensitivity. When they read this essay, they will not think 'There is no reason to care. Therefore, we shall not care.'
I think that Sarah has started this essay very well. She gets straight to the point, so readers know what she is going to write about. They know from the start that this is going to be a sensitive and personal essay. All of this is done, by mentioning that this essay is about a friend's death in the opening lines.
Maybe you will. Empty statement nonetheless
^I fail to see how it is an empty statement at all. Sarah has said that she will never meet a person like Rachel again. That is deeply personal, and perhaps Sarah thinks that this is the case. Since when has one person been identical to another? So, 'maybe you will' is quite invalid here.
Sarah dear, I do suggest that you revise your essay in terms of grammar. It seems to be a fine essay in my opinion. Is there a word limit? Also, what is the essay question?
Fix the essay, and post a revised version here. Hopefully members of this site can work to making it stronger. However, we do need to see if the essay question and if you can tell us the word limit, we can see which parts can be omitted, what can be added etc.
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