Writing Feedback / Music helps people both personally and maintains the culture values of country [5]

Some of the statements are a little narrow and you do not give any support for them, e.g. you say that music is considered important by most people because it helps them "sit and relax" (are there other reasons why music may be important? How do you know that those are the main factors valued by MOST people?)

I think that the beginning of the second paragraph could make a better first one (like a general introduction to why music is important) and the first paragraph would be one of the examples to prove your point.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: Has easily-prepared-food improved the way people live? [7]


I think these two sentences are not logically connected (or connection is awkward). You are talking about "new devices" and then jump to quick-frozen food... Also, the listing of quick-frozen food might not be necessary (it's kind of obvious what a quick-frozen feed is).

This could be a less wordy way to say the same: "New devices, like microwaves, solve most of these problems by allowing people to quickly prepare Quick-frozen food, which can be bought at many supermarkets."