Hi guys, this is my very first GRE issue essay. Need your valuable feedback. Am not sure whether the content is sufficient or short. Please comment...
Thanks in advance..
TOPIC : Why music is so important to people?
Today, we people are living in a fast paced world and carrying out extremely demanding work that increases mental stress and gives very little room for relaxation. Since music helps people to sit and relax themselves, it is considered as important by most people. But the fact remains true that there few other people who do not find music so important because, either they do not find time to listen to music or they do not find it amusing.
Music has become a part of people's everyday routine. People listen to music starting right from their home to public buses, temples, shopping malls and all along the way till their workplace. Music helps people to forget and overcome the burden of their work and feel refreshed. For example, a menial worker
who spends his whole day doing the monotonous job may become bored of his job, which will eventually result in decreased productivity. But by listening to music during his work, he can keep himself afresh and do his job in a enthusiatic and better manner.Many employers realizing the importance of music that it will increase the productivity, allow their employees to listen to music while they do their work. People working in software companies can be cited as an example.
In recent times music is widely used by doctors in treating mental and physical ailments; especially by psychiatrists and cardiologists. Doctors believe that music help people to recover from certain kind of mental depression and heart diseases. Recent study by American Medical Council states that people who listen to mild flowing music for 10 minutes daily are less likely to develop a heart disease than who do not listen to music at all.
Many people feel that music is a good companion for them when they are alone, when they travel and it acts as a solace when they are sad. Also music helps keeping people united and maintaining cultural values. When the black people were oppressed in America, many of their social values were affected by the dictatorship. But the Blacks kept their music as a separate community understanding its importance - which helped them preserving some of their core cultural values.
In conclusion, since music helps people both personally and maintaining the culture values of the their country, music is loved and considered important by most people. People who do not understand the importance of music can be edified so they can also imbue and indulge in music.
I would like to see more specific examples in this essay, fleshing out some of what you say. For instance, you mention that music can help keep people united, and that black people preserved their values through music. However, you don't mention what genres were involved, or give examples of specific songs that would demonstrate this function for a specific cultural value. You might also have focused the entire essay on exploring this argument and variants on it in more detail. Music is social, and can bind people together even if they don't share a common ethnic background. It can tie people together into chosen subcultures, or unite people generationally, or even be used to reach across generational gaps. You might also have dedicated part of your essay to answering the question of why music has these effects. That is, why does music relax or excite us, or hold enough appeal to be useful as a social adhesive? This could have replaced your rather obvious observation that listening to music can be relaxing.
Some of the statements are a little narrow and you do not give any support for them, e.g. you say that music is considered important by most people because it helps them "sit and relax" (are there other reasons why music may be important? How do you know that those are the main factors valued by MOST people?)
I think that the beginning of the second paragraph could make a better first one (like a general introduction to why music is important) and the first paragraph would be one of the examples to prove your point.
For the GRE, you will need to make somewhat more sophisticated arguments and also be much more careful about grammar. I'm not sure whether your errors are due to carelessness or lack of knowledge.
For example:
Many people feel that music is a good companion for them when they are alone, when they travel and it acts as a solace when they are sad.
Are you able to see and correct the error here?
What about here?
In recent times music is widely used by doctors in treating mental and physical ailments; especially by psychiatrists and cardiologists.
Let me know, and this will tell us at what level to give you feedback.
Hi EF_Sean, GeneK, EF_Simone thank you much for your comments. I will incorporate your comments in my next essay.
@EF_Simone
What about this:
In recent times music is widely used by doctors, especially by psychiatrists and cardiologists in treating certain kinds of mental and physical ailments.
Am not very sure of what is wrong with,
>> Many people feel that music is a good companion for them when they are alone, when they travel and it acts as a solace when they are sad.
Please correct me.
