sparklingway
Sep 12, 2009
Undergraduate / UIUC Essay on extra-curricular work [5]
Thanks for your input. I'll look into the problems you pointed out
Thanks for your input. I'll look into the problems you pointed out
sparklingway
Sep 12, 2009
Undergraduate / UIUC Essay on extra-curricular work [5]
Thanks for your input. I have tried to correct the mistakes that you pointed out. I never thought about the essay being totally vague. Even after revision, I'm still unable to come up with a good finishing sentence for the essay. Help in this regard would be highly appreciated.
Essay Revision
LUMUN is Pakistan's biggest Model UN conference. Over 3000 students gather from around the country in one of the biggest student conferences of any kind in the region. I was attracted to participating in MUNs because it is a unique form of parliamentary debating, where one learns not only to hone their public speaking skills but perfect their analytical and negotiating skills as well. The experience of multilateral diplomacy and international arbitration is unique. As a delegate, one really learns about global problems and this broadens ones perspective. The idea of collaborating to develop solutions to actual international problems that can be implemented is distinctive as well. At a student conference of this scale, meeting other people from around the country is a valuable experience one remembers forever.
Participating in my first ever MUN, I was nervous and did extensive research on the two agendas at hand, the first being "International Human Trafficking" and the other "Nuclear Waste Disposal". As the committee sessions progressed, I realized that my research allowed me to be an effective diplomat and be factually and logically argumentative with other delegates. Time and again I was able to cite parliamentary resolutions, acts and ordinances that my country had adopted and references to international conventions and historical events to substantiate my point and rebut the opposition's arguments as well. The extensive research allowed me to refer to UN resolutions and the status of their ratification in other countries to provide the committee the legal status of the problems. I was the first and only delegate to present a working paper and later the author of the committee's draft resolution which was unanimously adopted. Participating effectively and winning the title of the Best Delegate at such a big and auspicious conference was a worthy experience for me.
Thanks for your input. I have tried to correct the mistakes that you pointed out. I never thought about the essay being totally vague. Even after revision, I'm still unable to come up with a good finishing sentence for the essay. Help in this regard would be highly appreciated.
Essay Revision
LUMUN is Pakistan's biggest Model UN conference. Over 3000 students gather from around the country in one of the biggest student conferences of any kind in the region. I was attracted to participating in MUNs because it is a unique form of parliamentary debating, where one learns not only to hone their public speaking skills but perfect their analytical and negotiating skills as well. The experience of multilateral diplomacy and international arbitration is unique. As a delegate, one really learns about global problems and this broadens ones perspective. The idea of collaborating to develop solutions to actual international problems that can be implemented is distinctive as well. At a student conference of this scale, meeting other people from around the country is a valuable experience one remembers forever.
Participating in my first ever MUN, I was nervous and did extensive research on the two agendas at hand, the first being "International Human Trafficking" and the other "Nuclear Waste Disposal". As the committee sessions progressed, I realized that my research allowed me to be an effective diplomat and be factually and logically argumentative with other delegates. Time and again I was able to cite parliamentary resolutions, acts and ordinances that my country had adopted and references to international conventions and historical events to substantiate my point and rebut the opposition's arguments as well. The extensive research allowed me to refer to UN resolutions and the status of their ratification in other countries to provide the committee the legal status of the problems. I was the first and only delegate to present a working paper and later the author of the committee's draft resolution which was unanimously adopted. Participating effectively and winning the title of the Best Delegate at such a big and auspicious conference was a worthy experience for me.
sparklingway
Sep 12, 2009
Undergraduate / UIUC Essay on extra-curricular work [5]
Any input on the essay would be really helpful
In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
LUMUN is Pakistan's biggest Model UN conference. Over 3000 students gather from around the country in one of the biggest student conferences of any kind in the region. I was attracted to participating in MUNs because it is a unique form of parliamentary debating, where one learns not only to hone their public speaking skills but perfect their analytical and negotiating skills as well. The experience of multilateral diplomacy and international arbitration is unique. As a delegate, one really learns about global problems and this broadens the perspectives. The idea of collaborating to develop solutions to actual global problems that can be implemented is distinctive as well. At a student conference of this scale, meeting other people from around the country is a valuable experience as well.
Participating in my first ever MUN, I was nervous and did extensive research on the two agendas provided to be as better prepared as possible. As the committee sessions progressed, I realized that my research allowed me to be an effective diplomat and be factually and logically argumentative with other delegates. I was able to come with references to international conventions and historical events quickly to substantiate my point and rebut the opposition's arguments as well. Participating effectively and winning the title of the Best Delegate was a worthy experience for me.
When I got back to my college, I initiated the set up of the college's own MUN. The students now participate in mock sessions on a monthly basis and this practice is valuable to us when we participate in a big and auspicious conference.
Any input on the essay would be really helpful
In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
LUMUN is Pakistan's biggest Model UN conference. Over 3000 students gather from around the country in one of the biggest student conferences of any kind in the region. I was attracted to participating in MUNs because it is a unique form of parliamentary debating, where one learns not only to hone their public speaking skills but perfect their analytical and negotiating skills as well. The experience of multilateral diplomacy and international arbitration is unique. As a delegate, one really learns about global problems and this broadens the perspectives. The idea of collaborating to develop solutions to actual global problems that can be implemented is distinctive as well. At a student conference of this scale, meeting other people from around the country is a valuable experience as well.
Participating in my first ever MUN, I was nervous and did extensive research on the two agendas provided to be as better prepared as possible. As the committee sessions progressed, I realized that my research allowed me to be an effective diplomat and be factually and logically argumentative with other delegates. I was able to come with references to international conventions and historical events quickly to substantiate my point and rebut the opposition's arguments as well. Participating effectively and winning the title of the Best Delegate was a worthy experience for me.
When I got back to my college, I initiated the set up of the college's own MUN. The students now participate in mock sessions on a monthly basis and this practice is valuable to us when we participate in a big and auspicious conference.
sparklingway
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / highly zealous, energetic and motivated - UT Austin - Statement of Purpose [7]
It would be nice if I could incorporate my passion to serve the country by contributing to the development of the nation. I have failed to connect the two things in a good way though.
It would be nice if I could incorporate my passion to serve the country by contributing to the development of the nation. I have failed to connect the two things in a good way though.
sparklingway
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Who I Want To Be> Undergraduate Admissions, Personal Statement [7]
It really is a good essay overall, especially the tone of the essay. But
"Instead of reasoning with Mrs. Arc after class, I plotted to teach her a lesson"
you could revise this sentence to be a little bit less insensitive and sound a bit less evil
It really is a good essay overall, especially the tone of the essay. But
"Instead of reasoning with Mrs. Arc after class, I plotted to teach her a lesson"
you could revise this sentence to be a little bit less insensitive and sound a bit less evil
sparklingway
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Very short response to Brown supplement [8]
How will you change the world by attending Brown?
Aren't you stating a cliched statement ?
How will you change the world by attending Brown?
Aren't you stating a cliched statement ?
sparklingway
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / highly zealous, energetic and motivated - UT Austin - Statement of Purpose [7]
Thanks for your comments. I have done a major revision of the essay and changed almost everything.
Here's a revision
I remember being really sharp in mathematics since childhood. My peers always told me that I was destined to become an engineer but I never understood why. During 8th grade, my Physics professor introduced me to the school Electronics Club. This was my first experience with electronic circuitry and before joining the club the green coloured printed circuit boards, the big solenoids and the sensors all were just a fantasy to me. Over the next few months not only did he explain the basic ideas and purposes behind circuit elements, I was assigned a project to develop a water level sensor. The project gave me detailed insight to the subject but progress was hampered when somebody put a hot soldering iron into my circuit thereby destroying it. I returned to the lab to find my effort wasted but later I realized that it was just one of life's harsh lessons.
After completing my higher secondary education with a distinguished academic record, I was accepted in the top Electrical Engineering program in the country. During my freshman year at College, I was confused where the courses were heading and I seemed to have lost interest in my major. The courses seemed not to be mentally stimulating and hardly interesting. As I entered my sophomore year, the new courses were a breath of fresh air. Not only were the courses fascinating and interesting, they were inspiring enough to rejuvenate my interest in major. The lab work associated with the courses helped me understand that engineering is more than just abstract logic and I found myself deeply interested and Electrical Engineering seemed like a perfect fit for me. In order to attain crucial practical exposure, I spent the summer interning at a research institute. I was part of a team that was assigned to create a tactical combat training environment for the military. Working on such a big project gave me a new perspective on how engineers are required to develop practical solutions to huge problems. Over the past year, I have found it hard to control my desire to explore and dig deeper into the fields of Digital Signal Processing and Communication Systems.
Over the last few years, I have grown as an individual. I have been able to realize my true goals and have become much more focused in life. This conscious realization of true self has developed in me a keenness to excel and I have embarked on a journey that has taken me to new heights.
I fully understand the kind of commitment, perseverance and resolve an undergraduate program in UT Austin requires and I feel that I am ready to embark on this challenge. I am also aware that UT Austin expects very high standard from its students, yet I am confident that I possess the intellectual ability, the motivation and personal responsibility to guide me through a tough academic environment.
Thanks for your comments. I have done a major revision of the essay and changed almost everything.
Here's a revision
I remember being really sharp in mathematics since childhood. My peers always told me that I was destined to become an engineer but I never understood why. During 8th grade, my Physics professor introduced me to the school Electronics Club. This was my first experience with electronic circuitry and before joining the club the green coloured printed circuit boards, the big solenoids and the sensors all were just a fantasy to me. Over the next few months not only did he explain the basic ideas and purposes behind circuit elements, I was assigned a project to develop a water level sensor. The project gave me detailed insight to the subject but progress was hampered when somebody put a hot soldering iron into my circuit thereby destroying it. I returned to the lab to find my effort wasted but later I realized that it was just one of life's harsh lessons.
After completing my higher secondary education with a distinguished academic record, I was accepted in the top Electrical Engineering program in the country. During my freshman year at College, I was confused where the courses were heading and I seemed to have lost interest in my major. The courses seemed not to be mentally stimulating and hardly interesting. As I entered my sophomore year, the new courses were a breath of fresh air. Not only were the courses fascinating and interesting, they were inspiring enough to rejuvenate my interest in major. The lab work associated with the courses helped me understand that engineering is more than just abstract logic and I found myself deeply interested and Electrical Engineering seemed like a perfect fit for me. In order to attain crucial practical exposure, I spent the summer interning at a research institute. I was part of a team that was assigned to create a tactical combat training environment for the military. Working on such a big project gave me a new perspective on how engineers are required to develop practical solutions to huge problems. Over the past year, I have found it hard to control my desire to explore and dig deeper into the fields of Digital Signal Processing and Communication Systems.
Over the last few years, I have grown as an individual. I have been able to realize my true goals and have become much more focused in life. This conscious realization of true self has developed in me a keenness to excel and I have embarked on a journey that has taken me to new heights.
I fully understand the kind of commitment, perseverance and resolve an undergraduate program in UT Austin requires and I feel that I am ready to embark on this challenge. I am also aware that UT Austin expects very high standard from its students, yet I am confident that I possess the intellectual ability, the motivation and personal responsibility to guide me through a tough academic environment.
sparklingway
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / highly zealous, energetic and motivated - UT Austin - Statement of Purpose [7]
Now I certainly feel that I should divide the statement of purpose into something about me and the later part as a personal essay.
Thanks for your sincere effort
Now I certainly feel that I should divide the statement of purpose into something about me and the later part as a personal essay.
Thanks for your sincere effort
sparklingway
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / highly zealous, energetic and motivated - UT Austin - Statement of Purpose [7]
My Response
I am highly zealous, energetic and motivated by a resounding urge to serve my country. I believe in hard work, patriotism, personal responsibility and traditional values. I like to believe that I am an idealist and do not believe in chasing materialistic pursuits. These are some of things that define me. Over the last few years, I have grown as an individual. I have been able to realize my true goals and have become much more focused in life. This conscious realization of true self has developed in me a keenness to excel and I have embarked on a journey that has taken me to new heights.
I have always wanted to contribute to my community and bring change. An issue that I am particularly passionate about is the improvement of governance and the establishment of a representative political system in Pakistan. Inefficiency and mismanagement of the ruling elite over the past six decades has led to the destruction of the structure of governance and public services. People are deprived of basic education, health, access to justice and civic amenities. The lack of true political representation and disconnect between public concern and public policy has lead the country to a point where it faces huge economic and security challenges. The Parliament has never asserted its true power and has failed to cater to the needs of the people. Foreign agendas have guided the domestic policy for years, at the cost of domestic stability, in the pursuit of "strategic depth". This has caused a widespread disillusionment and people who have the intellectual and material resources to change the system have come to define themselves as apolitical.
This attitude stems from the incapability of corrupt politicians and crooked bureaucracy to govern, which has forced the people to not just hate the people in power, but the democratic process itself. Politicians and top level government officials have never shown the necessary leadership, sense of duty, responsibility, passion to serve and moral uprightness. The general cynicism is visible in the hatred for the very system of governance, the lack of faith in the ability of the government and the desperation to seek a paradise home outside the country, which is alarming for a country facing major crises.
The people have never asserted their true power and as they do not believe in their ability to alter the political landscape. The masses have allowed military dictators and feudal aristocrats to come, loot the national exchequer for decades and then dance away.
Today, we stand at a point in history, "where we have the chance to realign the national landscape and create a new governing ideology". Faced with major crises, we require clearly visioned long term policies, not mere hypocritical and hyperbolic calls for democracy. To re-establish public trust in the government is a tall task indeed and it requires patience and support of the people and vision of the politicians; progressive politics that focuses on the welfare of the people and supports social justice. I believe that the solution lies in the political awakening of the people of Pakistan, especially the young generation. They need to learn the rejection of individualism, and give birth to political and collective consciousness and awareness.
Please offer your honest opinions.
My Response
I am highly zealous, energetic and motivated by a resounding urge to serve my country. I believe in hard work, patriotism, personal responsibility and traditional values. I like to believe that I am an idealist and do not believe in chasing materialistic pursuits. These are some of things that define me. Over the last few years, I have grown as an individual. I have been able to realize my true goals and have become much more focused in life. This conscious realization of true self has developed in me a keenness to excel and I have embarked on a journey that has taken me to new heights.
I have always wanted to contribute to my community and bring change. An issue that I am particularly passionate about is the improvement of governance and the establishment of a representative political system in Pakistan. Inefficiency and mismanagement of the ruling elite over the past six decades has led to the destruction of the structure of governance and public services. People are deprived of basic education, health, access to justice and civic amenities. The lack of true political representation and disconnect between public concern and public policy has lead the country to a point where it faces huge economic and security challenges. The Parliament has never asserted its true power and has failed to cater to the needs of the people. Foreign agendas have guided the domestic policy for years, at the cost of domestic stability, in the pursuit of "strategic depth". This has caused a widespread disillusionment and people who have the intellectual and material resources to change the system have come to define themselves as apolitical.
This attitude stems from the incapability of corrupt politicians and crooked bureaucracy to govern, which has forced the people to not just hate the people in power, but the democratic process itself. Politicians and top level government officials have never shown the necessary leadership, sense of duty, responsibility, passion to serve and moral uprightness. The general cynicism is visible in the hatred for the very system of governance, the lack of faith in the ability of the government and the desperation to seek a paradise home outside the country, which is alarming for a country facing major crises.
The people have never asserted their true power and as they do not believe in their ability to alter the political landscape. The masses have allowed military dictators and feudal aristocrats to come, loot the national exchequer for decades and then dance away.
Today, we stand at a point in history, "where we have the chance to realign the national landscape and create a new governing ideology". Faced with major crises, we require clearly visioned long term policies, not mere hypocritical and hyperbolic calls for democracy. To re-establish public trust in the government is a tall task indeed and it requires patience and support of the people and vision of the politicians; progressive politics that focuses on the welfare of the people and supports social justice. I believe that the solution lies in the political awakening of the people of Pakistan, especially the young generation. They need to learn the rejection of individualism, and give birth to political and collective consciousness and awareness.
Please offer your honest opinions.