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UIUC Essay on extra-curricular work


sparklingway 2 / 7  
Sep 12, 2009   #1
Any input on the essay would be really helpful

In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

LUMUN is Pakistan's biggest Model UN conference. Over 3000 students gather from around the country in one of the biggest student conferences of any kind in the region. I was attracted to participating in MUNs because it is a unique form of parliamentary debating, where one learns not only to hone their public speaking skills but perfect their analytical and negotiating skills as well. The experience of multilateral diplomacy and international arbitration is unique. As a delegate, one really learns about global problems and this broadens the perspectives. The idea of collaborating to develop solutions to actual global problems that can be implemented is distinctive as well. At a student conference of this scale, meeting other people from around the country is a valuable experience as well.

Participating in my first ever MUN, I was nervous and did extensive research on the two agendas provided to be as better prepared as possible. As the committee sessions progressed, I realized that my research allowed me to be an effective diplomat and be factually and logically argumentative with other delegates. I was able to come with references to international conventions and historical events quickly to substantiate my point and rebut the opposition's arguments as well. Participating effectively and winning the title of the Best Delegate was a worthy experience for me.

When I got back to my college, I initiated the set up of the college's own MUN. The students now participate in mock sessions on a monthly basis and this practice is valuable to us when we participate in a big and auspicious conference.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 12, 2009   #2
This essay is fairly mediocre. You are too general and vague.

did extensive research on the two agendas provided

What were those agendas? How did you research them? What did you learn?

I realized that my research allowed me to be an effective diplomat and be factually and logically argumentative with other delegates.

As evidenced by . . .

I was able to come with references to international conventions and historical events quickly to substantiate my point and rebut the opposition's arguments as well.

For example, when you . . .
OP sparklingway 2 / 7  
Sep 12, 2009   #3
Thanks for your input. I have tried to correct the mistakes that you pointed out. I never thought about the essay being totally vague. Even after revision, I'm still unable to come up with a good finishing sentence for the essay. Help in this regard would be highly appreciated.

Essay Revision

LUMUN is Pakistan's biggest Model UN conference. Over 3000 students gather from around the country in one of the biggest student conferences of any kind in the region. I was attracted to participating in MUNs because it is a unique form of parliamentary debating, where one learns not only to hone their public speaking skills but perfect their analytical and negotiating skills as well. The experience of multilateral diplomacy and international arbitration is unique. As a delegate, one really learns about global problems and this broadens ones perspective. The idea of collaborating to develop solutions to actual international problems that can be implemented is distinctive as well. At a student conference of this scale, meeting other people from around the country is a valuable experience one remembers forever.

Participating in my first ever MUN, I was nervous and did extensive research on the two agendas at hand, the first being "International Human Trafficking" and the other "Nuclear Waste Disposal". As the committee sessions progressed, I realized that my research allowed me to be an effective diplomat and be factually and logically argumentative with other delegates. Time and again I was able to cite parliamentary resolutions, acts and ordinances that my country had adopted and references to international conventions and historical events to substantiate my point and rebut the opposition's arguments as well. The extensive research allowed me to refer to UN resolutions and the status of their ratification in other countries to provide the committee the legal status of the problems. I was the first and only delegate to present a working paper and later the author of the committee's draft resolution which was unanimously adopted. Participating effectively and winning the title of the Best Delegate at such a big and auspicious conference was a worthy experience for me.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Sep 12, 2009   #4
From your first paragraph alone, I still see that you are too general and vague and your mannerism of expression is very weak and limited in understanding.

where one learns not only to hone their public speaking skills but perfect their analytical and negotiating skills as well

^perfect analytical skills? That is just lame.

The experience of multilateral diplomacy and international arbitration is unique. As a delegate, one really learns about global problems and this broadens ones perspective.

^Too general. How on earth does it broaden perspective?

You need to explain yourself whenever you make bold statements.
OP sparklingway 2 / 7  
Sep 12, 2009   #5
Thanks for your input. I'll look into the problems you pointed out


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