Undergraduate / The features of nursing profession. NURSING PROGRAM ADMISSION ESSAY [5]

@clr

Chloe,
First, I would like to recommend you to visit the website or programs of this nursing college/ major. I want you to gauge all different opportunities this school provides apart from this nursing program. Then, it would be wise to instill those activities while writing this essay. For ex. a club could teach you to be respectful in individual identities or a community service would lead to nurture the lives of those in need.

Second, I can easily make corrections in your essay and believe me the ending is just a mess. Your essay suffered fluidity a lot because you didn't mixed complex and simple sentence together which in the end leads to bullet points rather a mercurial writing.

Third, your essay starts with Encouraging a working (...) health care professionals stand alone as four or five different sentences rather than an essay. Don't play with patience of your readers who constantly read your essay and find nothing. To improve the first sentences try to say all those things a bit concisely and tie it up with something like "your school/ program provides exactly this kind of environment in which I would explode( in a good way)."

Are you currently in this college and trying to transfer to a nursing major or you applying as a freshman? Also, mention the school name for which this essay is being written. I can assert you that you're a wonderful writer and with just a bit of direction your essay would be a bombshell! Plus, we can easily work in the conclusion to coat it the way admissions like it.

Undergraduate / New environment, educational system and fresh attitude. Why The New School? - International student [5]

... I realized I wasn't good at studying . Don't show your weakness. the school doesn't want people who think themselves weak. Your grammar and English are too weak, you can't frame an essay with this sort of English and expect to get in a college in US; try a private counselor or ask someone more familiar with English and pay them to write your answers.

So I did (...) ask the internet. No need to say this you already lost the admission officer in your essay who is no more interested in learning more of you.

I could move to another country, at least for four years, and try a new way of life and a new educational system. You want to move to New York and the New School because you failed in your own country and you don't have enough capability to fight that thing? I don't know what to say to a kid like you but believe me don't waste time with your essay. you're sure to be rejected even in small colleges because no one is interested to admit a failure. There is no point to tell you what should be included in this essay because you are grammatically weak and stand no chance even between the kids who fail within the US school.

Can you please tell me from what country do you belong with such awful English.
Don't waste application or SAT fee for NYC. It is extremely competitive and rich kids go there. You need to learn English at least for10 years before you even try to read the school website let alone the idea of applying. YOU DON'T STAND A Chance! NUFF said

Undergraduate / My musical journey provided me an alternate world - common app essay about music [3]

@icyasher
Firstly, your intro seems deceptive.
You said you immersed in books then suddenly began with guitar again.
For any normal person like me, it seems you're just framing this thing and actually you never left guitar. There must be a strong incident which had to take you back to the musical journey even if you're framing this whole story, whichever the case maybe. I'm not aware about the safety schools but for the top notches this doesn't do the work at least in terms of intro and conclusion. You also mentioned ......" every wall I broke..." that is the worst way to phrase the things up. I didn't read the middle paragraph which I probably think would describe again how much problems you faced or your new journey with music but again I would say it is because of your intro which made me skip to conclusion leading to much disappointment and worse scenario for college, a rejection.

Sorry for such a harsh critique but it tells you where things go wrong.

Undergraduate / Describe how you plan to pursue your academic interests at USC. [3]

@Jessica Xie
you first line is unattractive. Let me be really honest with you, for a prompt like this you have to show any past experiences or classes you liked from high school which would help you or inspire you to continue the pre-law track here at this college. it is fine that you plan to take phil courses you don't have to mention that and it is unimportant to an extent but show what previous connections with law or philosophy pushed you to college major it can be academic or extra curricular

Undergraduate / "Table No. 4: 1 Langoustine Ceviche & 2 medium-rare veal filets" extracurricular activities essay [6]

@kervin
It seems the word limit of essay is around 100-150 words. The way you started the essay is not that attention grabbing. It's good that you are trying to show through anecdotes but I feel you can do much better and start with more attractive lines. your second para is absolutely fine. Just a little advice don't try to show off with fancy or big names of restaurants rather use that space to show your feelings at that place. And of course your concluding para sounds clichéd a bit because it ends too quick. i guess that might be due to word limit but I want you to try drafting this essay a bit more differently because you are a good writer. Just keep in mind the suggestions and you'll be fine.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that home-schooling is the best method for children's development [2]

@ifraanisa05
Giving Providing the education for to children can be are divided into two perspectives:Some people think (...) others believe that children are necessary to go to school it is beneficial for ...

... that both of the ways can be advantageous give the advantages to children but in different point of aspects differently.
... problem by themselves whereas children while those at school should take the advantages gain through (...) fostered there which they will obtain there.

I tried to improve your sentences grammatically and logically in just first para. You are getting too repetitive... like saying Children again and again. Pay attention to your syntax and structure and you can edit the other para's on your own. Last tip: don't use ALL IN ALL while concluding, it is boring way to conclude a sentence try stating your opinion as you mentioned in first para with some different words and avoid To conclude or Conclusively in the end.