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Posts by DJKessler
Joined: Aug 19, 2009
Last Post: Sep 27, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  

From: United States

Displayed posts: 6
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DJKessler   
Sep 27, 2009
Undergraduate / UT Austin undergraduate transfer essay. Issue of importance: Safe Passing Bill [10]

I know I got mostly positive responses on my previous version, but I felt compelled to re-write my essay. I realized that in V1, by the end of the 1st paragraph the reader still doesn't know what my ioi is. I also felt like I was trying to tackle too much.

I think this version is much more focused and direct. My only concern is that its maybe too long. (now that's ironic)
DJKessler   
Sep 24, 2009
Undergraduate / UT Austin undergraduate transfer essay. Issue of importance: Safe Passing Bill [10]

Thanks so much for your feedback. Unfortunately I have been feeling totally conflicted about my essay. I was already feeling a little iffy, about the two paragraphs that Llamapoop123 scratched through.

After his reply I even reworked the essay, but I'm even more conflicted about that version. I have read this thing a million times. I'm afraid that the essay is not very cohesive. I talk about the politics side of the bill and the effect it has had on me, and then I make an argument for bike's right to the road. Since I have read it so much, I can't look at it with unbiased eyes.

Everyone who has read it has had a different opinion (except Sean & Simone)

I have tried for the last week to edit this to "make it better" but I haven't been happy with anything I have done.

On one hand I feel really good about it, but with the other hand I am being very critical and tearing it to bits. I am obsessing over this thing.

Do you think this needs more work, or is it ready?
DJKessler   
Sep 18, 2009
Undergraduate / UT Austin undergraduate transfer essay. Issue of importance: Safe Passing Bill [10]

I feel like I have the makings of a good essay. It started out strong, but I feel like I may have lost momentum along the way. I'm also afraid that it might be too long. Have I clearly demonstrated the "issue"? Have I shown why it is significant to me?

I've read it too many times now. I need some one else's input.

SAFE PASSING BILL

Here's my essay:
Last year I got hit by a car while riding my bike to school. He was trying to pass me in slow moving traffic and got a little too close. He got out of his car as I was brushing myself off. When he saw that I was not hurt he told me that "this is the reason you all don't belong on the roads" and got back in his car and sped away. I was pretty shaken up, but I wasn't hurt. I've had some close encounters before when riding my bike, but nothing as terrifying as actually getting hit. I felt like he had recklessly endangered my life, but technically neither of us had broken any traffic laws.

That's why when I heard about SB488, a bill that would have required Texas drivers to allow at least three feet when passing bicycles and other vulnerable road users I was 100% in support. I am well aware that everything government does affects me, but this was the first time that I really felt like I could effect government. I called my Texas State Senator's office and voiced my support for the bill. I emailed my friends and family, signed petitions and kept up with the news. I followed the bill's every move from committee, through the House and Senate and on to the Governor's Office. I had never been someone who was active in politics. I always voted in the "important" elections, but I never called my legislators or wrote them letters. I always figured that they were going to do whatever suited them and that my voice didn't matter. SB488 changed that for me. I realized that being apathetic and doing nothing is what really made my voice not matter. Keeping quiet is no way to get what you want.

Bicycles belong on the road. There are many people who argue that bikes inhibit the flow of traffic and that we should ride on the sidewalk. Riding on the sidewalk is more dangerous than riding on the street. There are cars entering and exiting driveways, blind corners, unexpected obstacles and riding on sidewalks endangers those who use them for their intended purpose; walking. While it is true that we cannot possibly maintain the same speeds as cars on surface streets, often times when a car passes me I catch up to them at very next red light. It happens all the time, a car will be forced to drive behind me for a couple blocks and when they have the chance they speed around me, sometimes getting a little too close.

Another argument against bikes on the road is that we "always" violate traffic laws. When I'm commuting by bike I obey the traffic laws. Cyclists have the same rights as cars and therefore we have the same responsibilities. Not only is it safer to obey them, every time a motorist witnesses a cyclist running a red light or cruising through a stop sign it reinforces that argument. I do not want to contribute to a driver's negative attitudes about sharing the road.

SB488 passed in both the house and senate with virtually no opposition. That is what made Governor Perry's veto so surprising. Texas cycling activists had lobbied for years to get this piece of legislation passed. It was a heavy blow to the cycling community, but we are resilient. New petitions are being signed, and Governor Perry is coming up for re-election. We are committed to having our communal voice heard. It has clearly been heard in the capitol. Governor Perry will likely hear us from the voting booth next November.

In the mean time, I will keep riding, obeying the laws and doing my part to share the road.
DJKessler   
Sep 18, 2009
Writing Feedback / Rambo Verses the Boar; Descriptive Narrative Assignment [8]

"...out later that it was a bad drug deal gone bad. The buyer had no intention of purchasing the 4-ounce bag of marijuana, and snatch(ed) it out of the dealer's

"...war with the ziploc bag of drugs transpiredensued."

"The drug dealer's friend fearing for his life took off running towards my work place." This is a little too wordy, who was fearing for his life? The dealer, or the friend?

"...there isare more knife stabbings, and the law..." Knife stabbings is redundant.

Overall your essay is pretty good. Your final paragraph is weak. In your last paragraph you should try to use your two stories to exemplify the final sentence of the first paragraph. Maybe consider making a point. Elaborate.
DJKessler   
Sep 18, 2009
Writing Feedback / students should get jobs or not? why or why not? 'to be more confident' [3]

Overall I would say that this is well written. However, there are some structure problems.

These are related to tense (past, present future)

"Nowadays, there are many changes in national education system(s) all over the world; students' duties are becoming harder and more sophisticated."
(PAST: there have been many changes... PRESENT:Nowadays, national education system(s) are changing and students' duties have become...)

"...should spend all time for study." (PRESENT: should spend all their time studying)

These are more general structure problems.

"...getting jobs during university brings many..."
...getting jobs during college brings many... This is not a tense issue, but the word UNIVERSITY is usually used when referring to a place, and COLLEGE is usually used when referring to a time period or activity.

"...means that they have to do two things at the same time; thus, they..."

"...they can learn by themselves skill to manage time, which contributes to them getting their own..."

"...they apply for jobs after university, they are more likely to have advantages over others candidates.

"...earn money from their jobs. They may reduce supports from their..."

"They will be able to afford to buy more books, clothes and so on, which will help them to be more confident.
DJKessler   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / BLUE-COLLAR LIFE & CYCLING ; UT Austin transfer - SOP [2]

I have never had to write an essay like this before and I have struggled with it since I first looked at the prompt. I've really felt like I have had no clue where to start or what this essay is supposed to ultimately look like.

Please offer any insight you might have.

My essay:
I am applying to the College of Natural Sciences Mathematics Department because I ultimately want to teach all levels of secondary school mathematics. I entered high school with the self-fulfilling mentality that I was not good at math. My self imposed mathematical handicap set the tone for all of my high school academics. As a result, I barely made it to graduation. Following graduation and 2 directionless semesters at Houston Community College I resigned myself to an unexceptional blue-collar life. I spent five years working in land survey and design. It was during that time that I found cycling.

Spending most of my childhood and adolescence in a relatively sedentary lifestyle, cycling became an exciting and fulfilling activity. It was hard, and I wasn't very good at it, but I knew that with time and dedication I could get better. And I did. After a few months I started to race, and my fitness and ability improved by leaps and bounds. For the first time in my life I was motivated to really succeed. I set goals for myself and achieved them one by one. As I achieved my goals I set new ones and I knew I could meet these as well. I developed a self-confidence that I had never before had. This was a turning point in my life. I was no longer willing to accept inadequacy. I developed a powerful motivation to improve myself.

As I gained seniority at my job I became ever more aware that without an education I would inevitably hit a glass ceiling in my field. I wanted more. I wanted to be the boss, but I knew that all the degrees related to surveying and engineering would require extensive coursework in math. I knew it would be hard, but I told myself that if I worked hard enough I just might be able to get through it. I enrolled at Austin Community College, full time with the intention of transferring into an engineering program and ultimately earning a professional surveyor's license.

I registered for trigonometry with some anxiety. On the first day of class I went to my professor's office and explained to him my history. That I've never been good at math and that I might not succeed in his class. He candidly explained to me that no one is bad at math, but that many educators are bad at teaching it. He told me that with hard work and dedication anyone can get good at math. I will never forget that conversation, because I whole-heartedly agree with his assertion. His class was hard, but I did well, and I actually enjoyed the coursework. I have always enjoyed puzzles and problem solving so shouldn't have been surprised by my fascination with math. I went on to pre-calculus and calculus and excelled in both.

My entire academic life I had viewed calculus as the highest form of math, an unreachable level of academia. I spent hours at coffee shops studying formulas, theorems and their proofs. Outside of class I often found myself helping classmates with their studies. I really liked being able to help and explain the coursework in a way that let them better understand it. What was even more satisfying to me was being told by more than one of my classmates that I explained things in a way that made it easy to understand. By the end of the semester I knew that teaching was my calling.

Looking back to high school I consider myself to be quite lucky. Had I not found something like cycling that allowed me to develop a strong sense of self-confidence I might have never considered pursuing my education. Choosing not to go to college does not mean a person will lead an unfulfilling life. A high school student choosing not to go to college because they believe they "can't do it" is unacceptable. All students should graduate from high school with a sense of the endless possibility the world has to offer. I believe that too many high school students graduate seeing more closed doors than open ones. I know that with the resources made available to me from the University of Texas and the UTeach institute that I can not only become a great math teacher, but also help my students see the endless possibilities that are out there.
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