Posts by giuzu98

giuzu98

Dec 12, 2016

Undergraduate / Trying to reach the stars one year into my Journey in the US...should I not? [9]

Re-posting an updated version of my supplement essay based on yesterday's feedbacks. Enjoy:)

the parts that were changed ( including the quote at the end ) are now in red so don't bother reading everything unless you want to!

the intent was to show a brighter side of my personality/the full half of the glass, and the quote that yesterday was about a bad aspect of Italians, has now been changed to a more culture related/change-willingness kind of quote

...

Nothing more than dreams and abstract concepts with no proof of occurrence.
Who am I really? Am I the people around me?

Am I corrupted? following whoever appears to be more powerful in the "game" that the organised crime is, wearing horse blinkers to limit my view on others as a costume for my proud culture, judging people from every single point of view looking for a different skin colour or brand of clothes that could give me a fair reason to exclude them and their useless inner beauty, laughing at the mistakes made by our funny apathetic politics that elect themselves with rigged polls, promising to make a difference on the stagnating economy that has been the same for decades on every single aspect except for the taxes that keep raising every single year, expanding their dominion on every human need except for air ?!?

The trails I am expected to follow were paved by fascist leaders years ago, on their candid beliefs that justify sexism and misogyny, "empowering" women to be wives and bear as many children as possible, letting them enjoy their "easy" lives by prohibiting them to suffer from the burdens caused by a job outside the home.

...

We were powerful, creative and enviable as well as an example for the countries we conquered, but 1824 years of shame separate us from The Golden Age that fell under the Nerva-Antonine Dynasty.

I am here in New Jersey today thanks to my culture's flaws; I escaped from the flawed mindset embraced by my peers that consists in complaining instead of taking action, to learn how to be the one that will change the future of the beautiful crumbling boot-like peninsula.

There is still hope beneath the dirt that covers my country, there is still a beautiful sidewalk under the cans and the there is still an astounding Imperial Fora behind the paint and the initials carved on the walls.

A family lies abaft any friendship there, and teamwork is a word we don't use because the frequency with which friends and coworkers help each other is too persistent, we don't give coalition a name, we simply help each other without being asked to.

Italy along with its grounds, walls, paintings, landscapes and history deserves the love that every single one of us reserves for our group of close friends

I will be the one that deflects the rules of boundaries set by our cultures, whom forge every single one of us to be the exact image of our ancestors, carriers of the flaws collected in centuries.

I will rip off the blinkers that prevent my people from thinking outside of the tight, dark corrupted box, and if there is a way of teaching people how to take action before even thinking about complaining in vain, I want to be the raw model young Italians can learn from; because when I will return to Italy, filled with knowledge deriving from my new home's culture, I expect to be the bearer of my father's virtues , leaving aside his issues and the ones of the country we both come from.

"Le radici sono importanti nella vita di un uomo,
ma noi uomini abbiamo le gambe, non le radici,
e le gambe sono fatte per andare altrove."
-Pino Cacucci-
("Roots are important in a person's life,
but we were born with legs, not roots,
and we have legs to walk and move on.")
walk and move on.")

giuzu98

Dec 12, 2016

Writing Feedback / Traveling is a good way of improving our knowledge [2]

Love the last paragraph that includes your opinion along with a quote. But have you thought of bringing that to the top?
The essay definitely needs an eye catcher that could intrigue whoever is reading it, and I was more than happy to see that in the last paragraph (everything before the conclusion).

the Middle could be broken up into more paragraphs in my opinion because it really forces the reader to read a list of concepts with the same basic point of view on the matter, but I can't tell you how that could be done properly because I struggle with doing that in my essays too.

hope that helps

giuzu98

Dec 11, 2016

Undergraduate / Trying to reach the stars one year into my Journey in the US...should I not? [9]

It's nice to know I'm not the only fan of the Addams family lol

I am going to work on the positive side of the essay tomorrow after work and I'll try to use your advice!
Looking for a fun side on an essay about Italy's economy is already pretty funny itself
It's going to be a challenge but "hey I like challenges" lol

thanks a lot for your help, it was really the kind of advice I needed... and I'm happy to have found a forum I can be a part of, with awesome and skilled members! Hope I'll be able to help you someday, even if I probably have a lot to learn before something like that happens.

Goodnight

giuzu98

Dec 11, 2016

Undergraduate / Trying to reach the stars one year into my Journey in the US...should I not? [9]

that was the most inspiring message I've read in a while, and the fact that you were able to write it in 5 minutes makes me kind of jealous for your writing skills LoL

I didn't send the first one in yet, and I am trying to make changes based on what you said earlier but I either have to sacrifice the mysteriousness I was trying to achieve by saying what the country I am talking about is in the first sentence, or I have to just add random sentences here and there but there isn't much space for love in the essay I wrote as you probably noticed already.

I really put some effort into it and I really wouldn't want to start over unless I really have to!

Do you have any suggestion on how to break the negativeness without affecting the overall message and point of view?
I really like the idea of a meaningful impact on life due to a negative experience with a culture rather than nothing but good stories as most of the applicants probably talked about... It is original in its own way even if this is way too negative... as I was reading it again it looks like a script from the Addams family:'(

giuzu98

Dec 11, 2016

Undergraduate / Trying to reach the stars one year into my Journey in the US...should I not? [9]

the feedback is awesome, really appreciate both the readiness and the help!
When I wrote this in a negative way I was relying on the fact that I showed a lot of my positive aspects in the personal essay.

But as I think about it I might have got carried away by the things I used to hate about Italy neglecting what's beautiful about it, and the reasons why I still go visit twice a year including this Christmas. But including good things in a negative-oriented essay would have made it confusing(or at least that's what I think)

I know that's a lot to ask, but if you have some time could you superficially read the personal essay I sent and tell me if you would still see me as a negative influence for the school campus if you were a reviewer?

"Sei nato per vivere all'estero."
(You were born to live abroad) my parents always said.

I was born and raised in Italy with Albanian grandparents on my mother's side, a Romanian best friend for most of my childhood and Hispanic friends and coworkers. I had always lived in a melting pot and desired to get out and explore the world; and the need to explore the beautiful world around me made me want to learn English, the most widely spoken language in the world.

I remember learning Spanish in 8th grade, just so that I could help the new student from Spain who could not speak Italian and had no friends. I felt the need to help him. Moved by equal parts of altruism and curiosity; after movies, books in Spanish, and hours spent on my father's computer, I was the one teachers turned to when they wanted to communicate with him.

So after a beautiful last year of middle school I started high school in Rome with the mindset of someone ready to move on, ready to fall and get back on his feet , but most of all ready to work hard and study nights and days whether that was to improve mentally or just to succeed where others struggle.

I was intrigued by Rome's bright history, but the lack of leadership mixed with corruption and dangers made it a cage that wouldn't allow me to become any of the personas that I had pictured in my dreams.

And according to James M. Barrie, I must have wished hard enough for a change because in June 2014 the opportunity presented itself... I finally had the chance I was looking for. I was going to get out and start anew, in America.

I was excited, but friends, family members and teachers kept telling me how difficult it is to move to another country, especially right before I had to apply to Universities there, but "hey... I like challenges!" was what I kept telling them, followed by "I did not choose the best high school in Rome just so that I could keep living in the same boring place for my entire life. Neither have I learned five languages, four of which I can speak fluently just so I could keep them for myself or speak with tourists."

It wasn't easy, but I took my chances, and after moving here on the 29th of September 2015, I was already enrolled in 12th grade at Morris Hills High School one week later. Nothing could stop me and my hard head from proving everybody in Rome that they were wrong.

The "up and downs" made my life abroad a roller coaster full of many sleepless nights outshined by thoughts and memories of my European life, but despite the first trimester without friends or any kind of contact with the happy world I was used to, I could not have wished for a better outcome. By December I had a good group of peers by my side that I could call friends; by January I had found my first job in my new home, and by June I could consider the first year of my journey a success of which I could be proud. My senior year was over, and so were my fears./b]

P.S.
you just made me realize how negative I sound on my essays lol
in person I am the friendliest and happiest guy in the world, maybe I should include more of that part of me in my essays!

thanks again

giuzu98

Dec 11, 2016

Undergraduate / Trying to reach the stars one year into my Journey in the US...should I not? [9]

I was told by many friends and teachers that Princeton(NJ) isn't out of my league and that I could actually make it since they might be interested in the fact that I speak 5 languages (English being the third) and my good grades for my senior (and first) year in the US are way above average.

I have been looking into it and it looks like I have less chance of being accepted there than winning the lottery, so I thought I might ask for the opinion of experts here on this forum.

This is the writing supplement required by them along with the personal essay I already submitted a couple of weeks ago.
I tried to keep the actual culture I am talking about a mystery till the very end, hoping that this will show some creativity and willingness to risk.

P.S.
I noticed that the prompt asks for the side of our culture that has been meaningful in our lives, without saying rather that has to be good or bad, so I really highlighted the bad aspects of the culture explaining that that's what made me move to the US (the meaningful impact the culture has had on our lives)

"Culture is what presents us with the kinds of valuable things that can fill a life. And insofar as we can recognize the value in those things and make them part of our lives, our lives are meaningful." Gideon Rosen, Stuart Professor of Philosophy and director of the Behrman Undergraduate Society of Fellows, Princeton University.

Who am I?

For Christians, I am God's own image on the ideal of his anthropomorphic figure, for strangers I am nothing more than white and tall; my mom sees me as the baby she held after the labor in a towel covered in two equal parts of blood and amniotic fluid, and my dad looks forward to the day he will see himself in his son's figure with none of his bad habits but all of his virtues.

Nothing more than dreams and abstract concepts with no proof of occurrence.
Who am I really? Am I the people around me?

Am I corrupted? following whoever appears to be more powerful in the "game" that the organised crime is, wearing horse blinkers as a costume for my proud culture, judging people from every single point of view looking for a different skin colour or brand of clothes that could give me a fair reason to exclude them and their useless inner beauty, laughing at the mistakes made by our funny apathetic politics that elect themselves with rigged polls, promising to make a difference on the stagnating economy that has been the same for decades on every single aspect except for the taxes that keep raising every single year, expanding their dominion on every human need except for air ?!?

The trails I am expected to follow were paved by fascist leaders years ago, on their candid beliefs that justify sexism and misogyny, "empowering" women to be wives and bear as many children as possible, letting them enjoy their easy lives by prohibiting them to suffer from the burdens caused by a job outside the home.

Citizens from all over the world in their prayers ask god to bless their country, because they were taught to think big, they were told to be thankful for the nation they were born in, and they were shown the principles to use in order to greatly appreciate their cultural manifestations under the form of arts and books.

My people and I pray for our family and possessions, we were taught to learn to mind our own business to not get in trouble, we were told to be thankful for the food our mom prepared and for the gifts under our Christmas tree, and we were shown how learning a job is more useful than understanding the meaning of the art around us.

Therefore we aren't violating any of our lessons when we selfishly throw empty cans on the sidewalk, or use spray paint on the walls of our capital's amphitheater to write our names, followed by the name of our high school girlfriends, separated by a plus sign, to indicate our love for the partner that we'll forget a bunch of days after the break up from a three-week journey of "true love".

We were powerful, creative and enviable as well as an example for the countries we conquered, but 1824 years of shame separate us from The Golden Age that fell under the Nerva-Antonine Dynasty.

I am here in New Jersey today thanks to my culture's flaws; I escaped from the flawed mindset of people who complain instead of taking action, embraced by my peers, to learn how to be the one that will change the future of the beautiful crumbling boot-like peninsula.

Italy deserves the love that Italians are keeping for themselves.

"L'italiano non lavora, fatica." (The Italian doesn't work,he strains.)
Leo Longanesi

giuzu98

Dec 11, 2016

Scholarship / "Hard work and God will never betray you" has been my personal values since I was a child. NTU essay [16]

Hardwork and God will never betray you" (I would address it since it is a quote)

And it's either "has(singular) been my personal value(singular) or hard work and god have been my leads or the values I rely on

v5 I strongly believe that I should finish everything I start with impressive results

This value that I hold strongly to has made me ...
I'll try to give this a sense by changing rewriting it even if I am not 100% sure of what you meant

The values I am relying on are what made me succeed with great grades throughout elementary school and high school. I always work hard when I put my mind into something, and to this day I have always reached or exceeded people's expectations after completing every task.

No matter how hard work is, or how little time I have, I am not satisfied until I finish what I started

this are a couple of things that were really obvious.it's almost 4 i the morning and I really have to go now but if nobody fixed the rest of your essay by tomorrow, I'll try to fix it tomorrow

goodnight