Writing Feedback / Working as volunteers should be taken into consideration for children - WRITING TASK 2 [4]

Para 1:
1- issue is about taking a part in
2- been a concern for many people.

Change of structure of last part of para . Try this:
" while it will inconvenience students by disturbing their study schedule, it will improve their social aptitude and provide them with co-operation skills necessary for a respectable job. "

Para 2:
1- Respectively in place of 'With this concern'
2-
This result was that students will boost their confidence by interacting with other people, withhavingutilizingbravery to speak-up in the public. All in all, it is argued that such this activity is pivotal factor in burgeoning their self-development.