Posts by Streetwalker

Streetwalker

Feb 13, 2017

Scholarship / How would SI Scholarship for studies in Sweden be valuable for the applicant? [6]

@Holt

I see.. I have submitted it but I can use your suggestion for any recommendation in the future.

Thank you Holt. (y)

Streetwalker

Feb 13, 2017

Essays / Long essay structure for Eisaku Sato Essay Competition [7]

demographic changes in the world

Hi all,

I just read about an essay competition that still open until March 31, 2017 and would like to join to test my writing skills.

The topic is : "Demography of the world is experiencing a big structural change. While world total population is still growing, increasing number of countries are facing low fertility, rapid ageing and even depopulation. Some are concerned about possible aging before societies become rich. Others are seeing continuing explosion of unemployed youth. Even in rich countries social security system is under pressure and generational conflict is on the rise. How should the United Nations cope with such demographic changes? Discuss the potential role of the UN against this world phenomenon, 'demographic tsunami'."

Essays may be written in either English (maximum 20 pages) or Japanese (maximum 30 pages). All essays should be typed on A4-size paper and include an abstract of up to 2 pages (English) or 3 pages (Japanese). Must include reference notes and a bibliography if other authors' works are cited. Reference notes are not counted in the page limits.

This essay is really really long one for me and I don't know if I can get it finish by the deadline but gonna try my best. However, so far I have only written essay in maximum five paragraphs. So, how to properly divide the contents for essay as long as 20 pages?

Thank so much in advances!

Streetwalker

Feb 13, 2017

Essays / Long essay structure for Eisaku Sato Essay Competition [7]

@Holt

Thank you so much Holt for your valuable inputs!

I would like to restate your comments according to my perception.

The structure should more or less like this:

1. Thesis statement (TS) for introduction of demographic tsunami (what, why, when, how and where it happen)
- Heading 1.1
---Sub heading 1.1.1
- Heading 1.2
--- Sub heading 1.2.1
- Heading 1.3
--- Sub heading 1.3.1
- and so on.

2. TS for solutions for the problem and outcomes I hope to be achieved
- Heading 2.1
--- Sub heading 2.1.1
- Heading 2.2
--- Sub heading 2.2.1
- Heading 2.3
--- Sub heading 2.3.1
- and so on.

3. Ts for UN abilities to carry out the solution successfully.
- Heading 3.1
--- Sub heading 3.1.1
- Heading 3.2
--- Sub heading 3.2.1
- Heading 3.3
--- Sub heading 3.3.1
- and so on.

The writing should follow MLA format. I have checked it out, there are some websites explaining about it.

Do I miss out or misunderstanding anything?

Thank you very much.

Streetwalker

Feb 13, 2017

Essays / Long essay structure for Eisaku Sato Essay Competition [7]

@Holt

Okay Holt. Understood.

Thank you! :)

Streetwalker

Feb 14, 2017

Essays / Long essay structure for Eisaku Sato Essay Competition [7]

@okorobiadimma14

Hi Okoye,

Thank you so much for your valuable insight.
I will take a note to portray this kind of connections while composing the essay.

Streetwalker

Mar 8, 2017

Scholarship / I'm applying Wageningen NFP Scholarship, review my answer for this 3 questions [5]

@pamilaadhi

Hi Pamila,

Your answer shows that you have done analysis on the health services issues and have rough images on how to solve them. However, I think there are some parts that are confusing and need more explanations.

For answer no. 1:

... expected to grow close to 14% by 2019. An estimated 260 million Indonesians will be covered by BPJS Kesehatan, provide sources from where you get these numbers.

From your answer, I assume there are four problems

Problem 1: increasing need of healthcare technology innovation, ontime supplies and well managed services including skilled manpower

Problem 2: speed up healthcare product procurement process

Problem 3: This increasing demand specifically, what kind of health services demanded? whereas ageing and lifestyle changes what kind of life style changes and how should the healthcare organization response to those? of an entire population ...

Problem 4:In addition, unbalance unbalance is too board and has ambiguous meaning, so specifically, what do you mean by unbalance? innovation and management ...

For answer no. 2:

Good management from the first step until end of process with ... I think this is too board, for one solution to settle all problems mentioned in no. 1

>> By taking master in life science management Wageningen University and Research (WUR), You mentioned different master course later in your answer for no. 3.

gap the world of management, innovation and entrepreneurship on ... I notice that this was taken from the WUR web, I suggest you to change the wording and collaborate the sentences more, for reference you can look up the synonym here -> thesaurus.com

It covers managerial, economic, sociological and environmental aspects of ... It will better if you mentioned how the study not just covers the mentioned aspects but also provide specific skills and knowledge you will gain that important to address the problems in no. 1 answer.

perform some creative work surely in managing both financial and resource inside in reforming Indonesia. If you think by managing financial and resources can help to address the health issues in no.1, please provide more correlation. If you only provide this sentence alone like this, I am afraid this will cause confusion to the readers.

For answer no. 3:

>> As a graduate from Master in Management, Economics and ...
it will enable me to face the future challenge of AFTA in 2020 This problems doesn't mentioned previously in no. 1

As I did before, with all of Pertamina ... How your past achievement able to solve the health issues?

I believe by giving my best shoot during my graduate program it ... I think this part isn't required at all. It shows how motivated you are in this matter but it will be better to convey the practical and specific solutions you have in mind.

Streetwalker

Mar 8, 2017

Writing Feedback / Higher entrance fees to attractions for residents than for foreign travelers? [6]

Hi Duy,

The opening and closing seems a bit off.

Opening:

Although the idea (...), this cannot be viewed as the ultimate approach.

This can be assumed that you are not supporting residents to be charged higher than foreigner but it also doesn't imply that foreigner should charged more than the residents too.

Closing:

The government should take steps to increase ... This last sentence can lead to discussion for another topic that doesn't need to be include in this essay at all. Instead you can wrap it up with a few points from second and third paragraph.

Other than those, I think the rest is conform to the essay prompt. :)

Streetwalker

Mar 11, 2017

Scholarship / I'm applying Wageningen NFP Scholarship, review my answer for this 3 questions [5]

@pamilaadhi

Hi Pamila,

I'm sorry for the late reply.

I'm still learning about writing as well so I hope you can regard my suggestions as references and also refer to other information that is possible to make your essay better. Of course I'm glad if my suggestions is useful to you.

Answers for no. 1 and 3 are good for now, but need to be proofreads,replace some words with more suitable one, and some grammatical errors.

For no. 2, you can take Holt's suggestion in revising your answer. Roughly, your answer should be composed according to this:

Current career -> Problems in no. 1 -> insufficient ability -> master course

And your answer should create a impression that you hope to prevent the predicted problems in no. 1 to become reality.

Hope this helps.