Undergraduate / Operation: Duke Supplementary Essay For Trinity College of Arts & Sciences! [10]

@Holt
Hi!
Thank you for your feedback. So should I take out the mentioning of the game of operation and focus more on Duke? My only problem is that I don't really know how to start the essay that would make it creative and pique the admissions interest. I didn't know if I should have just gone straight to the point for the essay since I thought it could've been awkward. Ahhh I wish the 150 limit was actually 250! I will try to do revisions soon.

Undergraduate / Operation: Duke Supplementary Essay For Trinity College of Arts & Sciences! [10]

My love for the sciences all began with ...

Just a reminder that this is the revised version!

Undergraduate / Dual identity of Asian-American (Princeton Supplement) [10]

Oh gosh I didn't see your updated post! I'll check it out now.

Your revised draft is perfect! The part that I would trim out is the last paragraph. You basically wrapped everything up in the 7th paragraph. All together with the trimmed paragraph should be 655 words. Now we're just down to 5 words to trim down. " We bonded over our favorite Chinese cartoons, our favorite dim sum restaurants, and the stories we told each other about the "good old days" in China.

P.S (I also revised my essay I hope you can check it out!)

Undergraduate / Dual identity of Asian-American (Princeton Supplement) [10]

Hmm.. we don't want to add anything more since you're over the word limit, but we can surely mention that as time went on you came to accept both of your identities. Since it'll add to the theme you're going for with the growing up and maturing. Just a suggestion: For this sentence "Throughout my life, I have both embraced and shut out my Chinese culture. Instead of choosing one identity over another, today I choose to embrace both." you can rewrite it and talk about how time went on and it'll make the 6th to 7th paragraph transition smoother.

Also, for this "When my parents saved up enough money from their chef and waitress jobs, my siblings and I moved to Long Island suburbia--a place eminently different from China and Flushing." you can cut out the part with the strike through it since before you did mention about their double digit hours in the restaurant so you cut down some words. I know it isn't a lot but at least it's some! I'll point out more if I find any :) Best of luck to you!

Undergraduate / Operation: Duke Supplementary Essay For Trinity College of Arts & Sciences! [10]

I revised it and hope that it sounds maybe a bit better. It would be wonderful if you guys give me feedback again. You don't have to though.

Undergraduate / Dual identity of Asian-American (Princeton Supplement) [10]

Overall, the essay is amazing. However, the 6th and 7th paragraphs seems a bit disconnected because you ended it with wanting to be "Americanized" then it switches to the appreciation of both identities. My suggestion is that instead of focusing a lot on the effect of American culture, maybe you could put a catalyst which led you to appreciate both your identities. Perhaps you had an epiphany, or something happened and there was a realization. Then it would fit more into the essay topic about an event or experience which shows who you are and how it shaped you. Hope this helps! :)