Prompt: Using one of the themes below as a starting point, write about a person, event, or experience that helped you define one of your values or in some way changed how you approach the world.
An Asian-American Identity and Experiences
My family emigrated to the United States right before I was born. They chased the conventional American dream--to escape the rural destitution of Fujian and to find job opportunities beyond farming and nannying overseas. Flushing, New York was their calling: outside the hustle and bustle of Manhattan lied a tight-knit Chinese community, defined by open restaurant doors and laundromat dreams.
The very first breath I took set a precedent. I was the first baby in the Chen bloodline to be born in a country other than China, though my stay in my birthplace didn't last for very long. In the midst of settling into America, working double-digit hours at takeout restaurants, and caring for my teenage siblings, my parents couldn't care for me. Thus, they sent me away overseas--back to their roots of eastern China's countryside.
From infantry to preschool years, I lived with my grandmother in a small, deteriorating house. Here, I made my home and childhood memories--learning how to fill a bucket from a well, and getting lost in the supermarket where everyone looked identical. My whole life was rooted in China--the only place I had ever known. And at 5, I was ripped from it by my mother, who I was now unfamiliar with.
I am a satellite baby. From America to China--and back to America again--I'm straddled between two worlds. However, for the first year in my new American life, I was content. My Chinese culture surrounded me everywhere I went: from the overcrowded Queens streets that resembled Fujianese supermarkets to the city-wide Moon Festival celebrations that reminded me of my village. I found solace in my new Flushing community, as I met other children who faced the same experiences as me. We bonded over our favorite Chinese cartoons, our favorite dim sum restaurants, and the stories we told each other about the "good old days" in China. America surprisingly felt like home.
This comfort and serenity that I had re-established in my life was ripped away a second time. When my parents saved up enough money from their chef and waitress jobs, my siblings and I moved to Long Island suburbia--a place eminently different from China and Flushing. Growing up in a predominately white town, I was surrounded by people who looked nothing like me. I wasn't able to relate to any aspect of American culture--my classmates didn't eat the same food or speak the same language. Forks replaced chopsticks in the cafeteria, and" Finding Nemo" replaced "Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf" on television screens. My Chinese friends from Flushing were nowhere to be found, as I felt isolated from everyone I encountered. This exposure to American culture and ideals clashed with my Chinese roots, and I began to feel like a Martian in my own homeland.
The dominance of American culture on Long Island fogged up my identity. Being immersed in such a different lifestyle, I consumed it. In the process, I shut out my family's Chinese dogma. In school, I tried to dodge my Spanish teacher's questions about my family, fearing that my relatives' eccentric names and restaurant jobs were "too Asian." Near my friends, I whispered in Chinese whenever my mother called me, trying not to embarrass myself by speaking a weird, ethnic tongue. I did everything that I could to suppress my ethnicity and culture in hopes of integrating myself in a new society--I didn't want to be different, I wanted to be "Americanized."
Throughout my life, I have both embraced and shut out my Chinese culture. Instead of choosing one identity over another, today I choose to embrace both. Integrating my Chinese ethnicity with my newfound American ideals, I am no longer afraid to speak in my native tongue around others, and no longer cower in fear of revealing my parents' beautiful names. Life at home and life at school still feel like two completely different countries, but I find balance in my every day. I find security in my Chinese culture, as it reminds me of the small village I come from and the memories that are starting to fade. I find excitement in American culture-it gives me an opportunity to look at life and traditions at another angle, from a different lens. Ultimately, I am a proud Asian-American, one who appreciates both experiences--with a pair of chopsticks on one hand and McDonald's fries in the other.
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I'm worried that this doesn't exactly fit the prompt. It's not so much an event or experience as it is me growing up and maturing, realizing that I should appreciate both my identities. I'm also concerned about the organization of the essay, does it make sense and flow nicely? The last paragraph describes what culture means to me, but I think I didn't go in depth enough (which is what the prompt is asking for). Though, I'm not too sure how to explain my identity further than I already have.
The maximum word length is 650 words but I'm 80 words over, so what should I cut out?! Much help is appreciated!Overall, the essay is amazing. However, the 6th and 7th paragraphs seems a bit disconnected because you ended it with wanting to be "Americanized" then it switches to the appreciation of both identities. My suggestion is that instead of focusing a lot on the effect of American culture, maybe you could put a catalyst which led you to appreciate both your identities. Perhaps you had an epiphany, or something happened and there was a realization. Then it would fit more into the essay topic about an event or experience which shows who you are and how it shaped you. Hope this helps! :)
@emilyle206
Thanks for the advice! I don't really recall a specific instance or epiphany that led me to appreciate both identities. It think it was more of me growing up, and maturing? How could I still make the essay flow without a specific instance?
Hmm.. we don't want to add anything more since you're over the word limit, but we can surely mention that as time went on you came to accept both of your identities. Since it'll add to the theme you're going for with the growing up and maturing. Just a suggestion: For this sentence "Throughout my life, I have both embraced and shut out my Chinese culture. Instead of choosing one identity over another, today I choose to embrace both." you can rewrite it and talk about how time went on and it'll make the 6th to 7th paragraph transition smoother.
Also, for this "When my parents saved up enough money from their chef and waitress jobs, my siblings and I moved to Long Island suburbia--a place eminently different from China and Flushing." you can cut out the part with the strike through it since before you did mention about their double digit hours in the restaurant so you cut down some words. I know it isn't a lot but at least it's some! I'll point out more if I find any :) Best of luck to you!
I wrote an updated draft! It's now WAYYYY over the word limit (I'm talking like 110 words!) Which part should I trim out?
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My family emigrated to the United States ...
The very first breath I took set a precedent. ...
From infantry to preschool years, I lived with ...
I am a satellite baby. From America to China...
This comfort and serenity that I had established in my life was, again, ripped away. When my parents saved up enough money, I moved to Long Island suburbia--a place eminently different from China and Flushing. Growing up in a predominately white town, I was surrounded by people who looked nothing like me. I wasn't able to relate to any aspect of American culture--my classmates didn't eat the same food or speak the same language. Forks replaced chopsticks in the cafeteria, and" Finding Nemo" replaced "Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf" on television screens. This exposure to American culture and ideals clashed with my Chinese roots, and I began to feel like a Martian in my own homeland.
The dominance of American culture on Long Island fogged up my identity. Being immersed in such a different lifestyle, I consumed it, while shutting out my family's Chinese dogma in the process. In school, I tried to dodge my Spanish teacher's questions about my family, fearing that my relatives' eccentric names and restaurant jobs were "too Asian." Near my friends, I whispered in Chinese whenever my mother called me, trying not to embarrass myself by speaking a weird, ethnic tongue. I did everything that I could to suppress my ethnicity and culture in hopes of integrating myself in a new society--I didn't want to be different, I wanted to be "Americanized."
Today, I'm no longer the same, ashamed boy I was in elementary school. I've learned to embrace my Chinese culture, and appreciate my dual-identity. I couldn't tell you the exact moment I had this introspective epiphany--learning to appreciate my ethnicity was, rather, a subconscious process. Perhaps it was my grandmother's stories about my childhood, or the conversations I had with my siblings about our family dynamics. Maybe it was my history lessons about the ancient Chinese empire, or simply realizing that Chinese is an art of its own--a language defined by centuries of tradition. Whatever it was, it made me look at myself and my culture from a different lens.
Life at home and at school still feel like two completely different worlds, but I find balance in my every day. I find security in my Chinese culture, as it reminds me of the small village I grew up in and the fading memories I made. I find excitement in American way of life, as it gives me an opportunity to experience the world outside of my household. I have, at last, found my identity. I am a proud Asian-American, one who appreciates both experiences--with a pair of chopsticks on one hand and McDonald's fries in the other.
Oh gosh I didn't see your updated post! I'll check it out now.
Your revised draft is perfect! The part that I would trim out is the last paragraph. You basically wrapped everything up in the 7th paragraph. All together with the trimmed paragraph should be 655 words. Now we're just down to 5 words to trim down. " We bonded over our favorite Chinese cartoons, our favorite dim sum restaurants, and the stories we told each other about the "good old days" in China.
P.S (I also revised my essay I hope you can check it out!)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Kevin, the essay is too long and has a tendency to wander in the discussion of the prompt. If you would be open to writing a new essay, you can actually use this version as the basis of the content of the next version. The best way to develop this essay would be to present an opening paragraph that dictates how you see your life and its meaning. Then you can focus on how you are a satellite baby. Limit the discussion of your parents migrant background to almost zero because their background and your ideas about it are not relevant to the considerations the prompt provides. Think of how your experience of growing up straddling cultures and how these have helped to make your life complete in order to deliver the response that would better suit the prompt requirements. Explain instead how the multi cultural upbringing has given your life more meaning and created a well rounded and culturally conscious person whose life was made meaningful by the background your parents gave you.
@Holt
Thanks so much for the advice! I changed up the essay, removing my parents' background and replacing it with my early life viewpoint on culture. Also, I expanded more of the ending and added more of what you suggested. Here's the updated version.
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Being Asian-American was my life's biggest bane. This cultural dichotomy made me resent my family, the creators of my confusing existence. I was ashamed of them for giving me the burden of being different. This, paired with my parents' abandonment during my childhood, made me despise my Chinese customs and traditions. Culture, in my eyes, was meaningless if it made me unlike everyone else. Thus, throughout my childhood, I existed with the desire to erase this Asian facet of my identity and to simply be American.
In the midst of settling into America, working double-digit hours at takeout restaurants, and caring for my teenage siblings, my parents couldn't care for me. Thus, as an infant, they sent me away overseas to live with my grandmother in the rural Fujian province. Here, I made my home and childhood memories--learning how to fill a bucket from a well, and getting lost at the supermarket where everyone looked identical. My whole life was rooted in China--the only place I had ever known. And at 5, I was ripped from it by my mother, who I was now unfamiliar with.
I am a satellite baby. From America to China--and back to America again--I'm straddled between two worlds. Growing up in a predominately white town, I was surrounded by people who looked nothing like me. I wasn't able to relate to any aspect of American culture--my classmates didn't eat the same food or speak the same language. Forks replaced chopsticks in cafeterias, and "Finding Nemo" replaced "Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf" on television screens. This exposure to American culture and ideals clashed with my Chinese roots, and I began to feel like a Martian in my own homeland.
The dominance of American culture on Long Island fogged up my identity. Being immersed in such a different lifestyle, I consumed it, while shutting out my family's Chinese dogma in the process. In school, I tried to dodge my Spanish teacher's questions about my family, fearing that my relatives' eccentric names and restaurant jobs were "too Asian." Near my friends, I whispered in Chinese whenever my mother called me, trying not to embarrass myself by speaking a weird, ethnic tongue. I did everything that I could to suppress my ethnicity and culture in hopes of integrating myself in a new society.
Today, I'm no longer the same, ashamed boy I was in elementary school. I've learned to embrace my Chinese culture, and to appreciate my dual-identity. I couldn't tell you the exact moment I had this introspective epiphany--learning to appreciate my ethnicity was, rather, a subconscious process. Perhaps it was my grandmother's stories about my adolescence, or the desolation on my father's face when I told him that I was ashamed to be Asian. Maybe it was history lessons teaching me about ancient Chinese empire, or me simply realizing that Chinese is an art of its own--a language defined by centuries of tradition. Whatever it was, it made me look at my multi-cultural upbringing from a different lens.
The vibrant traditions of Chinese New Year and the beautiful Fujianese phonology remind me of the small village I grew up in, and the fading memories I made. My heritage also allows me to build a stronger relationship with my parents, one that began unsteadily of our 5 years apart. On the contrary, my American way of life gives me excitement. It provides me an opportunity to experience the world outside my house doors, and to understand another perspective about the world. Though my tug-of-war between both identities has been difficult, I've learned to find balance in my every day. This duality gives my life meaning, and defines me perpetually. I am a culturally conscious individual, one who appreciates every single experience. I am a proud Asian-American, with a pair of chopsticks on one hand and McDonald's fries in the other.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 4783 I applaud you for the developed discussion that you made in this essay. Your words are clear and strong. There is a definite understanding that you were not coming into the essay with a sense of embarrassment or disenchantment because of the difficulties you experiences growing up. The message that came across, that of a person who has learned to tread the border of two cultures in order to develop his own unique, inexplicable culture is the strength that makes this essay memorable. Believe me when I tell you that you need not change anything more in this essay. Provided that you are within the maximum word count requirement, you don't have any need to edit the content. Submit this essay as is and be confident in the fact that the essay delivers a notable message to the reviewer with regards to who you are. He will understand exactly who you are and why you are like that.
@Holt
Thank you so much for these suggestions, Holt, your advice has really helped me mold my essay into one that's much more fluid and direct to the point. I was able to submit it with around 5 words under the word limit. Thanks again for your help!
