Posts by ryanthelion

ryanthelion

Sep 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "family members around me" - FSU essay Vires Artes Mores [3]

I just think that you can touch on all your points without going into the details you did and you need to remember to somehow relate it back to how the traumatic event relates to the word that defines you.

your two sentence second paragraph doesn't have a lot of weight, and should be either expanded upon, somehow worked into the first paragraph, or omitted.

"Many people would take a situation such as mine and allow it to hinder them from being successful, that's not me."

It may be just me but I don't like how you assume what others would do, it just seems like everyone who writes about a traumatic experience uses it to overcome adversity and it gets to be kinda formulaic.

ryanthelion

Sep 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "Vires, Artes, Mores" - FSU ESSAY- FASHION PASSION [7]

I don't quite think you answered the prompt. I submitted my fsu essay and the format was pretty simple.

1.a very short if not one sentence introduction stating which of the three words apply to you and perhaps a few details to expand upon in the other paragraphs.

2.take each word and expand upon how it pertains to you, and make each its own paragraph. Maybe you can mesh it into one but I'm not a great writer.

3. optional I suppose, but I'm so formulaic I wrote a conclusion about how the words will further my goals at FSU.

hope these suggestions help, and you should search this website for other FSU application essays to get some inspiration.

ryanthelion

Aug 27, 2009

Undergraduate / "lust for knowledge" - FSU admissions essay [7]

I added this line to the end of the second paragraph to kind of tie it together.

"I found strength in being so sure of myself at such an early age."

Tell me if that works.

Also let me know if the essay needs any more work besides that clarification error.

ryanthelion

Aug 26, 2009

Undergraduate / "lust for knowledge" - FSU admissions essay [7]

"Vires," and "Artes," is what embodies both the spirit of FSU and myself. My rationality is my strength, and from it I draw my intellect; my ambition and initiative is what put me at the forefront of those who share my interests around me.

My "Vires" is derived from my desire, and it drives me to the pursuit of knowledge like Eve to the forbidden treeI will try to think of a better simile... >.< .Since I was a toddler, adults have asked me one reoccurring question in my life; the question being:"What do you want to be when you grow up?"As a toddler, most kids responses came from figures of respect (firemen,astronauts,etc.),and their answers most likely changed over time, but that was never the case with me. We all grew up in a rapidly changing world of technology where a new spectrum of careers were forming in the field of Computer Science, and those were the people I respected the most.

My "Artes" arose from my curiosity. I was not satisfied with the answer people were giving me about computers. This drove me to research and pursue this particular craft. Even today few people know what makes computers tick, and yet I questioned that concept constantlyi'll try to reword to take away that alliteration . It was not until I entered middle school were any of my queries put to rest, when a friends parent whose career was in programming enlightened me.by the way I don't know if its clear but that person was a stepping stone, but he wasn't my teacher It was that same day that my ambiguous hobby turned into my profession of choice.

Since high school I started taking classes that I like, such as Computer Science. One thing I may point out is that my self education before taking those courses put me so far ahead of the class that I learned almost no new material, but in that self education there was the philosophies FSU and I share, such as ambition and strength. I'm positive that your professors will further my knowledge and teach me to use my passion as a gateway into a career.

edited.
Thanks for your help, retyping it on the reply window makes it iffy but please re evaluate it if you would please :)

ps: I also kinda wanted your opinion on the relevance in my second paragraph, does my example of the "career day" scenario convey "Vides" properly?

I just wanted your opinions on that,

ryanthelion

Aug 26, 2009

Undergraduate / "lust for knowledge" - FSU admissions essay [7]

prompt:For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

Essay:

My lust for knowledge is unquenchable;so much so it has a name, and it is programming.
Some may find my choice of words to be bold, but once you know my intentions even those words become too minuscule to describe how I truly feel about what I love. "Vires," and "Artes," is what embodies both the spirit of FSU and myself. My rationality is my strength, and from it I draw my intellect; my ambition and initiative is what put me at the forefront of my field within my own social circles.

My "Vires" rooted out of my desire, and it drives me to the pursuit of knowledge like programmers to their cubicles. Since I was a toddler, adults have asked me one reoccurring question in my life; the question being:"What do you want to be when you grow up?"As a toddler, most kids responses came from figures of respect (firemen,astronauts,etc.), but that was never the case with me. I grew up in a rapidly changing world of technology where even video games were new, but from those games came the seed of my ambition.

From my strength stemmed my "Artes."I was not satisfied with the answer people were giving me about computers. This drove me to research and pursue this particular craft. Back then very few people knew what made computers tick, and yet I questioned everything. It was not until I entered middle school were any of my concerns put to rest, when a friends parent whose career was in programming enlightened me. I cannot remember that exact day in middle school but that was when my ambiguous hobby turned into my newfound lifestyle.

Since then my knowledge has blossomed, but without FSU my lifestyle will never see the fruition of its work. I have had only myself to teach,learn, and practice from. In that there was the philosophies FSU and I share. I'm positive that your career professionals will answer all my questions and help me further my knowledge into the life I dream one day it will be.

Thanks for any criticism, and yes the use of floral words was a theme. for what reason I have no idea but the vocabulary I used made it that way...