Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Poor memory in modern life [6]

Could you please correct my text for the question of "Many people have now a poor memory. What is probably the reason and what should we do to improve?"

"In the modern world, poor memory arises as a prevalent human condition. This essay will explore some probable causes for this brain degradation and its feasible solution.

what affect our memorizing skills?

As the technology develops, people don't particularly need to memorise anything anymore. A human brain can no longer store as immerse data as a computer do. The technology makes it even easier when any social network like Facebook has now a function of reminding automatically the user of his friends' birthday or events. The dependence of technology weakens, therefore, human memory capacity.

Besides, the increasing pollution makes this condition more universal. Research shows that people live in a heavily polluted area are more likely to struggle with memorising numbers and person's name than their peers in a purer region. Air pollution particles could attack anyone and happen to damage slowly brain functions.

Solving these two main issues would be the key to recover intellectual health. While it is really difficult to change living area or individually mitigate environmental pollution, anyone can change their habit toward technology. Like physical body, the brain needs practice to function effectively. They should start with trying memorising important things like upcomming due dates or list of follows-up activities. Beside, finding a strategy to remember seems to be a long-term solution. Visualising the relationship between things could really facilitate the memorisation process.

In brief, the modern life is seemingly creating a new generation of poor memory. However, with regular practice and an appropriate strategy, people would at least prevent themselves from the possible embarrassing situation where they would forget to celebrate their own birthday just due to Facebook disconnection."

(267 words)

Any advice is really welcomed.
Thank you very much.