Kiki31415
Apr 16, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Poor memory in modern life [6]
Hello Link,
1. Be aware of the tone. Do not use "don't" in the essay for it sounds informal.
2. The structure might need some adjustment. It is suggested that some background sentences can be added in the first paragraph.
3. There are also some places where the essay fails to segue into the next sentences. Sentences like "Like physical body, the brain needs ... Theyshould start with trying memorising ..." and "Beside, finding a strategy to remember seems to be a long-term solution. Visualising the relationship ..." are awkward.
I believe that this essay will lose some marks on Coherence and Cohesion.
4. In the second paragraph in which the essay tried to prove the correlation between pollution and people's poor memory, whilst the evidence correctly responses to the statement, it is too weak and blur to support the idea.
5. Some grammar mistakes like " a computer do","Research shows" may lose some points on grammar.
Hello Link,
1. Be aware of the tone. Do not use "don't" in the essay for it sounds informal.
2. The structure might need some adjustment. It is suggested that some background sentences can be added in the first paragraph.
3. There are also some places where the essay fails to segue into the next sentences. Sentences like "Like physical body, the brain needs ... Theyshould start with trying memorising ..." and "Beside, finding a strategy to remember seems to be a long-term solution. Visualising the relationship ..." are awkward.
I believe that this essay will lose some marks on Coherence and Cohesion.
4. In the second paragraph in which the essay tried to prove the correlation between pollution and people's poor memory, whilst the evidence correctly responses to the statement, it is too weak and blur to support the idea.
5. Some grammar mistakes like " a computer do","Research shows" may lose some points on grammar.
