FloraNougat
Aug 24, 2017
Writing Feedback / Essay about Travel to foreign countries when you are young or when you are older [3]
@Holt
Thanks for taking time to give me so much insightful suggestions. I do agree with you that I shall rearrange my paragraphs with obvious and strong arguments. And actually score doesn't matter a lot for me because I think the writing skill is a life-long subject to learn that cannot only defined with a quantified number and more importantly it is served as a thinking weapon for us to live with. I put my simplified version that only keeps the modified part of the previous one here as below in case you have any further comments.
Before that, I want to explain that why I use segue phrases or subject sentences at the start of my paragraphs. I, along with my peers, am told that the exam markers only have limited time to read an article in a TOEFL test. So, if an article can equip with some signal words or topic sentences, it may be helpful for markers to find your logic and core ideas. But The new opinion you gave me that those sentences may create a diversion in my response is very helpful and I will share with my peers. Thanks again!
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BEST AGE FOR TRAVELING ABROAD
With the improvement of living standards... Meanwhile, there is a prevailing belief that it is better to travel abroad when you are young. I definitely agree with the belief as traveling abroad at a young age can enable us with a chance to have more insights and a super-healthy body to enjoy the trip.
Traveling abroad is a precious passage to get familiar with the the development of economy and technology in other country, which is a good opportunity to broaden the mind...
Interesting as it is, traveling abroad will consume much physical strength. Provided with abundant energy, young people could enjoy a great time. But for older people, a lack of physical strength prevents them from trying new activities that require a strong body. Like last year...Easily tired as she got, she had to take a lot of time to rest at hotel. This is possibly why she ended in disappointment. When getting older...
It seems that old age means plenty of leisure time to travel abroad and of course old people deserve to have a long rest after a lifetime of exertion. Conversely, young people are persuaded to focus on study and fight for their career rather than to travel abroad at the cost of work progress. Nevertheless, I insist that as long as the balance between trip and work could be achieved, traveling abroad will indeed help enlarge our scope and relax ourselves that accompanied by the improvement of work efficiency.
Thus, I advocate traveling abroad when we are young. It is not only because...More importantly, each dot whatever you experience or whoever you talk with will finally be connected to define who you are in your history and make sense for the world of humanity in a micro perspective.
@Holt
Thanks for taking time to give me so much insightful suggestions. I do agree with you that I shall rearrange my paragraphs with obvious and strong arguments. And actually score doesn't matter a lot for me because I think the writing skill is a life-long subject to learn that cannot only defined with a quantified number and more importantly it is served as a thinking weapon for us to live with. I put my simplified version that only keeps the modified part of the previous one here as below in case you have any further comments.
Before that, I want to explain that why I use segue phrases or subject sentences at the start of my paragraphs. I, along with my peers, am told that the exam markers only have limited time to read an article in a TOEFL test. So, if an article can equip with some signal words or topic sentences, it may be helpful for markers to find your logic and core ideas. But The new opinion you gave me that those sentences may create a diversion in my response is very helpful and I will share with my peers. Thanks again!
================================
BEST AGE FOR TRAVELING ABROAD
With the improvement of living standards... Meanwhile, there is a prevailing belief that it is better to travel abroad when you are young. I definitely agree with the belief as traveling abroad at a young age can enable us with a chance to have more insights and a super-healthy body to enjoy the trip.
Traveling abroad is a precious passage to get familiar with the the development of economy and technology in other country, which is a good opportunity to broaden the mind...
Interesting as it is, traveling abroad will consume much physical strength. Provided with abundant energy, young people could enjoy a great time. But for older people, a lack of physical strength prevents them from trying new activities that require a strong body. Like last year...Easily tired as she got, she had to take a lot of time to rest at hotel. This is possibly why she ended in disappointment. When getting older...
It seems that old age means plenty of leisure time to travel abroad and of course old people deserve to have a long rest after a lifetime of exertion. Conversely, young people are persuaded to focus on study and fight for their career rather than to travel abroad at the cost of work progress. Nevertheless, I insist that as long as the balance between trip and work could be achieved, traveling abroad will indeed help enlarge our scope and relax ourselves that accompanied by the improvement of work efficiency.
Thus, I advocate traveling abroad when we are young. It is not only because...More importantly, each dot whatever you experience or whoever you talk with will finally be connected to define who you are in your history and make sense for the world of humanity in a micro perspective.