Writing Feedback / Some people believe that the amount of time that is put into art could be better managed [5]

Your second point on: parents who think there are no points in learning art for their child, is not strong enough as well as convincing. I think the topic is interesting to work on and should have more points put into it than you have delivered.

Scholarship / "Leadership comes from within". Everyone is a leader in their own way. Chevening Essay [10]

@bellachyntia
You have great points and to keep your readers engaged and glued to your content until the last sentence, use subheadings that are summarizing your paragraphs. Also, have a conclusion at the end of your article.

#MyThoughts. ;)