Undergraduate / quantum mechanics - Why does Brown interest me? [14]

This is an excellent introduction.

"But Mr. (asdffg) never advertised Brown; it was the kind of thinker he was that did."

My favorite line :) What you have here certainly makes you seem inspired, there's not much else to say really. Hope the rest of your essay turns out just as well!

Undergraduate / "I love airports." - common app essay [10]

I agree.
Your essay has a lot of detail, but it isn't very interesting...

A lot of people write about how they realize that everyone is the same inside, despite the fact that they may be physically different. Diversity is a big topic nowadays, so it's especially hard to stand out if you write such a long, detailed essay about something so mundane.

Also, reflect on yourself a bit more; tell how YOU were truly affected, not that you just realized that everyone is the same. You have a lot of paragraphs explaining things, but only two short paragraphs explaining yourself. Not enough.

Perhaps you could choose a different topic as tal105 suggested, but if you really want to stick with this one, prepare to think extra hard about how to make this essay PERSONAL.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay [22]

^ Well said, tal105.

Undergraduate / "Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay [22]

Ryantan1123,

Some places in this essay need work, but overall I can tell that you are passionate about attending.

Perhaps the excessive praise "I strongly believe that Ohio State University as one of the top universities in the world is the place where I can have adequate resource and professional field research to achieve my dream" may seem a bit too fake... maybe tone it down a bit? If not, at least notice that when you say "top university" and then "adequate resource", it seems contradicting. A top university would have stellar resources. Also, it's "resources" in the plural form, not just "resource."

"Ohio State University is always the favorite university of students in my country to transfer to. The quality education provided has also grant very good public praise among people here. Furthermore, the widely accredited degree from Ohio State University will provide me many opportunities of jobs." <-- These sentences are kind of unnecessary. They are weak reasons as to why you want to attend the school, synonymous with "My girlfriend attends this place" or "Everyone wants to go there because it has a good reputation."

Your final paragraph, however, is by far my favorite in the essay. The parallelism and diction are absolutely fantastic - great job :)

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Oh, as for some grammatical/sentence errors:

"I can enjoy my circle and my family, create my enterprise, make contribution to society, chase my dream of a fantastic life"
^ You should say "contribute to society." It's more concise. Also, I'm not sure if you would use "fantastic" to describe life.

"It is very common to see people are still living under wooden huts."
^ It is very common to see people still living under wooden huts.

"It has been many times that I saw their wooden huts were being destroyed by the strong wind and flood by the rainstorm again and again."

^ Many times, I have seen their wooden huts destroyed by the frequent rainstorms, which bring strong winds and floods.

"The families, especially the elders and children are suffering and dread under such circumstances."
^ ... the elders and children are suffering under such circumstances.

"I strongly believe that Ohio State University as one of the top universities in the world is the place where I can have adequate resource and professional field research to achieve my dream."

^ ...Ohio State University is one of the top universities in the world, where there are plentiful resources and excellent professional field research. Such aspects of the university can help me achieve my dream.