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"Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay


hktan1 1 / 2  
Sep 5, 2009   #1
I am currently applying to University of Wisconsin. Please help me to improve my statement. Thank you very much.
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?


I strongly believe that we all should always do something to make our earth to be better and better. Deforestation, pollution and global warming are the terms that I heard over again and again since I was a child. As I grew up, the situation seemed to become worsen. In fact, I believe that the fate of the earth is rested in our hand. Therefore, it is our best interest to contribute our efforts in a way to reduce these negative impacts and prevent the exacerbation of our earth. I have a dream to be great and responsible civil engineer. Through things like amelioration of development project, providing people residential area with landscaping can let our residents to live without making our earth become sicker. I hope that I can fulfill my dream by enrolling into the University of Wisconsin. I strongly believe that University of Wisconsin as one of the top engineer schools is the place where I can have adequate resource and professional field research to achieve my dream.

I am a Chinese boy who was raised in a small village from Malaysia, a place where is isolated from bustling and flourishing city. It is very common to see people are still living under wooden hut. It had been many times that I saw their wooden huts were being destroyed by the strong wind and flood by the rainstorm again and again. The families, especially the elders and children are suffering and dread under such circumstances. I know something has to be done in order to change it. It is my responsibility as a civil engineering to provide them a better place for living.

I believe that to be a successful civil engineer, leadership should be considered as one of most important qualities that civil engineer must equip. Therefore, I always participate and organize activities to improve my leadership skills. When I was in my high school, I had consigned with both Presidents of Mathematics Society and Co-curriculum Coordinating Board in 2007. Co-curriculum Coordinating Board is a board that is formed by all the presidents and vice presidents. To me, it is a very valuable to have the experience to lead all the presidents in my school. Besides that, I was also the organizing chairperson to organize various major activities such as Teachers' Day and Leadership Training camp. If I have the opportunity to attend University of Wisconsin, I trust that I will continue to work harder and help to maintain and improve the high standard of the university. I also hope that I will have the chance to share my experiences, values and interest with others in the university.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 5, 2009   #2
When I started growing up, the situation seemed to become worsen and unstoppable.

As you grew up, not when you started growing up.

In fact, I believe that the fate of the earth is rested in our hand.

^You said that the situation seemed unstoppable to you in the previous sentence.

I always think that it is my responsibility to make our earth a better place to live.

^Redundant.

I have a dream. It is to be great and responsible civil engineer.

^Please no MLK Jr. Just merge these sentences.

I hope that I can fulfill my dream by enrolleding into the University of Wisconsin.

It is my responsibleility as a civil engineering to provide them a better place for living.

I had always been involved in activities both in and out of school. For years I have been physically active in schools. I had been the first class student in my secondary school for four years continuously. Besides maintaining good result in my class, I also had participated in many academic competitions.

^This paragraph has no point.
OP hktan1 1 / 2  
Sep 5, 2009   #3
Thank you for that. I have changed the mistakes. Please give me more advises to improve it.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 5, 2009   #4
To which UW campus are you applying?
christiek 6 / 65  
Sep 5, 2009   #5
As I grew up, the situation seemed to become worsen.

^ the situation seemed to steadily worsen? not to become worsen.

earth is rested in our hand.

^ hands*

I have a dream to be great and responsible civil engineer.

^ i have a dream to be a great and ....

...live without making our earth become sicker.

^ more sick.

I can have adequate resource

^ adequate resources*

I am a Chinese boy who was raised in a small village from Malaysia,

^one full sentence. The next sentence should start with " it is a place that is isolated from a bustling and flourishing city"

are still living under wooden hut

^ wooden huts**

The families, especially the elders and children are suffering and dread

^ It should be, "The families, especially the elders and children, are..."

It is my responsibility as a civil engineering

^ civil engineer*

-the next sentence states talks about what you need to possess TO BE a successful civil engineer.
but this sentence right here implies you already are a civil engineer...
get it?

When I was in my high school

^ when i was in high school... dont need "my."

Besides that, I was also the organizing chairperson to organize various

^ an organizing chairperson means that you organize, so you dont need to say that you organize various activities...
just say various activities.

help to maintain and improve the high standard of the university.

^ maintain and improve? which one is it? you cant do both can you?

i feel like from one paragraph to the next there really isn't much of a connection.
it seems like they are all different topics - in a way.
1) you talk a lot about the negative things that happen to our earth.
and somehow building houses for people to live in will solve for that problem...doesn't it contribute more to pollution and global warming in the long run...

2) the second paragraph is about your home village and all the natural disasters that occur. How does that relate to the first paragraph? I mean you talk about being a civil engineer, but it doesn't connect in and of itself.

3) Then you go on talking about leadership. Which basically is the part that answers the most important part of the prompt.

well, i actually may be wrong. haha so lets see what others say ;)))

good luck!
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 5, 2009   #6
^ i have a dream to be a great and ....

^My dream is to become a...
OP hktan1 1 / 2  
Sep 5, 2009   #7
I am applying to University of Wisconsin, Madison.
Thank you for the feedback.I have changed the mistakes. christiek, what i mean is building house is necessary and building house with landscaping can reduce the negative impacts. Thank you for helping me. Let me know if there is anymore needed to be changed.
ryantan1122 - / 2  
Sep 6, 2009   #8
I have changed my topic into this. I hope you all can help me to improve this essay. I will be very appreciate about that.

Describe how your college education will allow you to achieve your personal or professional goals.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Sep 6, 2009   #9
You have somewhat of a vapid approach to this essay.
What strikes me the most however, are your very obvious, and very frequent, grammar mistakes.
Also, this essay when read, feels like it can be substituted for any University, which can allow Purdue to think that perhaps you are not taking it seriously enough.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 6, 2009   #10
I am a...
It has been...
It is very...

These weak verbs deprive your essay of energy. Use action verbs and vivid imagery to tell your story. Then, maybe, Liebe will retract his "vapid" comment.
ryantan1122 - / 2  
Sep 6, 2009   #11
Thank you all very much. I have corrected the mistakes as much as i know. Please help me to improve it, especially grammar mistakes. I will very appreciate about that.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 6, 2009   #12
You have somewhat of a vapid approach to this essay.

^Nice.

I am a Chinese who was raised in a small village from Malaysia, a place where is isolated from the bustling and flourishing city.

^I think that you need to idendify what type of creature you are also. Cityside or cities? Or is the original correct?

I can always see their wooden huts have been destroyed by the strong wind and flood by the rainstorm again and again.

^You mean that you "have seen"?

You still refer to college in general which will make Purdue feel :[
ryantan1123 - / 5  
Sep 6, 2009   #13
Personal Statement(Ohio State University)

Basically this essay is a bit similar to another essay(Purdue) i posted just now. I am not very good in English, i really need your help to improve it. Thank you!

Why are you considering The Ohio State University?
ryantan1123 - / 5  
Sep 6, 2009   #14
Describe how your college education will allow you to achieve your personal or professional goals.

Is that you mean i should emphasize on my college education based on the topic above? Sorry that i did not understand so much about the topic.
strawberryswing - / 4  
Sep 6, 2009   #15
Ryantan1123,

Some places in this essay need work, but overall I can tell that you are passionate about attending.

Perhaps the excessive praise "I strongly believe that Ohio State University as one of the top universities in the world is the place where I can have adequate resource and professional field research to achieve my dream" may seem a bit too fake... maybe tone it down a bit? If not, at least notice that when you say "top university" and then "adequate resource", it seems contradicting. A top university would have stellar resources. Also, it's "resources" in the plural form, not just "resource."

"Ohio State University is always the favorite university of students in my country to transfer to. The quality education provided has also grant very good public praise among people here. Furthermore, the widely accredited degree from Ohio State University will provide me many opportunities of jobs." <-- These sentences are kind of unnecessary. They are weak reasons as to why you want to attend the school, synonymous with "My girlfriend attends this place" or "Everyone wants to go there because it has a good reputation."

Your final paragraph, however, is by far my favorite in the essay. The parallelism and diction are absolutely fantastic - great job :)

------------------------------------------------------------ -----------------

Oh, as for some grammatical/sentence errors:

"I can enjoy my circle and my family, create my enterprise, make contribution to society, chase my dream of a fantastic life"
^ You should say "contribute to society." It's more concise. Also, I'm not sure if you would use "fantastic" to describe life.

"It is very common to see people are still living under wooden huts."
^ It is very common to see people still living under wooden huts.

"It has been many times that I saw their wooden huts were being destroyed by the strong wind and flood by the rainstorm again and again."

^ Many times, I have seen their wooden huts destroyed by the frequent rainstorms, which bring strong winds and floods.

"The families, especially the elders and children are suffering and dread under such circumstances."
^ ... the elders and children are suffering under such circumstances.

"I strongly believe that Ohio State University as one of the top universities in the world is the place where I can have adequate resource and professional field research to achieve my dream."

^ ...Ohio State University is one of the top universities in the world, where there are plentiful resources and excellent professional field research. Such aspects of the university can help me achieve my dream.
ryantan1123 - / 5  
Sep 6, 2009   #16
Thanks a lot. Really appreciate about that. Feel free to give any advise you want. Thank you~
I am a Chinese boy who was raised in a small village from Malaysia, a place where is isolated from bustling and flourishing city. It is very common to see people still living under wooden huts.
ryantan1123 - / 5  
Sep 6, 2009   #18
Thank you for the advises. I have already changed the essay. I deleted some of the parts and tried to say more about me. I am going to post it soon, please help me for the final revision. Thank you.
ryantan1123 - / 5  
Sep 6, 2009   #19
Please help me with the advise from Llamapoop123 which stated that my essay is too general. I need to post it after several hours. Please help me to do the final revision. I will very appreaciate about that.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 6, 2009   #20
It really doesn't matter. I would just add Purdue sometimes when you say "college education".
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 6, 2009   #21
hyperbole much? lol :P i mean maybe one of the top for medical stuff, but i mean dont exaggerate lol :P. i would consider taking this out.

^Not really. It is ranked among the top 150 in the world. It is no where near as intensive as schools like Chicago and MIT but it is still top in a sense.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 7, 2009   #22
I'll get you started, grammar-wise:

I am a Chinese who was raised in a small village from Malaysia, a place where is isolated from any bustling and flourishing city. This is where we can see There, people are still liveunder in wooden huts. I can always see their wooden huts have been that are often destroyed by the strong winds or flooded by the rainstormsagain and again . The families, especially the elders and children are sufferinggreatlyand dread under such circumstances. I am dedicated to alleviating that suffering. know something has to be done in order to change it.


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