Posts by twreck

twreck

Nov 2, 2017

Writing Feedback / The question about protecting all wild animals or not [3]

@zrq
Hi. I am not certain who the target audiences of this essay are for me to comment specifically. However, here are my thoughts. Personally, I found this very repetitive, perhaps because of the sentence structure, such as "Some people do x, some people do y." You should vary your sentence structure and start with a proper introduction that is not vague. I would usually ask,"Some people who? Say what? How can you prove it? Why should I care?" This would generally help with forming arguments.

For proper body paragraphs, it would help to have some facts to strengthen your claim instead of generalised, vague arguments such as animals also have meaningful lives. There are ways one can refute that by claiming that human beings are the only ones with a specific conscience that seek meaning, contemplate existence and death, and have notions of morality. Therefore, no, animals do not have "meaningful" lives. However, there are other ways to consider why we should protect animal rights.

Or when you say that we would lose natural resources like electricity, water, oil... What does this have to do with animals? How are you relating your points? I would suggest you take a little longer research and outline specific points with evidence and warrant to support your claim.

As for grammar, spelling, and register, please use Word or some free app that helps you eliminate glaring errors. All the best.

twreck

Nov 2, 2017

Scholarship / Chevening Leadership Essay - A physician leading a team to save a life [5]

@tika89 Hi. I agree with both the comments above. I would try and include at least one more separate instance of leadership if I were you, to prove that I had been a leader since young. Also, while I appreciate a good story, I'm wondering if the third paragraph is too long and strewn with jargons and details that seem unnecessary to the question. Perhaps you could shorten that paragraph into one or two lines to point out a specific life-saving feat, and then jump into how your leadership has influenced the community of nurses and the environment in the hospital in a positive manner. What change have you brought to the system? I hope this helps. All the best.

twreck

Nov 2, 2017

Scholarship / Applying for MA in Comparative Literature - Chevening Scholarship [2]

Hi! I would like to know if my essays answer the prompts and if my ideas are organised in a coherent way. Please do correct me if I am grammatically inaccurate at any instance as well. Thank you so much.

Leadership & Influence question

The courage to initiate and mobilise, the willingness to trust and collaborate, as well as sincerity in communication are integral to my vision of leadership. My first meaningful leadership experience was in the wake of 2015 Nepal Earthquake. I mobilised like-minded individuals to raise funds for the children of Nepal. To my delight, eight of my classmates offered to assist me. I prepared the necessary paperwork, contacted UNICEF to collaborate, set meetings with the Dean, and delegated the distribution of posters and social media alerts to my team. By the end of the week, we had raised RM 2500 by collecting donations and selling pre-loved items. More importantly, I witnessed communities coming together as my committee grew to involve 25 students, three lecturers, and a Pakistani family living nearby.

Following that, I aspired to make socially-engaged art. I auditioned to be a theatre director to adapt the novel, Gormenghast, for the first time in Malaysia. The dystopian story illuminates the evils of a society that blindly follows traditions and fears progress - much like the society I grew up in. I supervised 30 crew members and 14 actors for four months. Despite my initial micromanaging tendencies, I learnt quickly that being a good leader requires me to trust people's capacities and delegate work accordingly. With the help of the various departments that I oversaw, we sold 1200 tickets, resulting in a successful show as the survey forms that we distributed revealed a rating of 4.82 out of 5.

Hereafter, my passion for the stage was fueled, and I performed poetry in public arenas. I wrote candidly about my experiences of childhood abuse, racism, and sexism. My work was rewarding as a number of people were inspired to open up about their own struggles. Some of these recurring audiences became my close friends and together, we formed a support system.

Eventually, I was selected to represent Malaysia alongside four other poets in an international slam against Singapore in 2016. We worked together to write a group piece, appraised each other's poems, and motivated one another during moments of self-doubt and intense stress. That year, the Malaysian team brought home two gold medals - one for the individual slam that I won, and the other for the group slam that we collectively earned.

I am currently employed as a Literature teacher. I step into class every day and take the lead even if it is not in a conspicuous manner. I enjoy facilitating Socratic debates and student-centered learning. Hence, my work includes assigning tasks, and providing students differentiated pathways to guide their learning, while creating a safe environment to explore their opinions.

To sum up, I believe I possess an aptitude for working intimately with people. My pursuit to change mindsets within Malaysian society - one student or spectator at a time - is far from done. Being a Chevening scholar would give me the network and resources that I need to further engage with my community in creative and educational projects.

one essay at one time please!