Writing Feedback / Essay about general&specific education - Writing IELTS Task 2 [3]

I could praphrase the introduction in this following sentences below:
In several nations, students are taught many subjects to meet secondary schools' purpose which aims to provide a general education. In others, children just concentrate on studying some necessary subjects for their future occupations. From my personal standpoint, the second initiative is more of significance.

You do not have to state " and I will explain why", I think it is quite informal.
In general, you need to focus on one main topic sentence in each paragraph, which will help you increaae your coherence and cohesion.