rbz4real
Oct 1, 2009
rbz4real
Sep 10, 2009
Writing Feedback / 'discussion in Indian parliament' Teens have paid jobs during studying? (Toefl) [8]
The idea of the essay is quite good, and it quite strong, but a way to make it stronger is to put forward that doesn't support your side of the argument, and then give a counter argument why this is false or why, this isn't valid or say that there are more negatives than positive. I know you already talked about ther other side of the argument but you can go further a give a counter argument.
For example you can say: Some people say, you can make some money, but would you rather have them gain some money instead of staying focused in class (or like having time to study or whatever other thing you can say)?
I hope you understand what I mean.
There were a few grammatical errors in your essay also:
Saying 'First and foremost reason' doesn't make sense - you should say, 'my first reason' or 'first and foremost teenagers should be denied ...(then state your reason).
A job at a small age wil.. (you omitted the word A - proofreading would normally prevent mistake like these though.
You did this a couple of times (also with words like 'the')
In a few places you left out commas ( it helps reading out the essay, where it feels that you take a short pause, there probably should be a comma there.
Generally good though.
JUST MY OPINION
The idea of the essay is quite good, and it quite strong, but a way to make it stronger is to put forward that doesn't support your side of the argument, and then give a counter argument why this is false or why, this isn't valid or say that there are more negatives than positive. I know you already talked about ther other side of the argument but you can go further a give a counter argument.
For example you can say: Some people say, you can make some money, but would you rather have them gain some money instead of staying focused in class (or like having time to study or whatever other thing you can say)?
I hope you understand what I mean.
There were a few grammatical errors in your essay also:
Saying 'First and foremost reason' doesn't make sense - you should say, 'my first reason' or 'first and foremost teenagers should be denied ...(then state your reason).
A job at a small age wil.. (you omitted the word A - proofreading would normally prevent mistake like these though.
You did this a couple of times (also with words like 'the')
In a few places you left out commas ( it helps reading out the essay, where it feels that you take a short pause, there probably should be a comma there.
Generally good though.
JUST MY OPINION
rbz4real
Sep 10, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Michigan diversity essay - holiday in Indonesia [10]
Simone is right, you should concentrate on how this experience changed something about the way you think or act - and how this would be beneficial to the school or would make you a successful student there. Although you say a lot of people haven't been subjected to this kind of discrimination, you still need to add something that makes you unique.
Add another paragraph to it, if it won't exceed your word limit and also, end the essay in a different tone, it would be alright if it were a discrimination awareness essay or an essay fighting discrimination but, it doesn't quite fit the essay topic.
But if you really feel that your satisfied, then I guess you could leave it as it is after taking into consideration the comments of 'Liebe'.
JUST MY OPINION
Simone is right, you should concentrate on how this experience changed something about the way you think or act - and how this would be beneficial to the school or would make you a successful student there. Although you say a lot of people haven't been subjected to this kind of discrimination, you still need to add something that makes you unique.
Add another paragraph to it, if it won't exceed your word limit and also, end the essay in a different tone, it would be alright if it were a discrimination awareness essay or an essay fighting discrimination but, it doesn't quite fit the essay topic.
But if you really feel that your satisfied, then I guess you could leave it as it is after taking into consideration the comments of 'Liebe'.
JUST MY OPINION
rbz4real
Sep 10, 2009
Undergraduate / UF Admission Essay: Student Company [11]
Alright thanks Simone, bear in mind though that I just joined yesterday.
Alright thanks Simone, bear in mind though that I just joined yesterday.
rbz4real
Sep 10, 2009
Undergraduate / UF Admission Essay: Student Company [11]
Alright, thanks EF_Sean and EF_Simone for your comments, but I was also wondering if you could critisize it in a more thorough way and tell me what I should do to improve it. Also wondering if there were any grammatical errors in it, and if I ended it well.
I think I'll stick to the first essay with 'my experience' rather than my father's. Thank you!
Alright, thanks EF_Sean and EF_Simone for your comments, but I was also wondering if you could critisize it in a more thorough way and tell me what I should do to improve it. Also wondering if there were any grammatical errors in it, and if I ended it well.
I think I'll stick to the first essay with 'my experience' rather than my father's. Thank you!
rbz4real
Sep 9, 2009
Undergraduate / UF Admission Essay: Student Company [11]
This was one of my other attempts at writing the essay but I would like have have some feedback to know which is a better idea. In my opinion this essay wasn't so good, but I still would like to hear from you to see if I was right or wrong.
It is the same question as before.
Here's my response:
When I see a great accomplishment from someone so close to me, it motivates me to reach to make such progress. My father, who was born into poverty in a rural Ghanian village, has, in m opinion, achieved a lot more than a lot of today's great men and women.
My father was born, 5th of the 15 surviving children in 1957. Both his mother and his father were subsistence farmers, that couldn't afford to provide plenty for their children. Things that we see as usual was sen as a privilege to them. As a child he lived in a mud house and went to bed every night on his homemade wooden bed, with a woven mat as a matress. He would eat rice only on special occasions such as Christmas and received footware as his Christmas present. His parents couldn't afford to send him to a public school and only started going to school because he followed his sister to a local authority school one day and continued going with her everyday. He quickly started learning to read, to write and do simple mathematical problems.
He quickly advanced and often was ranked number one in his class. With this education, he continued to work hard and strive for greatness. He got into a government secondary school in Nigeria and continued his education there on a full scholarship because of academic exellence. It took a lot of determination and hardwork to achieve this. He became a prefect in his secondary school during his time there and graduated soon after.
He was accepted into a University in Lagos and studied Geomatics. During his time there he got a full scholarship in the school too because of his persistent hard work and good grades. During this time he also played cricket for his college and his State. He had a good balance between the both.
After attaining his Bachelor's Degree he stopped schooling to work in several Surveying Companies until he applied for a job with a Petroleum company. He got a job there and has been working there since. He started his own family and has managed to give a a comfortable lifestyle.
When he tells me this story it makes me want to even achieve more. It is an inspiration to me and I learnt that with great motivation and deterination, anything is possible. This is one way that this experience will affect my college experience. I will be determined to do very well in the school, having good grades while being involved with extra curricular activities like my father did.
This was one of my other attempts at writing the essay but I would like have have some feedback to know which is a better idea. In my opinion this essay wasn't so good, but I still would like to hear from you to see if I was right or wrong.
It is the same question as before.
Here's my response:
When I see a great accomplishment from someone so close to me, it motivates me to reach to make such progress. My father, who was born into poverty in a rural Ghanian village, has, in m opinion, achieved a lot more than a lot of today's great men and women.
My father was born, 5th of the 15 surviving children in 1957. Both his mother and his father were subsistence farmers, that couldn't afford to provide plenty for their children. Things that we see as usual was sen as a privilege to them. As a child he lived in a mud house and went to bed every night on his homemade wooden bed, with a woven mat as a matress. He would eat rice only on special occasions such as Christmas and received footware as his Christmas present. His parents couldn't afford to send him to a public school and only started going to school because he followed his sister to a local authority school one day and continued going with her everyday. He quickly started learning to read, to write and do simple mathematical problems.
He quickly advanced and often was ranked number one in his class. With this education, he continued to work hard and strive for greatness. He got into a government secondary school in Nigeria and continued his education there on a full scholarship because of academic exellence. It took a lot of determination and hardwork to achieve this. He became a prefect in his secondary school during his time there and graduated soon after.
He was accepted into a University in Lagos and studied Geomatics. During his time there he got a full scholarship in the school too because of his persistent hard work and good grades. During this time he also played cricket for his college and his State. He had a good balance between the both.
After attaining his Bachelor's Degree he stopped schooling to work in several Surveying Companies until he applied for a job with a Petroleum company. He got a job there and has been working there since. He started his own family and has managed to give a a comfortable lifestyle.
When he tells me this story it makes me want to even achieve more. It is an inspiration to me and I learnt that with great motivation and deterination, anything is possible. This is one way that this experience will affect my college experience. I will be determined to do very well in the school, having good grades while being involved with extra curricular activities like my father did.
rbz4real
Sep 9, 2009
Undergraduate / UF Admission Essay: Student Company [11]
Hey guys this is my attempt at my admission essay for UF. I was wondering if it wasn't personal enough and just how good it is in general. Pls don't spare me any comments. I just don't think it stands out enough, so I think I might start again and talk about my father (started in poverty).
Here is the question.
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Here is my response:
Young Enterprise is a program that teaches students using the 'learning by doing' method about business, in which students get together to form a real student company that designs, manufactures and sells a product. Immediately the advertisement was put up in my school, I applied for the role of Chief Executive Officer. I didn't get the role of CEO but happily accepted the position of executive assistant to the CEO which I was instead offered. I was determined to make the best of this position. In our company we had people from different countries such as Nepal, Nigeria, South Africa, Holland, Denmark, South Korea, England and Brazil. Working with people different parts of the world improved my social skills, an important skill for adjusting to University life.
Shortly after the company started, there was forced reorganisation due to the resignation of our CEO. He found it too difficult o handle the hectic workload that the role involved. I was then promoted to the position of CEO. When I took on the role, I quickly needed to adjust to the added responsibility on my hands. Balancing the work from the company and my homework proved extremely difficult. I found myself focusing on either one or the other. Eventually, through discipline and careful planning of my time, I learnt to have a good balance between the two. The transition between the workload of high school and college is drastic and using the same methods I should be able to fit-in quickly to the Gator life.
In my time in the company I improved in areas such as my leadership skills. I had to appoint different tasks to different people, settle disputes between colleagues, make vital decisions that determined the future of the company and various other tasks. As a leader I soon learnt that I needed to motivate my colleague in order to increase productivity. This helped to improve my communication skills.
I also realised that the success of the company also partially relied on my level of organisation. This further urged me to be organised. My ability to work in a team also improved significantly as most of our tasks required teamwork.
UF's motto is 'Civium in moribus rei publicae salus' or 'The welfare of the state depends upon the morals of its citizens'. As a potential future citizen of the University of Florida, I believe that the morals and qualities that I have gained from this experience will allow me to contribute to the community of UF in various ways, such using my discipline to balance my time between school and extracurricular activities helping to maintain the high academic standard of the institution. Furthermore, many of these qualities are also needed in other areas such as playing in a sports team or a band which enrich the culture of the University.
This experience for me wasn't simply an academic on, but more importantly, one that taught me important life lessons.
Tell me what you think.
Thanks.
Hey guys this is my attempt at my admission essay for UF. I was wondering if it wasn't personal enough and just how good it is in general. Pls don't spare me any comments. I just don't think it stands out enough, so I think I might start again and talk about my father (started in poverty).
Here is the question.
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Here is my response:
Young Enterprise is a program that teaches students using the 'learning by doing' method about business, in which students get together to form a real student company that designs, manufactures and sells a product. Immediately the advertisement was put up in my school, I applied for the role of Chief Executive Officer. I didn't get the role of CEO but happily accepted the position of executive assistant to the CEO which I was instead offered. I was determined to make the best of this position. In our company we had people from different countries such as Nepal, Nigeria, South Africa, Holland, Denmark, South Korea, England and Brazil. Working with people different parts of the world improved my social skills, an important skill for adjusting to University life.
Shortly after the company started, there was forced reorganisation due to the resignation of our CEO. He found it too difficult o handle the hectic workload that the role involved. I was then promoted to the position of CEO. When I took on the role, I quickly needed to adjust to the added responsibility on my hands. Balancing the work from the company and my homework proved extremely difficult. I found myself focusing on either one or the other. Eventually, through discipline and careful planning of my time, I learnt to have a good balance between the two. The transition between the workload of high school and college is drastic and using the same methods I should be able to fit-in quickly to the Gator life.
In my time in the company I improved in areas such as my leadership skills. I had to appoint different tasks to different people, settle disputes between colleagues, make vital decisions that determined the future of the company and various other tasks. As a leader I soon learnt that I needed to motivate my colleague in order to increase productivity. This helped to improve my communication skills.
I also realised that the success of the company also partially relied on my level of organisation. This further urged me to be organised. My ability to work in a team also improved significantly as most of our tasks required teamwork.
UF's motto is 'Civium in moribus rei publicae salus' or 'The welfare of the state depends upon the morals of its citizens'. As a potential future citizen of the University of Florida, I believe that the morals and qualities that I have gained from this experience will allow me to contribute to the community of UF in various ways, such using my discipline to balance my time between school and extracurricular activities helping to maintain the high academic standard of the institution. Furthermore, many of these qualities are also needed in other areas such as playing in a sports team or a band which enrich the culture of the University.
This experience for me wasn't simply an academic on, but more importantly, one that taught me important life lessons.
Tell me what you think.
Thanks.
rbz4real
Sep 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Sibling Rivalry/Cross-Country - UF Admission Essay [6]
You did a really good job. I agree with EF_Simone , 'unique individual' is redundant! High energy level throughout the whole essay.
You did a really good job. I agree with EF_Simone , 'unique individual' is redundant! High energy level throughout the whole essay.
