Writing Feedback / How to Deal with Depression; Three bad influences [4]

Your points are well and good but you need to add more details to support your points.

I suggest you plan out the structure of your essay and determine the aim of your essay. Are you writing this essay because you want others to be informed more about depression and how it affects us or are you writing because you want others to know how to deal with their depression?

Here is a sample of how you can structure your essay with the aim of informing others about the influences of depression.

INTRODUCTION:

You stated that depression is increasingly becoming common. Introduce what is depression and what certain groups of people are prone to be diagnosed with it. Why don't you add statistics like ones concerning the rise in the number of people diagnosed with depression last 2017 vs. the number of people with depression in 1997 or something?

FIRST PARAGRAPH:

You introduce the first influence. Research more on studies explaining why people with depression tend to have bad moods. You should elaborate more on how these bad moods stemming from depression can inflict harm on connections with other people.

SECOND PARAGRAPH:

This time, you introduce the second influence. Research and elaborate more on why the depressed are less likely to engage in outdoor activities. I think you should also add in that depressed people are also less likely to participate in social activities as well. Compare people with depression to people who don't have depression so that you could give out examples of how this fact can harm the depressed.

THIRD PARAGRAPH:

In the topic of the third influence, consider using statistics and comparisons to support your point. Research on the analysis of suicide rates and what certain groups of people are likely to try suicide.

FOURTH PARAGRAPH:

You can give out how to deal with depression here. Consider more research on this topic because depression is something you can't easily get rid of. It takes healing.

FIFTH PARAGRAPH:

Make a conclusion. Explain why people need to be informed more about depression.

I hope this helped you.

Good luck~

Writing Feedback / Descriptive essay: TEN MINUTES - a nuclear war scene topic [4]

@Holt

Here is the revised version of this essay~ ((I'm quite worried that this turned out to be a narrative essay.))

TEN SECONDS

10.

There were no words left to say. Raw feelings of muddle thoughts disappeared into sighs and whispers while the metallic taste of iron and pepper cut our tongues. Static noise fissle and pop as cracked voices echo along through our ears from the radiotelephone I held in the middle of the lonely gap between us. The voices screamed and stung our eyes with sirens wailing the ill-fated arrival of the king of bombs.

"How unfair."

You croaked gravel words that were blown away by a rotting breeze of death. From the corner of my purple swelling eyelids; fading in and out was you shivering in your blackening evening blue remains of your livery, a loopy smile forming on your flushed face. Crooked shadows of worn-out men whizzed past us like frightened mice scurrying for a safe place to hide from the beast; although, inside our melting mushy brains, we know that death's ghastly limbs are tangled around every poor soul in this awry battle. Your crashing heartbeat was the loudest among the swirling pandemonium of cries and clamoring roars of weapons. I heard your statement echo along inside my head, pricking my puffy eyes.

9.

Ghost-silent air swath my mouth so I chewed on my knotted words with the numbing red wine coating my lips and tongue gushing out from decaying teeth. We were enveloped in the embrace of the creeping mist of red, sand and gunpowder. Ragdolls were sprawled everywhere; lifeless meat bags that were once our comrades became the mountains that towered over us. Their gray contorted faces were forever engraved inside our heads; their dead fish eyes staring back at us through the murky layer of dirt and blood their bluish features are concealed with. The remains of civilization were the dust that clogged our noses. The world fell around us as blood and sweat left trails on our skin and clothes. We were drowning in our regret and pain, gasping for air while the muddy pools swish against our feet. You and I reeked of death; our bodies stained with mire and reminders of grief and sin. We both know that we should run but it was like we were not inside our bodies; we lost ourselves in the frenzy of war as if hope left us.

"What-pssftt...are you-whishhpfft-standing-"

A crack popped through the static noise and a beeping voice fissles in and out from the radiophone. The words streaming through our ears broke into fuzzy sounds of white noise.

"shsfissh-there in the...bzztpssh-middle for?"

8.

"There's nothing now."

Your voice was a monotonous line coming from an unbecoming grin. Our bodies were aching with pain; our jelly-like legs sent shivers to our spines which shook the image of the battlefield, blurring the mushroom clouds of dust and orange in front of us. Bullets whizzed past us; the acrid smell of pepper that trailed behind set my nose ablaze. We were like naked sheep exposed to a harsh world of death as energy drained from our souls. We could hear muddled voices saying retreat but we were stuck in time, enduring the searing pain and grimy feeling of caked blood and mud on our bodies.

7.

"Over here! Quit standing there! Over here! Over here! Do you want to die? Over he-"

Harsh voices of different tones coated with worry mashed together into a buzzing orchestra of cicadas behind our aching backs. Mud lets out a squeal and a splash as I placed an aching foot behind even if my body was cemented on the foul-smelling lake of tears, mud, and blood. A voice inside my head screamed for me to run but the melancholic air we shared pushed the heavy suffocating emotions down on me. My feet were drowning in a shell of thick brown honey as my line of eyesight reached your reddish stubble turning smokey black.

6.

You had your M16 rifle, caked in mud, raised towards the sky where charcoal black smoke stained the swirling colors of the sunset. As the static noise of warnings buzzes in and out from the radiophone, deafening cries of anger were shot to the air. My numb body wobbled and my neck let out a crack as I turned to see your eyes blurred by tears. Our shoulders bumped a few times yet you were so far away; the dread of loneliness grasped on my heart, squeezing out arrhythmic beats from it. Your sudden scream of anguish drowned in the cacophony of ear-splitting booms and bangs. Underneath the shadow of your combat helmet, red eyes sunk deep into your sockets and your mouth wide open as if you were still screaming. Deep red stains trailed along from your nose and forehead with whispers of soot fingerprints. Your face resembled the faces of our fallen comrades, a grim face stuck in a moment of grief.

"There is no point to all of this!"

5.

In your fit of grief, a splash of mud and dirt stained our grimy bodies. A big bang set a monotone ring alarm in my ears, The world split into two and my body wobbled back. A hammer kept pounding on my head and I felt warmth gush out from different parts of my body. In my distorted view, scarlet milk seeped through your threadbare uniform stained with gunge and dried blood. Your rifle was pointed to the awry shadows in the distance; flashes of yellow and the constant sound of gunshots sent my whole body afloat in a place of confusion. Silence stuffed my ears as my heart stopped beating. Vomit crept up into my throat, tickling my tongue with the taste of bubbling acidic hard liquor. The hissing voices from the radiotelephone pierced through the air of silence and the wails of warning woke my heart to run like the confused breezes coming from every direction a bomb was dropped.

4.

"How unfortunate. How unfortunate. How unfortunate. How unfortunate-"

The cicadas' words of worry that tried to pull us towards the nearest bomb shelters drowned in the deafening wails of sirens; high pitched whistles made my ears bleed. You were also screaming your final words; veins that looked like they would pop out twisted from your arching neck. My eardrums begged for this moment to freeze.

3.

We both tried to close our eyes but a moment of rest couldn't be granted to us for it was like red ants attacking our eyelids again and again. Our limbs were screaming to give up and fall down like the ragdolls around us but we stood on our ground, dazed with emotions disappearing in our eyes. I could taste the sea mixing in with the coppery taste of blood as I wiped a gritty hand across my face. My skin was cold as the breeze of dust and gunpowder coming through and my vision was fading between the blurry image of the world and the endless void of darkness. The world was collapsing on us and the voices from the radiotelephone died out, leaving cackling static noise.

Screams of last words faded out and the final goodbyes of the golden sun vanished among the flurry of darkness the thick fog of smoke brought. I could hear my heart thumping, threatening to rip out of my chest. My body is burning not with rage but with the aching pain from my reopened wounds; yet, my skin was metal, giving off icy touches than warmth. Snot and phlegm splattered across the air and the foul taste of those green goo left a lingering taste of salt on the tip of my tongue.

An empty husk of a man next to me falls down to his knees. The ghost-silent atmosphere of red and orange blurred into wails of crashing bombs and darkness. My body floated with the rising smoke as if my soul was ready to leave. Relief washed over my face and I glanced at you who was on your knees. Your laughter was choppy and hesitant as if you were confused with the muddled atmosphere of mixed emotions we shared.

2.

My legs were noodles; the tears of the pink-hued stream of clouds burned my exposed skin and wounds like acid. Flashes of white and orange knocked my poor heart again and again. Fear and grief wrapped themselves around my lungs, tightening their grip on every whisper of air I let out. I felt tempted to scream my grief-stricken final words but my mouth and throat were so shriveled that all I could produce were only collapsing breaths.

A shrieking whistle falls down along with a cool breeze towards our heads. My heart halted in its run and along with a gasp for air, my lips mouthed my last words for you whose scars ran deep in your gritty hand on my ghastly hand next to you.

"How unfortunate indeed."

0.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive essay: TEN MINUTES - a nuclear war scene topic [4]

@Holt
Thank you very much for the feedback!

I admit I was scared of writing this essay because I was thinking too much about the fact that this essay could turn out as a narrative one. I will try my best to revise this for good measure.

If you don't mind, here is a question:

How do you determine that your descriptive essay isn't turning into a narrative?