zajacfury
Jun 3, 2018
Writing Feedback / Unhealthy activities that most people do and how to change them. [4]
Heyy Jalp, I liked your essay about unhealthy activities.
Maybe you should also talk about replacing unhealthy activities, like smoking, with healthy ones, like jogging or idk any kind of sports.
You should pay attention, some of your claims are factually wrong.
(Nicotine does not cause cancer (the other substances in cigarettes do), the study that a glass of wine a day is healthy is also bogus, stress is not the cause of alcohol consumption)
I did not check for spelling mistakes.
With this modern day and age , most people ...
(You should not be so critical at the beginning of the essay. I would not use "most people")
(Recommendation: People always have had vices. Nowadays, even though people are informed about the negative side-effects of alcohol consumption and/or smoking, they continue practicing those unhealthy activities because of the feeling of fulfillment they bring with them.)
(...who advice against smoking)
(I like this sentence: It is ironic that health advocates who advice that smoking is bad, are also doing the same thing)
(Another unhealthy habit of people is alcohol consumption. Most studies that have linked moderate alcohol consumption to a healthy diet have been disproven.
Here you could also say: Societies link alcohol consumption with having a good time. At parties people who do not drink are ostracized. So, in order to feel like being a part of the group people consume alcohol even though it is not pleasurable to them. Sometimes high intakes of alcohol are linked to peer pressure, for example at college parties.)
In addition, some countries put high prices ...
(In addition some countries, like Germany and Sweden, decided to introduce a cigarette and alcohol tax, in order to steer the society towards a healthier lifestyle.)
I feel like a conclusion is missing. Something like:
To summarize, i believe people have enough information to discern if a certain activity is healthy or unhealthy. it all comes down to determination and the support of friends and family.
Good luck!!
Anca
Heyy Jalp, I liked your essay about unhealthy activities.
Maybe you should also talk about replacing unhealthy activities, like smoking, with healthy ones, like jogging or idk any kind of sports.
You should pay attention, some of your claims are factually wrong.
(Nicotine does not cause cancer (the other substances in cigarettes do), the study that a glass of wine a day is healthy is also bogus, stress is not the cause of alcohol consumption)
I did not check for spelling mistakes.
With this modern day and age , most people ...
(You should not be so critical at the beginning of the essay. I would not use "most people")
(Recommendation: People always have had vices. Nowadays, even though people are informed about the negative side-effects of alcohol consumption and/or smoking, they continue practicing those unhealthy activities because of the feeling of fulfillment they bring with them.)
(...who advice against smoking)
(I like this sentence: It is ironic that health advocates who advice that smoking is bad, are also doing the same thing)
(Another unhealthy habit of people is alcohol consumption. Most studies that have linked moderate alcohol consumption to a healthy diet have been disproven.
Here you could also say: Societies link alcohol consumption with having a good time. At parties people who do not drink are ostracized. So, in order to feel like being a part of the group people consume alcohol even though it is not pleasurable to them. Sometimes high intakes of alcohol are linked to peer pressure, for example at college parties.)
In addition, some countries put high prices ...
(In addition some countries, like Germany and Sweden, decided to introduce a cigarette and alcohol tax, in order to steer the society towards a healthier lifestyle.)
I feel like a conclusion is missing. Something like:
To summarize, i believe people have enough information to discern if a certain activity is healthy or unhealthy. it all comes down to determination and the support of friends and family.
Good luck!!
Anca
